Dating : Fear of men

Dating : Fear of men

I’m a straight woman but becoming absolutely terrified of men. I’m 23.

I’m what many would consider very attractive, and I’m intelligent with two degrees. But I’m not meeting men in my day to day life. Dating apps are the ONLY way I find dates. And it’s becoming horror story after horror story. My friend just got assaulted. Another acquaintance just got raped. Another girl in the area showed up to her tinder date and 4 men were there to gang rape her.

I guess my question is, are there better ways to find dates than Tinder or Bumble? How are ladies out there doing this in a way that is safe?

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What do you think?

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  1. D: oh my goodness.
    I’ve only heard of this happening on the news/rare.

    I’m so sorry this has been your experience as well as your friends. I use dating apps but I like to text and potentially call with them before meeting. Maybe even add them on social media. Then I will go meet them in a public place like a cafe or bar.

    For me personally this has worked, just talking to them beforehand and adding on social media.

    I know this isn’t probably the best best advice but it’s my experience. I hope you have good luck with this!

  2. This is so rare.

    This hardly ever happens. How can you be so scared? Stop listening to the media, this is blown out of proportion.

    Maybe do some research into the men, learn whether they’re catfishes. Talk to them on the phone/facetime them?

  3. Oh my goodness this is awful. I have a friend who was raped during a Tinder date. Turned me off Tinder completely, so when I joined online dating a few years later, I only used Bumble, Hinge and CoffeeMeetsBagel. I guess app choice doesn’t make a huge difference as many people are on multiple apps though.

    I went through a period where for about 2 months I went on maybe 30 dates with around 16-18 men. They were all decent, authentic, sweet men. It was a lot of fun – many weekends I had 3-4 dates lined up, good midweek dates too.

    Fortunately nothing negative happened to me at all, maybe due to a combination of luck and the rules I followed:

    – message with them for on average a week before committing to a date. If they ask you on a date on like on day 2 of messaging, schedule the date for like 5 days hence (oh I’m sorry I’m quite busy this weekend, how about mid next week?), then continue getting to know them through messaging. That way you can call if off if you start to get dangerous vibes from them.
    – always do the first date in a very public, busy place, during daylight hours if possible, if it has to be in the evening (e.g. if it’s winter and already dark by the time you finish work) do it in a very well-lit and busy public place
    – always do first date over coffee/tea at a cafe or restaurant rather than at a bar or over alcoholic drinks (I can’t drink alcohol anyway, which I’m upfront about)
    – don’t invite them back to your place until around date #4
    – I live near a post office (where there are PO Boxes) so there are CCTV security cameras. Whenever I brought a guy home we walked through the PO Box corridor (it’s one way to get to my place from the train station) and I just casually mention that I walk this way as opposed to another route, because of the cameras. PS – I met someone I really liked during my 2 month dating blitz, which is why it only went so long. He and I have been seeing each other exclusively for almost 6 months now. We still walk through the PO Box corridor when we go back to my place, it’s habit.
    – don’t get into their car until around date #3
    – always tell at least 2 girlfriends who you’re out with and what time you expect to finish, I always used to send a text going “hey I’m meeting up with X today, if you don’t hear from me by 11pm, raise the alarm”.

    I’m lucky that I live in a fairly large “small city” (population 5 million) so there are lots of men, I live only 20 minutes walk or 1 train ride away from a very busy metropolis, and only a 3 minute walk from my train station. So if you live somewhere more secluded it may be harder.

    Good luck! There are good men out there. Don’t let the bad ones ruin all men for you.

  4. Hinge is a bit better – it’s criticised for allowing you to filter dates by social class but obviously it results in less shit like this happening.

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