Dating : Doesn’t Want to Be Exclusive After 4 months?
I am 21F and he is 21M, found him on OLD in February. He just got out of a long term relationship. Things went real well at first, then a few weeks into March we got into some weird arguments since he was accusing me of all sorts of things like being racist, homophobic, using him for sex, using him as a backup option, and about to ghost him. I didn’t ghost him, but I withdrew majorly because I didn’t feel like I could trust him. Things were pretty awkward all of April. We did not see each other as much, but it progressively improved.
Things improved a lot in May, we finally reached a much better place. The first part of May was a little weird, he went like a whole week not talking to me so I got back on Tinder thinking he was going to ghost. I found him on there and swiped as a joke. He apologized for his crappy communication. He admitted that he picked those fights with me because he was in a poor place mentally and apologized for accusing me of all of that. He said he sees now none of his accusations were based in fact. A lot of things improved after that and I finally felt like he was someone I could trust and invest in. He did make a joke somewhere near the middle of May about not knowing what we were.
Now we are into June, things have stayed great for a while so I decided to throw in some talks of where this is going. Claims he wouldn’t be driving to my area and sleeping with me if he wasn’t interested. Okay. Says I’m the only person he’s sleeping with and wants me to tell him when I get with other guys. Ummm, I don’t roll that way pretty monogamous. Also says that while he feels things have improved he still feels really distant from me and like it hasn’t gone to where it was pre-arguments March. So I said, okay how do you expect me not to emotionally withdraw when I hear that? He claims I misunderstood him, then says we have already talked about dating before and says we have different goals in life. What when we were arguing about how he couldn’t date me because I am a racist? To the second one, we both want to go to graduate school, no kids, and help our communities. I know he has his wounds, but I like what he is doing in life and want to support him.
tldr: First guy I’ve dated, keeps deflecting the serious talk, not sure what to do.
First guy you’ve dated, which is why you’re letting him get away with these baby games. There are numerous red flags here. This isn’t normal behaviour. This isn’t a healthy anything, and would end up being a destructive relationship.
Stop now, move on.
Question: you’re dating (going out, having dinners/drinks, meeting each other’s friends)? Or just sleeping together?
4 months is enough time for someone to know if they want to exclusively be dating you or not IMO.
Your still very young.. just make sure you are having fun and trust the person you are with.
He seems immature and not worth the hassle. You should be having a good time.. are you?
He’s not into you that much. If a guys interested he will want to lock you down already and would never make a statement like « tell me if you sleep with other guys ». If he likes you he would be like « did you delete OLD yet ». Also the comment about having different goals in life seems to me that he doesn’t imagine a future with you. I’m sorry but as much as it hurts I’d let this one go. Major incompatibility.
>Doesn’t Want to Be Exclusive After 4 months?
>
>He just got out of a long term relationship.
Obviously…
>Says I’m the only person he’s sleeping with
On Tinder? Doubt.
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Anyway, what did you say that made him call you racist, homophobic?
Also, why does he say that he purposely picked those arguments due to being in a poor place mentally, but feeling like it hasn’t gone to where it was pre-arguments? So, is he implying that he’s still not mentally in a good place, or that he didn’t actually pick the arguments purposely?
Also, if he says he wants you to tell him if you see other guys, and you’re the only person he’s sleeping with, doesn’t that imply exclusivity?
So many questions…
Based on what you’ve said I can see why he wouldn’t want to commit to you and I’m surprised you’re interesting in still committing to him.
I’m not sure by exclusive if you mean exclusively seeing or in a relationship (tbh to me they’re both one of the same but I understand people have different opinions) but the whole point of dating is to figure out if you’re a compatible match.
At this point it doesn’t seem you are. 4 months of dating isn’t meant to be rocky. You may find him attractive but I do feel as if you’re far too invested in someone who’s made is quite clear he isn’t that invested in you…yet.
Additionally his request that you tell him who you sleep with is odd – but he also implies he’s open to sleeping with others. It’s best to assume people are sleeping around when dating (monogamy isn’t a word I would use about someone who isn’t committed to you) but of course if it’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s best to make that clear early on in dating.