Dating : Any woman out there who feels that flying solo for the rest of their lives seems much more pleasant than having relationships?
I’m in my mid-twenties. Have dated seriously a few times, put everything I had into the process. After a while, I always reassessed the situation and asked myself what I got out of it. The answer always is very little, other than sex.
My life, when I’m single, is very pleasant. At this point, I’m seriously questioning the values a relationship, no matter how trouble-free, would bring into my life.
Love makes you happy, but only when you’re actually in love!
I’m with you! Before my most recent boyfriend, I swore I was done with dating. Lo and behold my recent ex sucked me in, treated me like a queen. He was perfect! The sex was amazing, we laughed often, and I trusted him wholeheartedly. He would brag about me and how incredibly happy he was with me (and I with him). Until suddenly, out of nowhere, he decided he was going back to his ex.
Here I am now, hating myself for allowing yet another failed relationship ruin the happiness I found within myself when I was single and loving life.
If you are happy being alone, stay alone. Not dating is a very valuable learning experience, it’s good to know yourself and focus on your internal growth. If you ever change your mind and desire a relationship (you don’t have to ever), you’ll be better for it. Don’t worry about what other people might think.
I’m 27 and recently decided to be exclusive with the person I’m dating. I dunno whether it’s because I’ve been single for awhile, I actually started to enjoy the act of dating, I have deep-seated insecurities, or what, but the longer I’m with him, the more I question whether or not I actually want to be in a relationship. On one hand, the company, security, affection, adoration, and frequent sex are nice but… He’ll talk about having a future with me and I start to clam up. I really like him but being single has turned me into a bit of a selfish control freak.
Before I met him, I had begun looking at life options alone. Things like looking at houses that I could afford to buy by myself and re-evaluating my current career (in order to support my own interests and dream life). To be honest, I was kind of looking forward to being able to do it independently. Like how fucking badass is it for a young woman in her late-twenties to be able to get her own house?! In my opinion, pretty fucking awesome.
At the same time, he and I have toyed with the idea of being able to purchase a home together. If that were to happen, we’d be a DINK couple and able to afford a much nicer house. That’s obviously not the sole reason to stay with him, but I (like many women, prob yourself included) am bit of an over-analyzer so I like to weigh all of my options and dissect how the choices I make will affect my future and shape the life I want to have.
The point is… I feel ya, girl. Being with someone is nice but being able to do things on your own is such an empowering feeling.
It’s okay to not be in a relationship. I didn’t date till I was 30. And I would do it all over again.
Just be open to a relationship if you decide that you want one.
I’m 40M and tbh my life is always way better when I’m single. I’m healthier, happier, more content, I enjoy my hobbies more, I enjoy my work more. I’ve spent 20 adult years trying to be in relationships, including being married, but every time it’s the same pattern: I enjoy the person and the relationship for a while but then slowly and steadily my happiness and health etc decline until I reach bottom and the relationship ends; then when I’m single again I do better and better over time.
So for me, I’m trying to sort out what kind of connection I can have that will work for me, perhaps it’ll need to be some kind of fwb type scenario. Because I do still want physical companionship, but just don’t need or want a full on relationship anymore.
OP,
I’ve been thinking this a lot recently.
I had some cute bfs in school, then after uni when I was 21 I got together with my now ex. He and I split when I was 26. In that relationship I had some fantastic times, but I also spent a lot of my time being so emotionally/mentally wrapped up in the everyday maintenance of being in a relationship that I forgot who I was and what I desired. My expectations and plans of life changed to accommodate ‘the one’, and as a result I became very depressed and lacking in energy and zest for life… because, essentially, my life was planned. He and I had a very friendly, casual, relationship with no issues of control or jealousy either way. So it wasn’t that I was being taken over by an unhealthy relationship, I think my mind just isn’t made to cope with the maintenance of one… that’s what I’ve concluded anyway.
Since being single I had this sensation that suddenly my world expanded into a million possibilities that I could never have open to me when trying to keep someone else (wants, needs, plans) and my relationship with them in mind.
I know you only asked about women, but I’m heroically introverted and I ask myself the same questions…
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I’m looking for someone so I don’t die alone. And not just for them or myself, but my cat…if I keeled over dead tomorrow at the boat, it would be days before anyone found me or thought to look for me and who would feed my cat? Poor thing would be forced to eat my face :/ I’m not a bad looking guy, and I want an open casket funeral….
YES!! I feel odd because I don’t know anyone else who feels this way in my real life. But YES.
I’ve dated decent people too, but have gotten very little happiness out of it. When I’m single, I am very content. Low stress, lots of freedom, I can get the affection I need from a FWB or a friend. Plus, I truly can’t imagine someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I like independence and personal space more than I think almost everyone wants when in a relationship and I find it very draining to maintain the amount of contact that is « normal » in dating. I try to tell myself that maybe I just have not met the right person. But even if I didn’t, I don’t think I would mind.
I’m 26, newly single, and feeling the exact same way. My last relationship took so much out of me that I think it’ll be awhile before I start dating again. When I do, I’m hoping to find someone that will understand my need for space and independence. I’m tired of turning my relationship into the sundae – my alone/personal time becomes the little cherry on top. I want my life to be the sundae and my relationship to be the cherry on top from now on haha
I’m with you! I’ve had terrible experiences in dating and relationships and have caused huge damage to my mental health. Now that I’m back in a healthy place, do I really want to open the door for someone to come in and tear down all my good work? Plus OLD is the worst.
I’m pretty happy alone, why not just stay that way? The only thing I find hard is the world being so geared towards couples – pretty much every song on the radio is about romantic love, when looking at hotels etc I have to pay the single supplement, you need 2 incomes to afford to buy a house etc. Shakes my resolve pretty frequently, so I’m going to spend the next few years really working on myself in that regard, so I can stop doubting myself.
I 100% feel that. I am also a mid-20s woman and former serial monogamist. I am very much enjoying the single life. I can’t tell if it’s because all my previous boyfriends were controlling or I just don’t like to take another person’s needs into account… or if I’m overly accommodating. Probably a bit of everything. I think maintaining your individuality, independent hobbies, friends, etc are really important to counter those feelings of being trapped in a relationship. Ideally, my SO would just be like a friend that I really respect, spend a lot of time with, and have great sex with. And if we get bored, as I feel everyone in a relationship inevitably does, we go on adventures (sexually and otherwise) together.
I don’t know if that’s possible, though. At least at this point in my life, I’m pretty selfish. What if I was bored of my current life and they weren’t? Do you even get bored if you’re with the right person? What does “the right person” mean, and how much BS is acceptable to put up with? How do you avoid getting resentful? I just don’t know enough to make a decision yet and I don’t know if I’ll ever be willing to sacrifice any part of my life for another person. Maybe that’s the benefit of meeting someone later in life when you’ve had the chance to live a little and prioritize yourself for a while.
That was a ramble but what I’m trying to say is that we’re still so young and we know so little about ourselves and how we may change in the future. Just go along for the ride; if you meet someone, you’ll be able to tell if they’re worth sacrificing some of your freedom.
I’m a dude, and I absolutely, 100% agree with this. I’m taking at least a year off from anything relationship or sex related, and so far, I’ve been way less stressed.
I am married with children. And I’d rather be alone. I adore my family (children are 11, 12, 13 and 16) and my husband is wonderful. I am a very devoted mother and wife and take great care of my family but I’m a lone wolf at heart and I just wanna be free. If anything ever happened to the hubby (knock on wood) I would never look for a relationship again and once the children moved out I’d be on my own happily.
I’m turning 20 this November and I’ve been in just one serious relationship till now . It was a really good relationship until it just wasn’t. I got dumped brutally over the phone and it took me some time and a lot of therapy to get my mental stability back. I honestly feel that love is just a concept created by us to make sex (procreation) easier.
I am a 43F. I was married for a total of 24 years, to two different husbands. The first for 17 years (married for 15) and the second for 7 years.
I’m probably of the last generation of women where marriage was sort of expected. Being single means I don’t have to endlessly compromise, do everything by committee, and just deal with the daily BS of simply being enmeshed in someone’s elses life. NoboIdy gets on my case about sex, my house is always picked up and there are no fights about chores. My emotional and mental labor is way down, and I don’t have to validate anyone’s ego anymore (ahem…meeting their « needs »).
24 years of marriage was enough for me. The thought of getting into a serious relationship again makes me feel overwhelmed….almost like the thought of having another kid does. I’m not into the FWB thing because friends don’t fuck each other. However, the term « sexual acquaintance » seems applicable.
I’m a dude, but I kind of feel the same way. Dating sucks so hard, I have a hard time feeling like a relationship would make this suffering worth it at all.
I’m starting to feel this way too. I’m not saying American guys don’t treat and that I’ll find love with a foreign man, I just can’t see myself settling down in just one place. My love future looks bleak and I just want to focus on me now. I’m in my late 20s watching everyone around me coupled or getting married but I don’t identify and feel zero pressure to do the same at this point in my life. My career is set, the only thing left for me is travel
Right there with you!
i have been feeling this way lately.
i like doing what i want, when i want.
dont have to put them before me.
just get to live my day to day.
no fighting or bickering.
just me.
I got out of a 5 year relationship. Guy was everything I’d ever wanted in a man. We never faught when we didn’t see eye to eye, we just talked things out to make it work. We talked about marriage and possibly kids and were on the same page of how to raise them IF we decided to go that route. Lots of laughs and life was good. Through out the years I found out he was Bisexual and that eventually turned into him coming out as gay to me. He said everything we had was real and he doesn’t regret it. I’m just glad we didn’t get married and 10 years down the road he comes out then. I’m glad he felt comfortable enough with me to be true to himself. Is it shitty, absolutely. But life happens.
And here I am now, single. Dated guys here and there with it being a lot of effort to find someone that I even want to meet up with, having to deal with being ghosted and not being a huge fan of having to use condoms now (for the most part) *cough*
I’ve came to a point recently that I realized I spent a lot of my free time chatting up guys to see if I can get them to the bar with me or dinner or hookup .
I’ve only had 3 guys where I got passed the first date… and the one I get along with the best is going back to their home state (they were only in my area for military service). There’s always been this pattern in my life of my favorite people leaving me. Friend moving, my favorite grandparent dying first- things like that.
Every time I have a guy sleep over and he let’s me be really affectionate with him- scratching his back, washing him in the shower, cuddling etc I always get in my feels and makes me miss what I had.
Now breaking up isn’t all bad. I enjoy learning each guys kink and how they like to have sex. Had the best finger and eating game I’ve ever had. I’ll never forget him. Lol
But it’s still so… empty feeling at the end of the day after all that. So I’ve decided to not readily go after men like I was. I was with 1-2 different men every week.
I’ve decided to focus more on myself and use that free time to workout more, read more and have more time studying a foreign language… and just enjoy ME.
And this post was longer than I expected it to be.
Tl;dr Spent a lot of time pursuing men after my ex came out to me. Meaningless sex is great, but I’ve decided to focus on myself to work towards my dreams than spinning my wheels trying to find a relationship.
Edit: fix words
This seriously made me feel so much better
I just broke up with a kid because I have problems with commitment and I really care about him so I was being honest now he wont taln to me at all. So thank you!
I’m 26 and I can’t tell you how much I relate to this. I didn’t realize that this is how I feel. I know I don’t want to be with someone just because everyone else is but at the same time I have so much love for the right person and I know that I’m willing to go all in 100% effort. Unfortunately, not many guys are willing to do the same until they sack someone. I’ll just keep on working towards my goals and if I’m alone so be it, I’ll always have my dogs lol
Yeah I’m 30 and have already met my person, but we are not together. If him and I don’t end up together, I honestly can’t see myself going through the motions with anyone else again, at least not for a very long time. I’m fine being alone and focusing on my own life.
Depends on who you are and who you date I guess. Yes, the sex bit is tons of fun. Tons. But that’s only the teeniest tiniest tip of the relationship iceberg. I’m a bit of an introvert (re: bloody antisocial unless I make an active effort) so I’m not a huge fan of having people in my space. My boyfriend is very much the exception to this rule. I don’t get tired from having him around and if he isn’t there I genuinely miss him.
It’s not the sex, even though that is definitely a factor, but I enjoy having someone to end my day with. I like hearing what he had for lunch and I enjoy decompressing with someone who somehow manages to make me feel better even after the worst day. We’re still in the stage that we both actively go out of our way to do nice and thoughtful things for each other and I honestly hope that never goes away. I love our silliness and inside jokes and shared interests.
Finding someone who makes the mundane fun and brings out the best in you really is amazing. On the other hand being in a shitty relationship sucks the life rightt out of you. So if you have to choose between a shitty relationship and being single, I say choose life every time. But if you have a go at a happy one, then give it all you got.
This is so true. I’ve been single for 5 1/2 years and have never been happier. I realised that I’m not my best in a relationship and don’t really enjoy it. I have a couple of FWB for the sex and don’t need or miss the other stuff.
I’m a dude and I’d rather be single for the rest of my life, not questioning relationships, I’m just being realistic, the only reason any woman would be attracted to an average-looking untalented guy like me is money and I’d rather not be a cuck.
I’m a man, but I will say I took a 5 year break prior to my 30s. This helped quite a bit, as I was sort of in the same boat.
When I came back to dating it was rough – I went on a lot of bad dates and a lot of emotional struggles thanks to bad almost-relationships. What I learned is I had stuff I still hadn’t healed from (and bad behaviors like over-giving). Now I enjoy healthy adult relationships with multiple women; you don’t need the label, just people that treat you right
WGTOW
Yes but I want a family. And I do ultimately want a partner to share the rest of my life with. It’s just after my recent break-up and assessing my previous relationships, my standards and what I’m looking for in a partner have significantly changed and I’m worried that they’re too high or I’m expecting a lot out of people I date. I also just don’t know how to date because I just end up in long term relationships and going with the flow of everything without realizing I’m changing a lot of myself and values to go along with whoever I’m dating. So I need to just stay single for awhile and really decide and crack down on who I am, what I value, what my value as a person is, and go from there.
Sounds like dismissive avoidant attachment disorder (assuming your relationships aren’t abusive or terrible in some other way). You can try to convince yourself you don’t need anyone and can happily fulfill all of your emotional needs alone, but that just isn’t the case. Humans are social animals and are wired for social interaction and connection.
Start your own small toxic subreddit called WGTOW if there isn’t one already. /s
Been flying solo for 5 years now. Dodged lots of bullets
You’ve obviously not been in love my dear.
Just lust.
Welp this thread is making me insecure af. It feels like I am constantly running into women that want to be alone, date other women, or aren’t interested in dating. And I don’t blame you guys since men aren’t that great. And it feels like we do more harm than good most days. Esp. insecure guys like me.
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I just wish there was something we could do to be worthy of you guys. Since you mean so much to us ;_;
as a man, that’s kind of how I feel.
In my 20s I felt the same way.
Decades later, I feel differently.
Live how you want. Live for now. If you change in the future, that’s okay.
I think potentially, that it isn’t the relationships that are lacking in value, but the way you’re approaching them.
I also throw my everything into a relationship and usually come out of it, ready to be alone. Happy to be alone.
I’m currently working and restructuring my approach by restructuring my mindset and perspective before I try being in a relationship again.
I realized what I do value is someone I can bounce my ideas off, and the joy I get from quiet and intimate moments excites me more than any sexual fiestas. So I will focus on relationships at a different time and work on me.
This is the future, women staying single and fucking chads
As a woman if you want a successful, good relationship in your 30s you really need to be working on it in your 20s.
Do whatever makes you happy. If you were meant to be alone then just be alone it’s not for everyone.
I’m 40 and I’ve reached the same conclusion, think I’m gonna be alone forever and I’m pretty ok with that.
Me!
ME ✋✋✋ friendship works way better!!!
100% yes
/r/aromantic?