Dating : Does anyone court anymore or am I missing something?
I’ve been on dates with guys I’ve met irl and from old and to me it seems like the bar is set so low nowadays. When I met my ex in 2012 we went on multiple dates, got to know each other and built a friendship before relationship.
Fast forward to now and guys are expecting me to “come over and chill” on the second date or even after the first date. First of all, no. Secondly, where’s the effort? One date does not get you vetted and I wonder what type of guys are inviting females over so quick. I’m sure I already know the answer to that question but still wtf.
I used to put a lot of effort into planning « fun » dates, taking people to things like wine tastings, art galleries, the science museum, even took one girl to a rope-bondage workshop. Usually, I’d want there to be both an activity and then food/drinks afterwards.
But then I quit. Now, I just ask them out for drinks at a pub.
Why? Well, as much as I prefer to do the fun stuff, it was pretty exhausting always trying to think up new « cool » things to do, putting all the effort into planning, just for people who would ghost me eventually, anyway. I noticed a trend in which girls were more likely to come out when I pitched a « fun » thing, but then would be « busy » when I asked them just for drinks/food for a subsequent date, leading me to realize that they weren’t interested in *me* so much as they were interested in the fun things I was taking them to.
It also sucks when, as a guy, I’d pretty much have to initiate and plan every single date. The few times a woman has asked me out, she would still ask me where we should go and what we should do. Even when asked out, I’d have to plan the date.
I’ve never asked anyone to just « come over, » but I still live with my folks. As much as people claim not to like being asked to do that, other people seem to have success doing it, so I’d probably do it if I had my own place.
I prefer the fun activity dates to just having drinks and food with no activity beforehand, myself. But with all the ghosting, I just didn’t feel my time and effort was being appreciated (no, I didn’t do these things because I expected a relationship or sex in return, and I’d totally understand when I was just rejected properly instead of being ghosted). If you really prefer to have better dates, why don’t you initiate and plan the dates instead of being disappointed that they aren’t pitching proper ones? I mean, there are (at least) two parties present here.
Patience is a virtue. You will be rewarded for requiring patience in your suitors as well.
Virtue is its own reward in building a satisfying life!
Just ask Ben Franklin – who ‘borrowed’ his ideas on Virtue from Aristotle!
funny i grew up in a pakistani american/muslim household and its the opposite, i feel like women don’t court much. it’s drinks and then blowjob by the fourth date 80%+ of the time.
If they are not willing to put in the effort, they are not your guy. NEXT!
Definitely, there are a lot of people out their who like the idea of “real” dates instead of just “chilling” immediately.
If that’s not what your after then this could be a good test for potential partners. If they ask to chill on date 1, nah… and then let them know what you’re comfortable with if it gets brought up too early.
I’ve been with my partner 3.5 years and we dated for a few months before she agreed to come over to mine (we were both 23/24), which let us really get to know each other first.
I don’t even know anymore. Dating has changed so much since the last time I was even on a date with anyone, I’m not sure courting is really a thing.
» Fast forward to now and guys are expecting me to “come over and chill” on the second date or even after the first date. First of all, no. Secondly, where’s the effort? One date does not get you vetted and I wonder what type of guys are inviting females over so quick. I’m sure I already know the answer to that question but still wtf. »
The point of standing your ground and knowing your worth is not that people who do not appreciate or respect you won’t show up anymore. They are the majority, so be prepare to meet tons of those. The point is that you knowing what you want will scare off the type of people you want to be scared off, so you can actually focus on the ones worth your time and effort. Don’t settle for less than you are willing to give. That’s where your responsibility lies.
> “come over and chill »
works for chadfish r/ChadFish
People like sex? Lol.
Well most people. If the sex is awful why would I even want to pursue a relationship? Like that’s an easy boundary to knock out of the way early.
Rather than oh I’m already strongly emotionally attached and then I find out the sex is terrible and now I have to rip both our fucking hearts out.
I don’t know what to tell ya. I meet a lot of different women and let me tell you: a lot of them aren’t worth knowing, let alone « courting ». Some are though. Few and far between.
I honestly don’t trust women as a gender. I totally get why women don’t trust men as a whole as well. A lot of guys are terrible people, and totally not worth knowing.
All that said – I *usually* go in with the mindset of courting. If a girl’s on the fence, acting aloof or bitchy, or gives me a bad vibe, they instantly get knocked into « friendzone » territory. I don’t date people I don’t like, but I’ll sleep with them if I don’t fucking hate them. I for sure won’t chase (any woman), but I’ll put in the effort with those that return it/appreciate being courted.
It’s all a big mess. Some perfectly decent people get caught up in the bs brought on by liars, narcissists, and sociopaths. This perpetuates the misery that is human relationships and makes the whole thing almost unbearable – EXCEPT knowing that not everyone’s like this and you WILL eventually find decent people.
I’ll be honest though – I’ve never met someone decent online dating. If I did, we didn’t connect or some other bs prevented it from happening. I *have* found decent people online, but every single one of them was not even dating; I stumbled across them by luck, and they were fantastic (or at least down to earth, honest, humble people). The only « good ones » I’ve found on dating sites were people just giving it a shot. They don’t stay long, either. I think we OLD-timers have been in it too long; our WTF-checker is broken and it takes extreme WTFs to even notice anymore.
Why put effort in courtship if we aren’t sexually compatible?
A sexually incompatible couple is doomed to fail, might as well see if things work out quickly rather than later.
That being said, your notion of courtship seems to rely heavily on the male putting all the effort in to « win » you.
You aren’t the prize, the relationship is.
Fear of missing out (on someone « better »), too many options, therefore we can be easily discarded. « Neeeeext… » mentality because of it.
Also because the majority just wants to hook up I presume. So yea..
I make an effort every day to delight my girlfriend somehow from a very small thing to large things. So yes. I just like seeing her light up.
I think the last one I did was just buy the bar soap she uses in my shower because she ran out. See, small thing, but I was thinking about her.
For a first date though you should do something very casual like coffee or a drink because you are investigating if there is a spark. Very, very often there isn’t. A big date can be the second/third date where you have a real connection because you probably want to share that with someone special.
Those guys want FWB, not a relationship, and won’t admit it. That’s why. Good guys are often not online either.
hm…. i invite friends over as well without having any sexual or hidden thoughts thought…(but im not everyone so i guess i cant generalise that)
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still agree that people (male and female) tend to look at relationship way more lightly…
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(PS: less then 1/3 of all female friends that i invited over i had ever any interest in going into a relationship with and didnt have any hidden agenda for it… it was just casual invite for a dinner or something… same like meeting friends outside to eat with but less expensiv and more fun cooking together)
Online dating culture has a lot to do with this
Don’t allow that. There are guys out there who do « court » aka just take it at a normal pace. Guys who want you to « come over and chill » want something casual.
That’s adorable and yes the little things do matter. I’m not asking for gold and dinner at Benihana’s just put forth effort to get to know me.
I’m wondering the same thing :/
You will get some SIMP men soon. They are everywhere but weak.
r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen