Dating : Autism and dating
I have mild autism and I need advice on working with my condition while dating. I sometimes have trouble reading body language, expressions, etc. It’s challenging to me. I’m concerned about people misunderstanding me and thinking I’m too weird.
The fact that you are aware of it, BBM538, is great. I’ve worked on/am working on some of the same issues. Here’s some things that have helped me.
1. If I’m getting to know someone, I’ll weave into the conversation that “I’m a recovering literalist.” If he/she asks what that means, I say that my default in the past has been to take spoken things at face value without fully considering context; I’m not good at reading between the lines; I’m not a good reader of body language or subtle changes in tone; my default speaking style used to be very direct, and appreciate/can take direct talk back. I tell them that I’m working on getting better at all those things. In doing this, I let them know some of my quirks, that I am aware of them, and I’m working on them – without using a diagnosis label that the person may associate with characteristics that I don’t have.
2. I remember: reciprocity, reciprocity, reciprocity.
– If he/she asks a question I am sure to ask them about the same thing in an open ended way. If he/she asks my favorite hobby, I’ll not only say what it is, but why I like it. Then I’ll ask him/her “what drew you to/do you like most about your favorite hobby?”
– During a conversation, occasionally ask myself if the speaking is roughly 50/50. If by chance I’m talking too much, I’ll throttle back and ask them a question. When dealing with something I’m passionate about (and thus tend to talk more about), I’ll say: “You can see I’m very excited about/interested in this and could go on for a long time. What do you get a charge out of/what gives you passion?”
– If he/she gives a small gift, I make sure whatever gift I give back is on par with what he/she gave me. (My default is to be generous, which puts some people off as being over the top or too friendly too fast.)
– If he/she is pretty quick to reply to SMSes, I try to match that (although fast smsing is not my inclination).
– If he/she eases off on communication, I do too while keeping occasional contact. That is, I leave the door open and occasionally remind him/her it’s there, without doing so as frequently as we used to communicate. This one is tougher, and I find no hard and fast rules. But I realize sometimes folks just get busy with other things, and sometimes the interests just drift apart. Neither is a bad thing (or necessarily a reflection on me).
I second the other reply/suggestion to look at YouTube videos about body language, expressions, etc. But I think the biggest thing is that you are aware of those things in yourself. Now you can work on them.
I hope my thoughts above help. Best of Luck !
Naw, you’re good. Just keep going out on dates and learn as much as you can. Befriend women and just get good at talking to women. Not every female encounter has to become a romantic relationship. On the flip side, every date is an opportunity to learn. Learn by dating and having female friends. Get to know your mother or a close female relative. Ask for advice.
Actually, it is proven that when an autistic person focuses on a goal he/she will see to it that all of his/her focus goes towards accomplishing, analyzing, and all energy gets put into understanding in this case dating. If you really want to understand, focus on researching!
As for the reading signals thing, you could Google basic facial expressions and what they mean, watch videos, research dating videos, forums anything. There’s this classic book called men are from Mars and women are from Venus. A good read to understanding basic opposite sex tendencies. Hope this helps!
I think expressing this to someone you are hanging out with socially, especially one one one, might be helpful. I don’t thing you have to say “I have autism” but I do think you could casually say “fyi- I’m not the best at reading body language so please don’t be offended if I misread you”.