Dating : Cold approach vs. online dating for non-top-10% men?
I think it seems pretty well accepted nowadays that if you’re in the top 10% of men, you can do anything you like to succeed. You can sit on your couch in an old t shirt and pick between hundreds of girls on Tinder with zero effort. But for the rest of us men it seems like the best pathway is a bit more challenging to find.
In my 20s I did the PUA thing hoping that like most things if I practiced at talking to and flirting with girls long enough I would become better at it and eventually my « skill » would help me perform better and get what I wanted. It didn’t really work that way. I found there’s a very low ceiling for how much better you can get if you already have basically good social skills and are not too shy. Mostly I found it was an exhausting enterprise with loads of rejection and depressing results. But very rarely a girl would be into me and that was nice. Occasionally it was fun. One of the pros was you could actually have some choice of who you talk to and it’s not as easy for other people to just completely ignore you face to face (though plenty literally do).
Online I’ve found it’s more like talking into a void. You just swipe endlessly with little or nothing back or sit around at your computer reading profiles and writing messages to people who never read your message or don’t reply. There is no real engagement at all.
Overall I can’t say if I had to guess that either is any more efficient than the other for me. Both require massive time investments of many hours to get even one lead. I’m not much of a drinker/dancer so I don’t crave being at bars/clubs.
I was reading one of the posters on here who was talking about going out solo to pick up girls at bars because all his friends are married and how he prefers it even though the outcomes are tough. I’m wondering if anyone else prefers this type of approach or what you’ve found comparing the two.
I’m not particularly shy and rejection is not that big of a deal to me (been rejected hundreds to thousands of times by this point), so I’m not afraid of cold approach. I just don’t like wasting my time.
Any thoughts or experiences?
Bro I’m telling you rn online dating is trash. At least for tinder. I’m not conceited enough to consider myself “top 10” but I post pictures on tinder and by the end of the day I’ll have like 20 matches. BUT THEY ALL NEVER RESPOND mind you I send them nothing crude or wack I just start with an ice breaker, out of the 20 maybe like 5 will respond and 1 IF YOURE LUCKY will actually go out w you, and tbh it works more with the big city girls, I recently moved to a smaller populated area and the pickings are slim..:
Cold approach is definitely a waste of time, because it implies day game, you’re at the grocery store / mall / grabbing lunch etc and you see a cute girl, you immediately B line and ask her out, she knows literally NOTHING about you, and it will literally be a hot or not response.
Either way, you’ll probably get a number, but if she wasn’t that into you, you’re not getting a response, or you’ll get flaked on a few times.
You hit the nail on the head though, going to bars / clubs / apps it’s a game of 98% rejection, a couple times a year you’ll get lucky if you are busting your ass, but the rest of the time, you’re going home to your hand.
Guys online MASSIVELY over estimate how much women want us, and sex in general. Women would rather pet a puppy, drink wine and laugh at a tv show than have sex with us. So, think about that when you’re out, takes all the pressure off cause you know from the get go it’s an uphill battle.
But, if you sit at your computer all the time playing video games and bitching on here about how bad it is, you’ll only feel bad and have no pussy. So, you gotta get out there and keep trying.
Maybe, you’ll get lucky, you’ll find the kind of girl you’ve been looking for, and you’ll happen to be a good fit for her, and whalla, but you’re most likely to spend all your money playing scratch offs and never hit a jackpot.
All cold approach all the way – sure there is the potential for a lot of rejection but that becomes less and less of a deterrent and after long enough the conversations are half the fun. Also – it’s nice to hear from women that some of them find a person approaching them IRL to be super refreshing.
The main thing is no expectations. I wouldn’t go straight out on a date with a stranger who approached me on the street so I wouldn’t expect them to either. It’s a gradual process of getting better at that initial opening moment, and goes beyond dating.
Both are total wastes of time. Cold approaching is for retards and online dating is for suckers.
Girls tend to be a lot more selective in online dating than in real life and people can hide dishonesty on apps or sites.
On the flip side, a good personality can outweigh any bad traits. Usually this comes through going out and meeting people. Girls tend to be quite selective and unfortunately there is nothing a guy can ethically do to change their mind but eventually you can work something out with a little bit of patience.
After reading your post I think what’s truly holding you back is the fact that you’re doubting yourself. Plus, online dating is an absolute shit hole. I consistently get matches and even dates but it’s almost always pointless.
This whole « top 10% » thing is distorting your perspective. You have « top 10% » qualities about you if you accent them — it’s not *all* about looks.
For me, what typically works is letting people know that you’re FUN to hang out with
( **without explicitly saying it** ). I know you said you’re not into drinking and bars which is actually a great thing. People are getting sick of « dinner and drinks » dates, or at least I know I am. So you could lead with something like that — Introduction > Ice Breakers > then whenever the time is right, ask them out for a date that’s a little out of the norm but not too romantic/expensive/time consuming.
Also, having a diverse friend group with a healthy mix of guys and girls will help you a lot. Having attractive/fun SINGLE women as platonic friends is a major help, along with having cool guy friends that your potential partner will have fun being around, too.
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If you ever want to run ideas by me shoot me a PM.
Here’s what’s wrong with your approach… You are overthinking things too statistically and too self conscious about things out of your own control.
The way you talk about women on how you use PUA tactics or doing things that aren’t you like hitting bars is kinda messed up. It’s not the movies, life isn’t a romcom.
What you should be doing is meeting people publicly through normal social interactions like hobbies, clubs, or anywhere out of the house.
If you want to look/be more confident makeup for dudes is hard work(profession/school), good fashion style/clean, and personality. If you have all that locked down you should be solid but it takes time.
Try top 0.1% bro. It’s over for anyone who’s not an athlete, internet famous, or drug dealer
Your writing style and massive posts make you come across as a dreadfully boring sperglord. The worst thing that a man can be in dating is not short, ugly, Asian, fat or skinny. It’s BORING
I dunno. One thing I do like about offline is that you know almost instantly. If a girl’s giving you positive signs she’s attracted. You can talk right away and see if she’s interested/get a feel for if you would match. It’s much more natural.
Online is much more convenient. There’s a wider selection, you aren’t limited by place, and it’s fairly low risk/obligation. I talk to a lot of girls, but it rarely goes anywhere. Honestly I lose interest ridiculously fast. I’m decent at reading the signs since I’ve done it so long. If a girl didn’t grab my interest and keep it, I’m into the next one.
So it really depends. I think I’ll find someone to marry online but find plenty of people to chill with IRL. I find hookups and fwbs online easy too, but given the climate quality fuck buddies are hard to find (thank you thousands of betas sending dick pics/acting thirsty…).
This isn’t a science, it’s a skill. Some people fall backwards into relationships early in life and it seems to work out for them. For me, I value my freedom and don’t trade it lightly. I *might* be top 30, but it depends on criteria. They’re either attracted to you or they aren’t. They’re single or they’re not. You get along or you don’t. The real skill is not over-investing when things aren’t in line. The rest is just fun/repetition. I like to mess with chicks, so for me it’s entertaining (like I sent this girl a message saying « On a scale from 1 to 20, how crazy are you? » – I got 4 messages in 20 seconds; it was fun!). So it all really depends. What are you trying to get out of this? Do you feel like dating is fun? If it’s not fun, why are you doing it? No one wants dating to be a chore, but it’s like flossing – you do it because it’s good for you and gives you what you want. If basic self-care is a chore, you may want to rethink how you feel about it. I do it for me, because I want to, because it’s fun. The second it stops being fun (unless we’re getting serious), I’m pretty much done. With good matches things flow – the bad ones? Fuck ’em!
Cold approaching never works. You are putting the horse before the cart, and requiring an on spot decision without any information or background. Select a woman that isn’t random, someone where the probability of seeing her again is likely or increased. Observe her for awhile. Not creepy. Don’t stare and bore into her. Learn how to be discreet. Get used to her and her presence. Learn her language and how she interacts with the world. Get comfortable with her first.
Work on cultivating organic conversation, familiarity, tension, slow-burn and chemistry. What is the rush? **Work on imprinting. Imprinting** is my personal preference and important, imo.
The first day, make your face known. Give it some time. Let her see you a few times. Let her get used to you. Come back in a few days. Walked passed her and let her get familiar with your scent and natural smell. The next few days, greet her with casual friendliness. The next few days, pull her in with questions. Get familiar. Drop the question.
I am biased. But if a man keeps showing up, keeps imprinting himself on me in casual familiarity, comes close enough where I can have a smell of him and use my senses, etc. Women have a keen sense of smell and heightened senses in comparison to men. I am more likely to cultivate a genuine/honest answer in a positive way on being asked out if I have been imprinted by familiarity, consistency and repetition vs a cold approach out of nowhere.
Profit.