Dating : Doing things to meet people is getting exhausting
I am a pretty social person but I have never really had the kind of dating success I have wanted. For perspective, I’m 29 year old guy and I live in a medium sized city so I know there are worse places to be looking for a partner. I’ve gone out on dates with lots of girls but I have never really had anything go past maybe a date or two. Usually we have a nice conversation, have a laugh, yada yada. Then, I usually ask for a second date if I feel even a hint of a spark. And usually I either get ghosted or it’s the same old, « I’m just too busy to date right now. »
My big issue now is that it’s getting really exhausting and frustrating having to go out to different events and places to find someone. I’m not going to give up, but motivation is starting to be an issue, I guess. For example, I used to do volunteer events, social leagues, random game nights. But over time, I feel like the amount of energy I have put into the whole trying to find someone hasn’t paid off. I’ve even tried just « letting go and not even trying to meet someone. »
At this point, it’s becoming difficult to motivate myself to actually keep doing these activities. Kind of feels embarrassing and like I’m a loser going to this stuff just to find someone. To be clear, I know I’m not in the worst position given my age and where I live, I just can’t help feeling a bit hopeless. Especially since all of my friends pretty much have met people on apps or at events, etc. I’m wondering if anyone has some similar experiences or insight?
I’ve had similar issues – 33F living in a decent sized metropolitan area. It feels like everyone not only has a significant other already but they also have established friend groups and it’s really hard to break into that. Without that, going and doing events by yourself gets tiring; and then you always get the comment “oh, you’re here alone?” Which then leads to you having to explain everything. I’m also not a local, having grown up in a different metro so trying to have my friends hook me up with there single friends is nonexistent. Plus my friends are really more people I know from work with the aforementioned established friends they’ve known since school so without any wing people to do things with it all can feel sort of pathetic.
I go for periods where i just stop trying because all my well-meaning attached friends give me the advice – “you’ll find him when you stop looking.” Like it’s that easy. But when I don’t put myself out there I feel like I live such a solitary life, and as a social person that’s super hard for me. So, to continue on with the sometimes mind-numbing process of trying to meet people or basically feel like a hermit, leave it up to fate and see what happens? it’s a conundrum for sure, but one you’re not alone in! I feel you, buddy.
Are you doing things *you* like? You’re sexiest when you’re having fun. Are you putting yourself first when deciding what events to do? What places to eat at? Ideally, you want to do something she likes too, but for the first or second meeting, do what you want. Look at it this way, you’re already interested in her, so she needs to find out more about you and it’s your job to do that. She deserves to see you in your element, not out on some anxious excursion. Be happy, and she’ll get to see the best side of you instead of someone who feels like he *needs* to do this ritual.
I can relate. I’m only 18, almost 19, so stone me if you will, but I suppose the feeling is the same.
It gets a bit boring, doesn’t it? It’s a drag. A self-fulfilling prophecy. You go out not even thinking you’ll get a date, right? Do all the right things, go to all the right bars and places, check the place out – but even when there are opportunities, there’s no guarantee that they’ll work out. There’s actually a near-certain guarantee that they won’t. I’m like you, I guess. I go out to bars and clubs NOT trying to meet someone. Makes no difference.
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Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s hard to date as a normal guy. But, come to think of it, it’s hard to date in general, no matter who you are. I wish I could give you advice, but seeing as I’m in a similar situation, all I can really offer you is my sympathy. I get you man.
It’s not a life sentence though. I firmly believe we’ll end up with good, solid women. Maybe the key is laying off and just doing our own thing. Solid, talented, hard-working guys lose at first, but I’ve heard that it gets better. It’s a tough time we live in, my man. Keep fighting.
I’m 30F and have lived in five major cities in the last 12 years. Most of the people I know from early 20s to late 30s across all five cities are pretty much single unless they knew someone from growing up or met them in school. Making friends is easy—and probably easier than it was a decade ago since everyone isn’t in relationship-land, but romantically its a whole different world.
I think part of it is standards are so high nowadays because of instagram and apps (disclosure: I’ve been told I’m not attractive enough to date by three guys and a few friends, so I’ve retired from dating all together so this is my perspective of friends’ dating lives). Its so easy to see someone who fits into what could possibly be, similar to how people look perfect behind sunglasses or with their hair in their face. It’s like you can fill in a personality and voice so you’re not only up against a vast amount of real people but also imaginary ideas of people. So while you’re out trying to meet someone at an event or bar, they could be seeing someone on their phone clouding their interest. Thats what it seems to me, anyway.
I think it’s best to just give the vibe out that you’re open to meeting someone. Be yourself, be kind and happy, and say hi to people. Like when you ask how someone is doing, really ASK. That’s my best advice.
I’m a 40F and live in a smaller town and have had trouble even knowing where to go and meet guys, especially when I mostly just work and go home. So you’re doing well getting out there and not relying on the aps, which I find to be a complete shit show haha. It’s very hard not to get discouraged but I still try and be hopeful, I’ve taken some time to just focus on myself. Maybe taking sporadic breaks where you just focus on you, or find some new hobby to distract you from thinking about dating for a bit can help you stay motivated for when you are looking again. I may steal a page from your book and look into some volunteer events and such, those are great ideas! Good luck to you!
If you’re not having fun doing the actual activity, if you’re just there strictly to hit on women, I can see why that’s both extraordinarily draining and not getting you results. Go to something if you actually want to do the thing and if you happen to meet someone, great! But don’t ever make that the point of the thing.
32M new in town even new on the continent, and fairly big city. Just copy past your story.
I’m trying a different approach but it’s much longer to get results. I try to get friends. I mean good ones, hoping I’ll get invited to dinerseventsdrinks. It means meeting new people maybe future friends or more who knows. At least you creat bonds with people that you keep as friends. At the end even if you’re still single you’re not alone and you created yourself an healthy base for your new life. In the long run you might find someone.
Not really successful so far but I met some people I can call friends.
Hope the best for you and keep searching!
Just do shit you enjoy. Forcing yourself to volunteer, cooking classes, dance, or any kind of shit you find lame will make you miserable and thus unattractive. Find something you have a passion for and that will make you attractive.
I sure as hell ain’t going to salsa dance lessons just to pick up chicks lmao. They can see through that shit anyway.
I dated few girls that I met on my way from home to convenience store.
> « I’m just too busy to date right now. »
u didn’t pass the date. when u talk to a new girl and she mentions she has a bf after few minutes, u didn’t pass the test.
i’m few yrs older and meeting ppl gets harder not easier. once u hit that 30 mark, i think most single ppl start to panic and hustle their way into finding someone.
is it silly to say that im in my 30s and feel burnt out. dating and fiance, it’s all additional stress. we’re going through generation of lonely men
Yep, you and me both, man. Hit the nail on the head. Not that it makes it any easier to bear, I think a lot of guys are in this situation
Take a break if you are feeling exhausted. You should be happy to date and it probably comes across that you are exhausted and you aren’t excited to be there.
That’s why you use apps dummy
You sound like an honest guy. Women don’t like honest guys. They think they are liars. Women like the liars. They think they are honest.