Dating : He is not chasing me, but allowing me to chase?
What does it mean if a guy is not actively chasing me, but is responding when I am pursuing? Is this a bad sign? I tried a few times to not make an effort (for example not text him first) and he will not text me first. But when I pursue him, initiate the flirting with him, he seems interested and responds/asks me out. But it’s draining because I feel like it’s me who has to get his attention first.
It’s draining? Imagine what dating is like for a guy when women always expect you to chase, lol.
He may just not be chasing because that would be considered « needy » and « unattractive ». Anytime I look up dating advice I consistently see that desperation is a huge turn off for women. But if the guy doesn’t chase then she thinks he’s not interested. He just can’t win.
So what life is like for most dudes. Just ask him out and see where things go.
I have been in that same position a few times, and I would say to use caution. Every time it seemed like the guy only responded if I texted first was because he wasn’t interested, but he liked the attention.
Please don’t get trapped by a guy looking for an ego boost. It is no fun, and makes you feel like you are just something to do when they have nothing better to do. Once they find « better », you will never see them again.
Sorry, my vote is that he isn’t interested.
I have to echo the women who said they have been in this situation and turned out the guy wasn’t that interested because I had the same experience twice before.
With the most recent one, after he asked me out and we had our first date, I’d initiate the contact every time because he wouldn’t despite telling me he wanted to go out with me again. When I initiated, he would be very enthusiastic and we would plan a date again. The date would look like everything is going great but I’d see no initiation from him afterwards. That went on for about four dates only. His mild interest got even milder with time and our fourth date was our last date. I think people with mild interest towards someone are usually willing to go out 1-5 times. Then they cut the contact/downgrade the relationship further etc.
People usually enjoy being chased and since men usually have to do the chasing, I think it is flattering (and perhaps refreshing) for them to be chased by someone. I get it. I also find it flattering when someone I am mildly interested in chases me. The thing is, no one wants to settle for mild interest. I have gone out with guys up to 3 times and allowed them to chase me when I had mild interest towards them because I enjoyed it and I thought things could develop between us. If there wasn’t a good amount of attracting in the first couple of dates, chances are, there is a reason for it and it never will develop. If you ever find yourself in that position, I think the best is to try not to lead people on and try to explain yourself at the end, giving person some sort of closure. On the other hand, when I had very clear/strong interest towards someone, they never had to chase me all that much: it was either about equal effort or I had to do most of the chasing (like the case above but when it wasn’t about equal, it usually didn’t work out).
Coming back to your case, although gender roles are changing and we are reaching an equal ground, most people still follow the traditional gender roles to a certain level. Men know it is usually expected of them to lead stuff and initiate. I’d get if someone didn’t because they weren’t sure how to woman felt. In this case, you are making your interest obvious (which I think is good. who has time to play games or try to appear cool or whatever). If he doesn’t put in effort to do at least half the chasing, I’d say he isn’t that interested and his mild interest will likely fade later given enough time. Keep in mind that we don’t have all the info and details. Based on your experience, if you think there is a reason why he might be behaving this way despite being quite interested, then keep chasing.
Well, that’s the reality for most men. Why don’t you just play it by ear and talk to him how you see fit and not put so much pressure on maintaining somewhat archaic gender standards. So what if you pursue if it leads to the same result?
I look for balance. It’s not bad or good. Ideally both initiate. Just keep trying maybe he will come around.
I’m going through similar and considering moving on… I think after everyone’s feedback here it’s probably the right thing to do
Also it’s strange because I’ve never ever done the chasing- which just goes to show how much I like the guy tho it’s early stages
It sucks when you find someone u genuinely quite like but yh, move on I think (need to take that advice myself atm)
If he’s never messaged you first, then he’s not interested. Simple as.
Use caution! If a man likes you its just natural for him to want to talk to you, especially when he knows that you might be interested and want to talk back. However, if he seems to be fine not talking to you until you reach out…
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It’s kind of like having that friend who never reaches out to see you or invites you anywhere but will say « yes » if you ask them if you can tag along or hang out with them. But they will never ask you or invite you themselves.
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Use caution
Dating is so confusing and I have come across so many conflicting messages…
Men want to chase
Men are tired of chasing and want a woman who initiates
Men want what they can’t have
If you pull back and he initiates he’s interested
He might initiate because he’s stringing you along until he finds someone he wants to date
You’re trying to play it cool, he’s trying to play it cool
If a man wants you you’ll know it
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Starting to feel like it’s impossible that any relationship will ever work out with all of this BS
Imagine being a dude and constantly trying to reach out to only get rejected/ghosted/have someone lose interest in you. And no one respectable wants to be « that guy » that borders on harassment
You showing interest is telling him – hmm, maybe she actually wants to talk to me
Where do you know him from?
In a work or academic environment a man can lose everything if a woman alleges that a woman harassed her.
Years ago the balance was obviously too far the other way.
Cannot tell whether he would be interested but in today’s environment men need to be careful.
I had a similar situation. She just wanted to be friends.
He’s trying to play it cool and not chase you away. If you’re interested, ask him out.
lmao at how all the girls are talking about their experience with men like this and how OP should be careful, but the men are saying to keep chasing/ this is what men have to deal with /he’s interested.
girl, i would pull back and see what happens . Initiating should be 50/50 . if you’re confused an getting mixed signals, it’s usually a sign someone isn’t too interested
It means he’s not that into you, although he enjoys talking to you and would probably sleep with you if you were so inclined. If he’s like me at all in this sense, his openness to your overtures is partly out of honest friendliness and partly because he doesn’t have the dating options he wants and frequently feels desperate/lonely, so he wants to keep his options open. The connection will likely wither whether you actively keep it open or not because the chemistry just isn’t strong enough, so – keep looking, unless you’re looking for something casual and don’t care about having your heart broken.
That’s what my boyfriend did to me and we’re 2yrs in and I’m finally feeling the draining and can’t put any more effort lmao I’m done trying
It means he has lots of options and lets his harem come to him.
So here’s the thing – there’s no way to know. You’ll hear all sorts of advice here, but the best thing you can do is
1. Be direct and upfront (ASK HIM!).
2. Listen your gut and cross-reference with reality.
I’m of the camp that most people are liars. I’m too honest for my own good by default, so my return to dating was pretty heartbreaking at the start. If someone’s talking to you, they’re interested in *something*. The what may not be what you want to hear, but no one does anything without some form of self-interest.
If he’s asking you out, he likes spending time with you. If you enjoy spending time with him and don’t have to corral him to be physically with him, there isn’t that much to worry about.. I don’t initiate much either, but that’s because I’m sick of attention-seeking women so I let them come to me. When they message me, I message back – every time. If I’m not messaging back, I don’t want to talk to you; you’ve done something to upset me/turn me off (like blow me off, treat me rudely, or made me think you’re using me to feel better about yourself). If I’m answering, I’m into you.
P.S., I rarely answer right away unless we’re having a discussion. I basically use text for light convo and asking people out; I don’t chit-chat, but we can talk about our day and stuff like that if it feels appropriate. I’d rather just see you – text takes way too much time and it isn’t that fun.
This is what happening to me right now with a very younger attractive woman. She won’t call or initiate a date. But when I call and ask her out, she’s all over me physically telling me she wants us to be exclusive and loves me. Then after the date she won’t call. I waited up to 5 days to see if she would call me. Once I call, she asks why haven’t I called her and she misses me. I also like tgis woman but I think I’m wasting my time.
I was told by a younger female friend of mine that this is normal dating of today. I’m 18 years older than my attractive female date. I’m old school. You like someone you pursue, not this ghosting bs you see.
« It’s draining » as a men you always have to pursue. But after a time you learn that if there’s nothing coming back in the beginning you just don’t keep pursuing. Only pursue if your efforts pay off
If he’s like me, he’s busy getting shit done, focused on his mission/purpose and women are secondary to that. If you want to spend time with him, it’s your job to reach out and his job to arrange a date when you do.
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In my experience (as a guy), I pursue initially (approaching, getting number, setting first date) but after a week or two, women are usually the ones chasing me.
I have learned the best way to figure this out is to be straight forward.
Ask him what he wants. What are his intentions.
At a certain age, it’s hard to really know what you “want”, so be patient and enjoy the ride of just figuring it out for yourself – but don’t be dragged along by someone who is figuring it out themself.
And remember your self worth and that if he isn’t interested, that’s okay! Not everyone is going to like you – don’t chase someone who doesn’t want you for who you are.
Be unapologetically you.
Because no one else seems to have actually responded to your questions so far : this is a good sign, high probability that he is interested.
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There could be any number of reasons he is not initiating, and if things do work out you can talk about those with him later. You’re right, chasing can be exhausting – especially if it’s one sided. If he keeps responding well, be brave and keep making moves. And when you’re ready, make the decisive move by asking for a date, declaring your interest, or asking him if he’s interested. Hopefully it goes somewhere. Good luck OP!
He’s obviously interested and can’t show it either because he’s worrying about it being wrong/appearing needy and thus unattractive, or because he’s too shy. You should make a step to make it easier for the both of you and contribute to your own luck.
Just ask him to initiate a little bit too. But not too much, because « chasing » is a turnoff.
Honestly, it sounds like things are pretty equal effort. You initiate contact, letting him know it’s ok to ask you out, and he asks you out.
When he asks you out. What do you say? Do you guys make plans to go on a date? If so, how does it go?
If you’ve ever said no, then understand that this particular rejection sucks for him (as it would with anyone) and you may need to put in a little extra effort to walk it back.
I have a question for you. Is it so bad to ask him what his intentions are? Maybe check in with him and see how he is feeling about the whole status of you two. Ask him how the prior dates have been for him and what he is feeling towards you. If he’s not willing to give you a straight answer then hey, you probably dodged a bullet. If he’s into you he will tell you whats up. Just my two cents, but communication even starting out is very important.