Dating : Genuinely confused about my dating life. I can’t seem to find/attract men that I’m compatible with at all.
Little background; I’ve always been considered an attractive girl (5’2, 120ish pounds, workout 6 days a week, brown hair, brown eyes, beige/ivory skin). I’m extremely humble about my looks however because of the family and culture I grew up in, being snobby/stuck up is frowned up and distasteful in my culture. Because of this, I always worked on building my personality to match my looks, I’m kind, giving, LOVE family values, I’m very very humorous, I’m smart. I have a degree and a good job and have started a business as well (nothing crazy – I’m not a millionaire or anything, just comfortable).
I really enjoy dating apps because I like the idea of meeting someone through my own connection if that makes sense. I am not really keen on dating someone at work, I don’t like the idea of meeting someone through friends because I like a level of privacy in my relationship that I feel with a mutual friend(s) would be lifted and bars/clubs are definitely not my scene. I guess the only thing is the gym and honestly I’m too focused on my workout to try and attract a mate haha so online dating seems like my best option.
Oh side note… actually main point of the whole post haha: I’ve always had this issue with dating/attracting men and it’s that the guys that approach me are in no way shape or form compatible with me and I know that soooo deeply down in my gut and it kind of throws me off. I’ve even gave in at times and given them a chance and it has not worked out, it ended badly. So this is another reason why I enjoy online dating because I get to choose who I match with and get an idea of our compatibility rather than being approached by some dude at Starbucks who is the literal opposite of me in every way but so badly wants to get to know me. However even with online dating, I still seem to have this issue…. read on…
Im currently using bumble and Hinge. Hinge is a very slow app with way fewer users than bumble so I barely even check it. But let’s talk about bumble. I am somewhat selective/picky when it comes to matching (for reasons mentioned above and also I’m trying to find a long term partner, I think it’s understandable for anyone to be picky when making this decision – it shouldn’t be a rushed half-ass decision). I don’t seem to have a problem matching but it’s the communicating that’s giving me issues. I’d say 9/10 guys don’t even respond and let the conversation die at the 24 hr time limit so I just assume they either didn’t see it or weren’t interested and then the ones that do respond, it eventually just dies after very few exchanges and again, I just assume they weren’t interested. My opening lines are pretty creative too so I really do think it’s lack of interest. Is it possible that all the guys I’m matching with just aren’t interested in me? Haha. I’m confused. Am I using bumble incorrectly? Is it really just a hook up app? Because I definitely don’t give off the hook up vibe. I try and avoid the guys that have “something casual” in their bio and mainly match with ones that want a relationship but the results are really no different. I don’t like talking about “leagues” but I know it will come up in the comments and let me say, I definitely don’t think these guys are “out of my league” at all. Most are from my culture and ones I know I would be compatible with and all are very much in my league or maybe even a level or two below me but I’m still struggling.
My guy friends tell me I’m taking bumble too seriously and that it’s really strictly a hook up app. They could be right but I see a lot of people finding real romance on there. Regardless, even if I resorted back to dating in real life, the odds are not in my favor. I never seem to get approached by men that I would be compatible with, very genuinely confused. Can anyone relate or explain this to me?
Edit: my dating history consists of 2 serious relationships and 1 semi-serious, all obviously didn’t work. First one was when I was 20, he was 21. We were too young, it ended because neither one of us had really “found ourselves” yet and once we started to, we realized we weren’t meant to be. Second one, was because I gave a guy who was more interested in me than I was in him a chance and it was extremely turbulent as I couldn’t develop feelings for him and we constantly argued about it. Third and most recent one wasn’t as serious, he was younger than me and we started out as friends and just kind of began dating after 6 months, we were in completely different places in life so we eventually broke it off but still remain cordial.
Probably the guys you are matching with. I get a ton of just simple openers « hi » « hey » sort of thing, but I always reply. Simply because we both swiped right. A lot of people now a days just don’t know how to converse. I can’t find any real connections either, I’m truly a great guy that no one has the attention span to get to know.
only having 24 hours to respond after a match or to that first message is the main reason, imo, that bumble is terrible and i stopped using it after a few days. most people i know don’t enable notifications for these apps. if i’m in a meeting at work – and i bring my own device – i don’t want bumble, tinder, etc. popping up on my phone. and because most people don’t pay, they don’t know if they have a match until you’ve both swiped right. i tend to swipe while i’m getting ready to go to sleep, and don’t want to engage in a conversation with someone new at that hour of the day. the next day, i’m busy with the rest of my life. it’s easy to have the 24 hours expire.
I think you can filter profiles by paying members if you yourself are a paying member. At least you’d be dealing with people who are on these sites for the right reasons and not just people fucking around because they’re bored.
Out of curiosity, what contributed to your decision to use Hinge and Bumble instead of Tinder?
Try Match! I’ve had the best luck there. Make a great bio and let men message you. Respond to the ones that interest you.
What exactly are you interests? Maybe instead of using OLD try going to an event that involves something you love doing. Maybe take classes? I take acting classes and meets tons of cool people. Sometimes you gotta focus on yourself and find who you really are as well, cause sometimes you are not satisfied with yourself mentally and don’t know it.
> My guy friends tell me I’m taking bumble too seriously and that it’s really strictly a hook up app
These apps are what you make of it, but I wouldnt consider Bumble strictly a hook up app.
Best piece of advice is imagine the type of man you want to attract. What do you think THEY want in a woman? Try and be that woman.
You might have decided against this already but I had luck only with Tinder. Met my 2 ex’s off it and the new guy I’m talking to (Tindering while traveling).
I consider it a numbers game! I chat with guys for a few days, look up their social media and meet up. You can’t always tell when there will be a connection. I prefer to have the guy message me first so I am less likely to get a guy who is lukewarm about me. And many of the guys I went on dates with were looking for a relationship.
Regardless it does happen you have to drop someone when it becomes clear they’re not actually into meeting up or they get weird on you.
You have to sort through a lot of weirdos but it’s worth it to find the right person!
You say you visit the gym 6 days a week? Is one or more of your pictures of you at the gym by any chance? Because I swipe left on any gym pictures, it just really makes people look unattractive to me.
Overall Id say you might just be too laser focused. Dating apps can really only be enjoyed if you arent looking for anything specific and just want to roll with the flow.
So as far as I understand the guys who approach you in person are not your type and online dating doesn’t work for you. So have you tried approaching guys you fancy instead?
Can’t honestly tell you much without seeing a profile. It would all be shots in the dark.
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I haven’t invested too much time into dating apps yet, but OMG, people are so flakey.
I put in my profile, « Let me know you read my profile. If you say ‘hey there’, I’ll just assume you are a scammer. »
I get lots of ‘hey there’s’. Only one said it as a joke. But her profile wasn’t my type.
I liked another girl, sent a message. Weeks later, she likes me too. But no message back. I wait a few days, send a message, she doesn’t read it, couple days later, she deletes the conversation. So weird.
They say hi, or match, you reply, they disappear.
It’s not you, it’s the people on these sites.
Not saying there might not be some fine tuning your profile might need or something, but seriously, people on these sites are super immature. Why match or say hello just to say nothing, or hardly respond?
Women are the same way. It’s not men or women, it’s the people who get on these sites. Very annoying.
You will never find yourself if you keep worrying about being compatible. True happiness changes your entire life. You won’t even like the things you do now. Find someone you think is lying to you. You will find love when you realize he is telling the truth. Most women pick the guys they believe are telling the truth until they find out they are lying.
If you’re in SoCal and you can’t find a date, you might not be as hot as you think or your photos are not good. Maybe they’re too strongly edited. Sorry to say. This isn’t to put you down, but my friends who are good looking as a girl in socal barely put in any work and have tons of matches and dates. Like one girl who’s just average in attractiveness (maybe a 6-7) probably goes on 10-15 dates a month.
You also have to consider the fact that if you’re matching with only the hot dudes on online dating, they’re also getting a lot of matches. Also hot dudes who stay on online dating are generally just there to hook up, if they were there for relationships, they’d probably have already found one. I have good looking guy friends who literally just go on there to hook up without any social repercussions since they don’t have to answer to the friend group etc.
I’d highly suggest looking in other spots, as the best relationships are usually through friend groups.
You sound like you’re going for very attractive dudes with options
“Wahhh, I’m too good for every one of my hundreds and hundreds of matches!! Where have all the ‘good men’ (read: lean, tall and muscular Chads) gone?!”
Maybe you have unrealistic expectations, and if you are being pretty selective, then maybe you are going for the guys who themselves have a lot of different options. So their swipes on you could be marginal things where they are on the fence, and the other girls they are talking to end up being more appealing, and/or your opener just comes off as kind of lame (this is a big issue, with a lot of girls giving guys shit for using simple openers like ‘hey’, ‘whats up’, ‘how are you’ or stuff like that on other apps, but then guys tend to get the same sort of openings from girls on stuff like bumble and can get a little irritated with that, especially if they have a lot of other options)