Dating : Exception to the rule for widow?
I met this awesome lady on Okc. She came across as genuine, fun and we share many common interests. Right off the bet, she mentioned that she is a widow and she has recently been troubled by a stalker (who showed up in her workspace when he was rejected and had to change her numbers). I can sense that she is extremely careful with her contact/social media which I can understand. We agreed to exchange number only when both are comfortable.
Now we have been texting via app for about a week now (have not gotten her number). We exchanged several pics. The common advice is to push for a date. However she wants to take this slow. The text has now become like an interview. It appears that she is interested but also being extremely cautious.
I don’t want to become her text buddies.
How can I escalate this? Is this a red flag? Would pushing it hard push her away? Should I pull back and see what happen?
Background: both of us have kids, we are in early forties, we have busy schedules.
I’m ready to play the long game but definitely don’t want to waste time. I’ve other options but she seems to be the best
Thanks in advance for any pointers/advice.
Sounds very fishy to me.
I think you can tell her what you told us in a respectful open way, expressing your wants and fears in « I » statements. Just be as up front and honest as possible, that’s what builds trust.
Personally I don’t think a week is as long as some people. I would give it another week or so due to her concern, but within that week ask questions/make comments that suggest that you hope she’s getting comfortable and wants a face-to-face meet up soon. Don’t press too hard or anything, but you should probably decide (probably now) how much is too much and how far along you are willing to go without meeting. Hopefully it’s not true, but it could be a ruse and she may have no intention of ever meeting anyone.
Speaking as a woman who has been in such scenarios! While you are not obligated to play by her rules, try to! Who knows she is the one! Afterall you only need one person right! If you believe that taking it as slow as wants may waste your time, be open to pursuing other women :not more than 2: simultaneously till something pans out with her! Where is the hurry if you both get what you want!
All I am saying is, as a person (I) who royally f**** up anything and everything before the first date, it may be prudent to go along with the flow! She may be as nervous about meeting the potential one as you! Being a widow before the age of 40 is a grief that makes a person reevaluate their entire life a 1000 times! Give her some leeway !
I would say talk to her about just that.
Mention the fact that you would like to meet her in person/take her on a date… but that you’re mindful of her past experiences making her cautious.
Just make it clear that you are happy to go to w next level but that you’re happy to leave the ball in her court as to when/where… that way she knows you’re not happy JUST being text buddies but you ARE happy to wait until she is ready and she gets the choice of where so as to minimise the pressure.
i have no real tips to give, considering my own situation confuses the living fuck out of me. I CANNOT INTERNET TODAY! I HAS THE DUMB!
that said, this does sound like she just scared shitless. the drive seems to be there, but yer her first spark after.. you know.. doubly so after her own attempts turn sour.
i´d probably push… no, not push.. « lean towards » the direction of a « non-date ». « i´m probably doing Y or Z. if you are in the area, do join » date but not really. something practical af. casual cup of coffee SHORTLY after a workday. heck, why not even really good breakfast somewhere.
doesnt need exchange of numbers at all, showing up regardless whether she join you or not demonstrates patience etc and she forms an actual opinion of you.
makes suggesting the idea of an actual date slightly easier.
Treat as normal.
>The text has now become like an interview.
you could suggest to her that it would be easier for you to answer her questions in person. let her pick the date, time and location. she’s obviously interested in you or she wouldn’t be interviewing you. tell her that you prefer to spend no more than two weeks messaging before you meet someone in person. this is a good way to avoid becoming pen pals who never meet. tell her that you will do whatever she asks, , within reason of course, to make sure that she feels comfortable and safe. you could suggest that she brings a friend or sets up a double date.
Ask to meet for a simple coffee, somewhere busy and public. That way it’s nothing overwhelming or threatening.
This is also the reality of online dating for men and women. There are some very dangerous people out there.
oof fishy af . dont
I’m also currently engaging with a woman on OKC. Sometimes she responds in a few minutes, other times she takes a day or 2. Be patient, but follow your gut. Until you’re in a committed relationship you’re free to engage multiple women. As far as how to up it to the next level, whether phone or in person, let me know when you find out.
GL
Why complicate your life? What about your other matches?
Yes, pushing hard will scare her away. If you are truly interested you will need to take it at her pace. And answer the questions. I totally get where she’s coming from. Lot’s of creeps out there, man! Too many to count!