Dating : How can someone with anxiety be more approachable?
I (28F) have anxiety and it makes it hard for me to date. People have told me I’m attractive, but my anxiety destroys my personality. I can’t even look at a guy I find attractive. If I’m walking around guys I’ll change my pace and walk faster, my heart beats faster…I’m a mess. I workout, eat healthy, have a degree, have a great job. I’m doing well, except this part of my life. I just want to be more relaxed. any advice?
My (from a male perspective) advice is to make one small improvement at a time. For example, from now on, when you see a guy you like, smile every time. Then when you’re a pro at that, smile and wave.
If you don’t make an effort to be more approachable then you will not be approached, as most of us nowadays are unable to approach unless we are given SOME sign no matter how small it is.
Why don’t you try to find an anxious guy. You could help each other with your anxiety, couldn’t possibly judge each other, as that would be hypocritical, and would be able to bond over your similarities. It also would likely be easier to approach someone knowing they are just as terrified about things as you are.
I can get what your feeling with your anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder from 6th grade on up (I’m a 25 dude here). One thing I learned is definitely take baby steps. Consider even putting this post up you made as a baby step closer towards your goal for reaching out and consider this a win towards seeking advice! I still struggle with becoming more approachable myself or approaching people, and do the same thing sometimes hahaha. Usually I end up just getting really quiet sometimes when I’m around someone I like and kinda freeze up. Anyways haha, one thing is to start small, and what I mean by this is if a guy you find attractive is near you, first start off by looking them in the eye and smile, then look away. Once you mastered that and feel confident, do a smile and a small wave. Mastered that? Then move on to a verbal « Hey, How’s it going! ». Over time, with enough practice in social environments, you will feel confident about being approachable! I used to be really bad when I was in high school, and wouldn’t hardly approach a single girl I found attractive, and would do what you’re doing and just kinda escape fast haha. When I started college, I started to do the baby steps thing I said here, and I’m not fully there yet myself, but I try to do a small wave and smile now whenever I pass someone, cute or otherwise! I haven’t tried dating yet as I’m nervous as hell, but I feel like each day I get closer to it! Hang in there, and you got this!!
I’m similar in age and experience the exact same thing. Its horrible. Lately I’ve been forcing myself to talk to this girl at my work. I’ve only had a couple super short conversations but it feels like a win haha.
Aside from going to therapy, forcing yourself to be more social is really the only way I think. I was happiest and most social when I worked a job interacting with the public. Now I work in a warehouse where I never really have to take to anyone and my social anxiety is as bad as its ever been.
Just pretend it’s your grandfather you’re talking to
Hi, just approach a counselor. It’s as simple as any other physical ailment and can be treated with right attitude by a counselor. It’s not a shame. Infact you figuring out so much is just as great. Don’t be hard on yourself. The right thing will follow you soon… Tc
Try to find someone who loves your personality that way you wont have to ever think about how you look bc to them your always perfect. Improve your looks and self image for you alone bc if you do it for other people you will always seek validation (not saying you do). A good personality and heart will make you feel like the most beautiful person alive and the anxiety will fade. I say after 2 dates most anxiety around the person your dating goes away but it kinda depends on your comfort level but for me around 2 dates i start to not be anxious. Just do little things that help reduce anxiety beforehand (meditate, dress nice in clothes your comfortable in, meet on your terms or where your familiar with….) and have fun! The best way to not be anxious is treat it like your just hanging out with a friend and then see where things go. I understand anxiety sucks 🙁 but best of luck!
The biggest tip that’s helped me is to stop seeing every attractive guy you talk to as a potential date you need to impress. Just think about being friends with them. Not a « omg he’s so attractive, I can’t screw this up » mentality. Remind yourself « he’s just a person, talking to a person is normal, who cares if he’s attracted to me or not, let’s make a new friend. » It calms my nerves a lot because it takes the pressure off the social interaction for me. And see where it goes from there
Well what if the guy is not too attractive to make you anxious. Haha. I gotta start dating anxious girls. Jk. The best way to get over some anxious moments is to jump into random practice conversations with random people. When the time comes your body will be a bit desensitized to the situation. It’s not you reacting …its usually your body going on some frantic trip thinking you’re in some type of danger. It sounds counterproductive but absolutely everything can be learned by repetition. It’s also fair to be a bit excited to talk to someone you are attracted to. I mean at least thats what I tell myself. Now having the guts to do it doesn’t mean your mouth will say the right things. Might end up bringing up the nice weather when it’s raining outside but you’ll catch his attention.
Therapy. Go get professional help. You’re not gonna find what you need here.
I am also facing the issue
Theres medication for anxiety.. anxiety is super easy to treat with medication. Anxiety keeps you from living your best life
Try screaming at people out of a moving car to increase your confidence and realize nobody really gives a shit about what your doing so why be anxious
Try yelling carrot top, ronald Reagan or just catharticly screaming etc
Meditation
Hmm.. I wonder if you could find the emotional energy to tell guys up front via message or whatever. Perhaps it’d be more comfortable for both parties knowing it’s your anxiety and not your lack of attraction, because that will pass as you become more comfortable with someone.
Hi. I think if you find someone you do become interested in weather from a dating site or from a friend. Make them aware of your anxiety issue. If they are genuine and human and more to the point just as interested. They will hopefully be open to maybe talk on phone until you become comfortable. Which will help him learn how to relax you and awareness of it more. A lot of people don’t realise trying to hard with people with anxiety can make them worse. Inform him what helps you calm. Maybe just lay there cuddling without a word.
If your anxiety stops you from taking part in mainstream social activities you should see a therapist and seek help. There are ways to cope…and in some cases there is medication that can keep you from become too anxious.
I think that trying to work against your anxiety is going to make it worse. Acknowledge the anxiety, give it some room for a few minutes and take the time to work through it. When it evens out, you’ll be in a much better position.
Haha still trying to figure it out….you may want to post this on r/anxiety or r/anxietyhelp also.
I would say seek out a therapist for yourself. I’ve dated women with anxiety and it didn’t bother me, I was happy to take the extra time to keep them calm but not everyone is as patient as me and you could end up missing out on some great dates because you can’t even get started. Working on yourself means sorting out everything, you got most of it sorted, finish the job and get some help.
I definitely recommend finding a counselor, like I did because of this. You’d be surprised at how manageable this actually is, and I promise you don’t have to suffer from anxiety. 🙂