Dating : Honesty time: Why do you think you are single even though you don’t wish to be?
I had to have a hard conversation with myself about this very thing the other week, while I don’t doubt that I could lead a happy single life, i’d prefer not to. I like having a partner. So I’m wondering what everyone else has either learned or recently picked up about themselves that prevents/prevented them from finding success in love.
My issue has always been self doubt and unwillingness to put myself out there. I just got out of a year and a half relationship and I’m definitely in better shape now than I was before that relationship.
I am very picky. I know exactly what I want and there is just none of it where I am from.
Now I’m single for 3 months because I’m trying to find a wife not just a girlfriend… In my case it’s hard as f***
I’ve had issues getting so wrapped up in the relationship and in being « good enough » that I lose my personality and become a doormat. There’s not much « chase » when it comes to me I guess since I’m straightforward about my feelings and I love easily. I think that’s why.
I don’t smile in pictures, think I’m better looking than I actually am, am socially inept and have never had the stones to approach a girl I like irl, and my only relationship was with an emotionally abusive and manipulating land whale, so I have trust issues
I just really can’t compete with what’s out there. Compared to other men in my age group, I just have nothing of worth to offer, physically, emotionally, financially, etc.
I’m not capable of dating/relationships and I only know how to be single, so I don’t even try.
I have a problem in general with anxiety that leads me to not be very friendly to people when I first meet them. I don’t mean I’m a dick or anything, I’m just too quiet and kinda boring until I’ve met them a few times, the fun jokey personality that I have that I show with friends and family doesn’t come out right away.
So because of that I don’t give off great first impressions. If I was how I am with my friends when I’m out seeing people for the first time or on a first date, I’m sure I’d be so, so much better off. It’s pretty frustrating.
I don’t smile in pictures. I hate chatting. I am at a point in life where i strive for nothing, like i am completly fine with my job, my everything. When i party i usually end up getting really wasted with my friends. I hang around weird bars, not fancy ones. Barely go to clubs anymore. I have weird hobbies, don’t like to travel, don’t like coffee or any netflix show. I believe that if i don’t have connection with someone right away there is never gonna be much at all.
I think I’m too forward and in turn I think it ruins my chances with someone so I eventually get ghosted and hurt and trust less and less putting a huge guard up that I don’t want to let down and then I do because I like someone and the process restarts. Yay.
The pool just ain’t warm enough for me.
Dealing with my mental health. I’ve had issues since I was a kid and it got worse when I was a teenager and young adult. It’s important that I deal with it and get the right treatment (which has been an ongoing process for years now) before I dig deep into dating, I don’t think anyone wants to date a crazy person lol.
I’m hard time get along with
I’m too defensive about putting myself out in the dating world knowing I don’t have all the physically attractive qualities that many guys like. I hate that I catch myself comparing what I have or don’t have to someone else who is unimportant in my life. I also feel scared to commit to someone not because I want to wait around for someone else but because I’m so comfortable dealing with everything alone that I literally cannot imagine talking through my feelings and resolving conflicts with a partner. I don’t even open up all the way to my closest friends.
I’ve spent all of high school and college battling my own insecurities alone and I honestly learned that I can’t be content with affirming words of affection and actions to match them if I carry so much self-doubt. I don’t want any guy I date to feel mentally and physically exhausted because I drown out his positive feedback with counter-arguments that confirm my own worst social fears. I did this to my first boyfriend and I am still haunted by regret at all the terrible things I said. I realized then that I either needed to get all my crap together or I needed to assign less value to dating until I get my crap together.
​
Thank you for this post OP! This question really helped me confront my true reasons for not pursuing a relationship and I am able to feel more at peace with my own pace of living.
I don’t know for sure but I know that lack of experience and my mindset hold me back a ton
I’m still not too good at conversation, I feel like the beginning of dating is lots of questions which I’m good with and build attraction but going long term idk how to switch from questions all the time to just talking.
I’ve removed myself from all that flully « x and y and z is subjective » bullshit, it was all coping.
​
the reason? its simple:
​
I don’t possess the objective qualities that increase the probability of me attracting a girl that I am attracted to, to the point where it is likely to occur.
​
my only option is to lower my standards to the point where I am not fully satisfied, or improve myself to the point where I have success. so far, I am finding that the qualities that I need are inborn (genetic), or rely on my changing my personality completely (being super outgoing/confident/etc)
I’m too nice towards people and I get nervous talking to people.
I am an pretty open person, but I tend to make a lot of superficial connections. Because of something that happened in the past, I find it hard to trust people I’m dating 100% and to open up about my genuine feelings so I can make an emotional connection in a short period. This goes away with time but I don’t communicate this to potential partners, so they just interpret it as me not being interested enough or the lack of a ‘connection’ being there.
Mostly just not bothering to put myself out there. Plus I have trust issues and that makes it hard for me to be more vulnerable/ open up at the right moments.
Plus I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships (i’ve only had one, 7 years ago) and I worry that I’m going to be ‘bad’ at being a girlfriend as that relationship only lasted just under 6 months.
Girls don’t really dig asian boys.
Oh it’s a lot of things. I’m maybe a 5/10, I’m extremely busy all the time, my interests are very niche (engineering, drone racing, etc), I suck at talking to anyone romantically, and fundamentally I don’t tend to think of myself worth anyone’s time except my own. I love my life and what I do, but I have exactly zero expectations anyone else would. Got turned down so many times from high school until two years out of college, just gave up after a while. Return on investment for hundreds of hours spent = 0. That being said, I’m not shy or afraid, just exhasperated and tired.
Not outgoing enough, and then get too self-conscious when I’m ready to get back out there
I lack confidence, so few people get the real me. As a result, I come off as kind of boring and reserved, as in I like to just observe and keep my thoughts to myself.
Very few friends/friends that live far away and zero luck with dating apps despite getting matches. Have come across single and interested women in person in the last year and a half I’ve been single, but find almost none of them attractive.
My ex on the other hand, I was very attracted to. Before you say I’m comparing; I need the same level of attraction. Or it’s a waste of time. Simple.
Lack of confidence, less than wonderful physique, kinda awkward, and still dealing with my last break up. But I definitely think all of those will get better with time. I’ve been eating better and working out about 5 days a week, I’ve been putting my self out there more, and time heals all wounds. Right now I just need to work on me and given enough time I’ll be in a better place.
I dont find myself attractive in any way so I assume that the same is true of women who I’m interested in. I’ve probably missed some opportunities because of this.
I travel too much.