Dating : Girl told me about her FWB on our first date – WHAT?
Had an amazing first date this weekend. It lasted 5 hours, talked about loads of stuff, had our first kiss, etc. Overall it went great and I’d like to see her again; It was almost all great, BUT… Towards the end, we were sitting down talking and I said:
« I’d love to be able to give good back rubs. » to which she said something to the effect of:
« Just got this new nice smelling lotion for massages. I LOVE backrubs, I’m in a friends-with-benefits situation and he gives amazing backrubs »
My stomach sank. It was completely out of left-field and I didn’t know how to respond. The conversation sort of shuffled onto something else. I suspect because early in the date we were joking about some serious displays of PDA going on around us, which led briefly to a discussion of kink, she maybe felt the tone was relaxed enough to mention it. Regardless, I’m in a weird situation now.
I only ever sleep with one person at a time, whether that’s in a fwb, dating, or a relationship. I only feel comfortable if that’s their view too. Now I’m going to have to broach this subject if we continue seeing each other. My mind jumped to thinking she’s going to ask me to become her second fwb but I’m just guessing, plus that’d be beyond my boundaries. I’d like to see her again but now there’s this hurdle. What would you guys do?
Edit: I know I’m not replying to every comment, but I am reading every single one of them. I really appreciate all the different viewpoints and advice.
Well it all depends if you’re okay with it or not.
It’s good that she was open and up front early on about her FWB. If you are happy being in an open relationship then go ahead.
If you want something exclusive in the future with her then just be honest “you mentioned you have a FWB – is that something you would want to continue in future or are you open to exclusivity with the right person?”
May i just say that at least you found out in the first date. This is a good thing. You can make a decision before you get too involved. The girl needed sex and didn’t have a boyfriend. If it’s something you approve of in general, ask if it’s something she thinks of continuing if you guys start seriously dating. If not, it’s good you found out now.
She’s being transparent and telling you that she’s sleeping with another guy so what you decide to do now is up to you. If I was in your position I’d talk to her about it before continuing. By addressing it now you see what she’s thinking before you get too invested. It was one good date but you seem really into her and want to continue to pursue her. If you’re ok moving forward knowing that she’s still sleeping with another guy then you’re fine. If you’re not then she can choose to pause/stop with him while you explore the relationship. Either way you have the important information you need to make your choice.
I have had FWB in the past and I have had relationships. I have also dated women who have had a FWB in their pasts. These things happen and everyone has a life outside of what you see.
Just because she is dating you when she has a FWB doesn’t mean that she is looking to just fool around. Dating can be very difficult and frustrating, sometimes we need an outlet while we are searching for something better. I’m surprised that she mentioned it on the first date; but it is also possible that it slipped out and she was beating herself up about it later. Who knows what she was thinking.
If you like this girl, despite the FWB situation, then I would tell her what you are looking for. Make sure you let her know that you are looking for an exclusive relationship. She might say that she is too and she will end the FWB situation, or she might tell you that she isn’t after anything serious at the moment. Either way you will have a clear answer on what to do.
Do your best to respect the situation and go from there, a good healthy relationship starts with good communication. It is 100% possible this FWB situation was a “until we find someone” sort of deal. You won’t know unless you ask.
However, if her having a FWB bothers you and you can’t get past it, then move on. You don’t have to be okay with it. Everyone has their own standards and morals. Be true to yours and you will be happier.
This is what dating is for: getting to know someone. Sounds like she’s comfortable with herself and her sexuality and most important, she’s honest. That being said, if you’re not comfortable with her having a FWB, you don’t have to be. This is all part of the getting to know you process. Sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it doesn’t to discover a piece of information that is a deal breaker for you.
Honestly, I would look for the nearest exit if a guy I was dating said this so this would be a deal breaker for me. I’m also 41 so at my age, it’s symptomatic of other issues but if you’re young, not so much. Regardless, if this is a deal breaker for you, let her know. Maybe she has the FWB as a place holder until a real dating prospect surfaced or maybe she’s non-monogamous. There’s no wrong answers on either side, this seems to be an issue of compatibility to me.
Eugh, that must have been shit to hear. I think as others said and talk to her and is this something she will continue or does she do monogamy once on a relationship. If she wants to continue her FWB and you’re not comfortable with it, move on from her.
Or you can ask her if she meant to tell you about an *ongoing* FWB. You may have misunderstood. If she says she meant to tell you then ask her how she thought you’d react. And then her if she is monogamous, or if she is going to keep this current FWB.
This « first date » is the opening act for many more to come. You were playing « patty-cake » and then she plugs you to the liver and says nothing?
MAKE NO MISTAKE about it!!!!!!!! She could be trying to set the tone for your entire relationship. Understand what her intentions would be and clearly indicate what your expectations would be and then it either happens or it doesn’t.
********** She did NOT need to tie in the CONCEPT of a back rub with some other guy that’s she’s fucking. **************
I guess I’m old-fashioned but, once I start sleeping with a woman I am not comfortable with anything other than exclusivity.
But, MAN, you need to understand why it came up out of the blue. There was NO REASON to inject her sex life into a first date unless there was another message. And you need to figure out what that was and what she says and the reality may not be the same. Just keep the conversation going, honest and frank, until you’re satisfied. If she’s uncomfortable with it then she made the mistake of bringing it up too soon (for you, obviously).
Ask her what she’s wanting, A relationship or another FWB. If she says a relationship then discuss when you/and she would expect her to end the FWB.
I kind of got that second hand ‘stomach sank’ feeling from reading this.
This is not right man. You were having a good date with this girl for like five hours, she didn’t mention her intentions and then dropped the news that she got a fwb??!
I don’t think you should see her again. That ‘my stomach sank’ feeling; if I was in your shoes; I’m afraid that it might recur.
Depends on context and situation.
If she has « conditions » on your dating her and at the same time she has no conditions for her FWB while sleeping with him, I would not feel comfortable with that. I’d feel I have to « prove » myself to be intimate with her via time, dinners, drinks while another man just gets to have sex for free.
You know what will sort things out real quick?
Ask.
Be straight up and just say you recall she said that she has a FWB and you’re wondering what she’s looking for in terms of dating (does she want to continue the relationship with her FWB).
Simple.
At least you know. I wouldnt be okay with it.
Meh… why would anyone share this that early on dating?
It’s safe to assume everyone is doing what they want, and hookups or fwb is normal to have, but why tell your date about it? It’s not even the fact of having fwb bothers me, as i said i understand, but what was the prupose of sharing it with your date? To test your reaction? Like, if you are not comfortable with it then bullet is dodged or what?
I think it was a little hurtful and tactless for her to mention that even if you were talking about sex and kinks and what not. It could’ve been an attempt to be honest but personally it would make me feel foolish to know I’m on a date w a girl whose already regularly sleeping w someone. Which I’m not judging her for at all. She can sleep w whoever. But I don’t wanna know about the dude your about to go home and fuck. Like damn that’s mean 🙁
It’s a first date. It’s a little weird that she mentioned it but it sounds like she felt pretty comfortable with you.
It’s not unusual for a woman to be dating multiple people before you have the exclusivity conversation. If that’s a deal breaker for you, that’s your prerogative but there’s nothing wrong with her and you will be limiting your dating pool.
If you want to move forward you need to let her know that sexual exclusivity is important to you and see if she feels the same.
Sounds like you’re more of a monogamous person… it’ll eat away at your soul if you don’t cut her off now.
You’ll see it as cheating, and she’ll see you as another partner. Save yourself the anguish and cut her off.
Sorry that this happened to you dude. Good luck next time 🙂
Personally, I wouldn’t date someone who’s seeing someone else sexually. That leads to many many emotional problems within a relationship. I would jump ship unless she explains that she’s not interested in FWB with other people while she’s dating you.
You should be open early on about how you feel if she’s going to discuss something like that.
Do you want to date someone who’s engaging in activity that you don’t approve of? Go on another date and see how you feel about her. If you’re considering more, then it would be good to open the lines of communication about your stance on a closed vs. open relationship.
Reminds me of a gal from work that I was crushing on. I asked her out and she said yes, then she mentioned how she spent the evening with a guy and they screwed in his car after doing donuts.
A week or so later she said that she wasn’t interested in me at all, and it was like the time she met a famous hockey player and new she’d never be good enough for him. She tried to reassure me by saying she wanted to stay single, then she saw a dude she found attractive and asked me to introduce her to him. I just walked away. She doesn’t understand why I don’t talk to her anymore
#accidentallypoly
Put it this way: she wanted to be honest and tried to drop in casually into the conversation. If you want to be exclusive with her, you just have to ask her whether she’d be willing to be exclusive. Maybe she has that FWB only because she hasn’t found the right guy to date, yet, and you might be the change she is looking for.
SHE BELONGS TO THE STREETS
Woman here. Move on. Depending on age she’s playing the field or as you guessed looking to add to her options because he has others or she wants variety. You don’t know if they’re using condoms either. She doesn’t even have enough tact or maturity to mention it over time and not on a first date.
She’s tacky. You’ll be option #2 as they already have a strong bond with massages. You deserve better. If you were a woman I’d give you the same advice. Be someone’s #1 not their #2 or backup.
She’s not for you she belongs to the streets
It sounds like she was dropping some important info. Next date mention that you really like her and are interested in an exclusive relationship. Would she be open to ending the fwb if you two were to head down that avenue in the future?
I know many people who keep a fwb between relationships. They still want mutually monogamous relationships when they’re dating. But when they’re single they just do that to get by.
Typically with fwb relationships one person tends to get attached almost if not the same as dating
Some comments here are very *double standardy*. There are a lot of people (men AND women) who, when not in a relationship, have this kind of arrangement.
Why not? Why be lonely, especially with ‘Rona isolating us all. I mean nobody bats an eye if a man does it.
She was honest and straightforward. I would prefer to know this on the first date. Personally I would ask right then and there if she is looking for a relationship or something casual. If she says ‘relationship’ then I feel like she should stop seeing the fwb and give this potential relationship a chance. This is a no brainer.
Don’t feel insecure about it. Just talk to her openly and tell her how you see things and what you’re looking for.
Good luck
I mean, if you’re not in a monogamous relationship with her, it’s honestly not your business who she is/isn’t fucking.
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That said, it sounds like you guys need to discuss what you want from each other. If she’s looking for a second FWB and you’re not cool with that, that’s fine. And if she’s interested in starting a relationship with you, it’s totally fine to say you expect that to be monogamous.
Just talk with her and discuss expectations, so neither of you is expecting the other to live up to something unfair or unrealistic.