Dating : Am I just a hookup girl?
I’m looking for advice from girls in similar positions or any guys that understands the male brain lol. I’m 21F and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m really not even a hookup person and have only had sex with one guy (who was my best friend at the time but that’s a different story). My problem is I feel like every time I find a guy I get excited about dating or I think I like, we just seem to fall into a pattern of hanging out sometimes and then making out and other stuff and then I just hear nothing from them until the next time he asks to see me which isn’t often.
Right now I like a guy I met in my older sisters friend group. He’s a 24M and I’ve been seeing him off and on for months when I’m invited to things her friend group does. He randomly asked me to hang out alone in the Fourth of July at like 10pm and we went to a reservoir and walked around and talked for 1.5 hours. Then when I went to go home he asked me to hang out longer so we watched a movie together and then eventually went to my room and started making out and stuff but I’m unsure of his intention for that night because we really hung out a lot first and had a lot of good conversations. We hadn’t really spoken much at all for months before that besides a Snapchat streak so after this happened I thought maybe that would change but it didn’t. I tried to send him little chats on Snapchat in response to things to start up a convo but he’d usually reply once and then nothing would happen. Then last night I saw him again at one of my sisters parties and we talked again and ended up hooking up again but we stayed up all night together until the sun came up. I’m trying really hard to not be pushy or pressurey so I’ve only sent him maybe three or so little Snapchat chats since the Fourth of July but he seems so interested in person and we talk about life and just a lot of things for so long and I haven’t had sex with him either because I didn’t wanna give it up too fast. I’m just confused. Why would he want to hang out with me and spend time talking and stuff and hook up but then barely speak to me in the days after or barely respond to my chats? It feels different then just a hook up and leave but I’m so confused. I feel like every time I’m interested in a guy they are just really hard to read, will hook up with me, and just keep a consistent relationship with me of sort of talking randomly and then randomly hooking up sometimes??? And I had a thing with this same boy happen back in December where we hooked up at a party and in the days after I initiated more things and tried to text him and sometimes it went well and sometimes not but then he asked me to dinner and we went and then nothing really happened after and I just moved past it but he seemed at least sorta interested in DATING me. Even tho that died out me still kept our Snapchat streak and now he just randomly popped back into my life and it doesn’t feel like last time. It wasn’t awkward and we’ve been having some good conversations. I just don’t understand his intentions.
Let me give you one piece of advice that will hopefully serve you well throughout your life: if someone wanted to be in your life, they would be in your life.
The fact that this guy is difficult to have a conversation with outside of evening dates where sex is a real possibility tells me everything I need to know. My impression is that he’s trying to have sex with you, and quickly too, and is willing to put in some amount of effort to make that happen. By your making him wait, he’s starting to lose interest, and this is why you’re having a hard time snap chatting with him. I don’t think he’s all that interested in a relationship with you.
Sorry, I know it’s not what anyone wants to hear. ☹️
Also, you’re not a hookup girl unless you allow yourself to be one. That doesn’t mean you won’t run into guys who only want to hookup. That’s just a part of modern dating.
> I’ve been seeing him off and on for months.
That’s not a hook up. Do YOU want to have sex with HIM , that’s what is important.
Male here, the thing that stands out for me is how he’s always asking you to hang out at night. 10pm is a very late time to be starting a date. Also, reflect on what you actually talk about, how your day has been ? Work life? Ambitions? If the conversation is always sexually charged or flirtatious then I would guess he’s just after sex.
I’ve had a lot of experience in being a ‘hook up girl’ and there have been times where it was purely casual (on both our ends) and other times where I was looking for something romantic and the other party wasn’t. I understand if can be hard to navigate the latter situation because you’re getting vibes off the other person, but it’s sporadic and that can make it hard to read. The best piece of advice I’ve heard RE dating is that if he’s interested romantically, you’ll know. If not, you’ll be confused. When I met my current boyfriend, I assumed he wanted something casual bc I think I was so used to that by then, but he gave off so many signals and in my heart I just knew. The comment below basically sums up the rest of the advice I would give you.
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Dating can be tough sometimes 🙁 Feel free to dm me if you ever need advice from an unbiased point of view!
« Good things come to those who wait » is a lie perpetrated by a couple people who got lucky. Good things come to those who pursue those them. I would say talking to this guy for a couple of months is more than enough time for him to decide if he wants to be in a relationship with you or not. If you really like him, pop the good old question: « What are we? » And don’t let him give you the run-around.
In all likelihood, he’ll say something like, « I thought we were just good friends, » but don’t take that line of BS. If he continues to be wishy-washy, then you’ll know that he just wants to hook up and nothing more. You might get lucky, and he might say that he’s into you too. But you have to put yourself out there and demand an answer.
Remember, if he gives you no answer, that’s an answer.
> I’ve been seeing him off and on for months when I’m invited to things her friend group does. He randomly asked me to hang out alone in the Fourth of July at like 10pm
Well for starters stop waiting for a good man to fall into your laps. Most good things in life you have to work to for, a good partner is no different.
> I’m unsure of his intention for that night
Pro tip; dude hits you up at random like that at night its a bootycall 99% of the time.
> Why would he want to hang out with me and spend time talking and stuff and hook up but then barely speak to me in the days after or barely respond to my chats?
Because hes putting in as minimal effort as possible to get laid.
Yeah, if all you’re doing is hooking up while hanging out and at parties then you’re just another girl.
Attractive dudes with options generally wont commit
As I’ve mentioned as a response to another comment here, he is putting in the minimal effort to get you to have sex with him. My guess is he knows you’re interested because you keep making out with him, and this is an indication to him that you are on the fence and that maybe if he keeps humouring you you’ll put out.
If you want to know if he sees you as just a fun hook-up, tell him how you feel and that if he isn’t interested in dating you, you don’t want to hook up with him anymore. It makes your intentions clear, and if he was on the fence about you, this would make him really think if he actually wants to pursue you or not. At that point either he steps his game up and actually pursues you (and still, don’t have sex with him until he shows he’s truly committed and values you… most men aren’t scumbag enough to put on a show like that just to get you to have sex with them, but they do exist…), or he backs off because he doesn’t think it’s worth the effort. Either way, you get your answer and can move on with your life accordingly.
While it’s possible he might just be on the fence and taking his sweet time and doing the above will get you your answer, I will add that in general chances are if you have to question if a guy is interested in dating you or if you are doing something wrong and that’s why he’s not wanting to date you, they’re not actually that interested.
It’s not like he doesn’t know you’re interested – you guys hook up and spend nights together. If he was interested in dating you he would’ve had ample opportunity to double down and pursue you by now. And honestly if a guy is truly interested in you, he would pursue you even if sex is off the table, and even if you are doing *everything* wrong in terms of dating interactions. So take away the possibility of sex unless he’s committed and see how he responds.
It’s important to keep in mind that some people want to hookup no matter what, but also to keep in mind that people who are undecided will have a higher likelihood of considering you for a relationship if you show that you are relationship material, i.e. by you showing good girlfriend traits.
They’re doing that because you’re rolling over and accepting their measly offers. Want to make it clear that you’re available only for relationships/real dating? He asks to hangout alone at 10pm? Say no. He asks to « hang out longer » to watch a movie? Say no. Unless this person is already in love with you, and you’ve got a friendship type developed relationship, real dates are planned ahead (respectful of your time and your life). They are not after 9pm. They are not at your house watching TV. They require effort, because YOU require effort. Those who don’t want to give you what you need, will take themselves out because it will be too much effort to do the things someone ACTUALLY wants to date you would happily do.
You are on the carousel right now
I like intentionality in dating.
Define things, don’t jump into sex and hanging out.
Your issues will be alleviated accordingly