Dating : How do women today view aggression in their male partners?
Focusing here on biological female/male relationships, but it’s open to all couples of course.
I consider myself (M21) someone who has my behavioral balance pretty honed in. I used to be a very non confrontational person, even if someone was rude to me I would avoid conflict if that meant not sticking up for myself, but the last few years I feel like I have developed a tougher outer shell. I consider a pretty friendly guy, but I admit sometimes I can still be blunt with people. My girlfriend (M23) assures me she likes it when I’m sweet to her and mean everybody else (of course not outside the parameters of being polite), which I try very hard to do.
I have a friend (M24) who is an absolute sweetheart. He’s such a nice guy and all my peers like him, he’s known around work as being the main positive energy. Unfortunately he hasn’t had much luck in the dating department. I ended up dating our mutual friend (my now current girlfriend) and I am trying my best to help him find a partner. My advice has always been to him, “friend, you’re really kind and sweet. That’s great. Keep it up. But women like a little bit of an edge. Be rough on the exterior and soft and gooey on the interior, be a little more sharp.”
I am not sure if I have him good advice. My question, is women who are interested in men, how do you feel about male aggression? Do you like it only in certain scenarios? If so, what kind? If not, why? Do you prefer if your partner was more of a lover than a fighter? Or vice versa? How much of an edge do you like, if at all? Would you rather he deliberately choose to be aggressive or it be automatic, if so?
I am defining male aggression not as toxic masculinity, but as a male’s ability to get aggressive If stimulated whether he does so consciously or it being a natural response.
People shouldn’t be aggressive, they should be assertive and firm.
She’s not wrong actually. She just isn’t very specific. Hence leading to misunderstandings like yours cause I don’t think she suggested for him to be violent or aggressive, provoked or not.
Being friendly and generous and kind alone won’t attract women sexually. It will only attract friends. Your friend can stay that way but at the same time needs that edge she spoke of. That edge and a loving and kind personality trait at the same time do the magic in attracting women.
« The edge » means simple things like these: Not being afraid to disagree or offend, having his own life he prioritizes leading to him being unavailable sometimes, being assertive, teasing women when flirting with them, not wearing his heart on his sleeve too much and so on. Basically, some minor « bad boy » traits and behaviors combined with the « loving guy » traits he already has.
The advice is good. I’m surprised she said what she said. In my experience female advice would have told him to « stay the perfect way he is, stop looking and the right one will come ».
Being agressive isn’t the same as being assertive and showing Personal Leadership.
With regards to your friend, if her believes he’s somehow inferior, submissive, or some kind of second class citizen, then other people are very likely to treat him they way he expects, women especially. That’s called an « outcome expectation. » It is utterly impossible to get the opposite sex to respect and value you, when you are constantly disrespecting, disregarding, and devaluing yourself. You must treat yourself with kindness and respect.
Also, you can tell him, you don’t need to be an asshole to be successful in dating, but don’t be *boring.* And don’t act like a scared 12 year old child.
Say whatever else you want about players and douchebags, they’re not boring. They also don’t act like they’re afraid of women’s disapproval.
You should have aggression in your personality but know when it is appropriate and not appropriate to use it. Walk softly and carry a big stick
You are mistaking aggression for being assertive. Being aggressive is usually bad, except in certain circumstances when it’s necessary. But a person should have the self confidence to be assertive so they aren’t taken advantage of or treated like a doormat. I wouldn’t date a guy who is a doormat because I would realize I would be the one fighting all our battles in life. Going up against his family, my family, abusive bosses, etc, I would have no one in my corner backing me up. No one wants that kind of arrangement.
So no, your friend should not be aggressive. For the most part aggression is a turn off. He should be confidant and assertive though.
As a woman, when men are aggressive with me, I block and do not talk. “Aggressive” to me means forcibly trying to get a second date, and getting mad at me when I haven’t responded, even if I’m working and it has been less than 24 hours.
You’re conflating male aggression to confidence, straightforwardness, laidback.
The problem isn’t that he’s nice or sweet. Heck, it’s nearly impossible to tell what the problem is unless we’ve heard about his individual dating experiences and the perspective of dates themselves.
Maybe your friend is non-confrontational, passive in dating, shy/timid towards expressing his desires, avoids any kind of expression of ones emotions, etc. I don’t know the guy, so I can’t say. I’m willing to bet it’s one of those things I’ve mentioned.
I like dating sweet people who can stand up for themselves and others when the time comes. some examples to illustrate:
I went out with a guy named Kevin before Covid. We ended up having an amazing time, started at the farmers market and brunch, ended the night drunkenly waiting for pizza before going home. Homeless man comes up to me while we’re waiting and asks if I have change. I say no, sorry, homeless guy goes « come on I saw you pay with cash, spare a couple bucks ». Kevin turns to the homeless guy and before anyone can say anything DRAGS him out of the pizza place by his shirt. Once they’re outside he throws this guy down and starts screaming at him « she said she doesn’t have change you calling my girl a liar?! » The homeless guy was curled up on a fetal position on the ground and it looked like Kevin was about to start kicking him. A few guys ran over from the club across the street to restrain Kevin and I ended up flagging down a taxi and going home. It was extremely traumatic.
The next date I went on after a break from dating was with Tyler. We went to a place for a couple drinks and ended up having a bit too much but the night was super fun. All of a sudden I sort of feel him tense up beside me and I stop talking to see what he’s reacting to. There’s a girl a couple tables down from us who is visibly squirming away from a guy sitting next to her. Tyler goes « excuse me, did you go to high school at x? I feel like I remember you. I’m Tyler ». She turns to Tyler and goes « Oh, I didn’t actually grow up in this city but I feel like I have one of those faces ». I laugh and say that happens to me all the time too. Tyler asks her « are you okay? do you know this guy? » and the girl kind of laughs awkwardly and says « no, I’m waiting for a friend, I don’t really know this guy. » We immediately ask her if she wants to sit with us and she runs over. The whole time we sat with her, the guy who was making her uncomfortable glared at us, but didn’t say a word. Eventually after about 15 mins he left.
The date with Tyler felt so amazing because he managed to help this girl without confrontation. It wasn’t aggressive but it was firm. Idk. It’s hard to explain but there’s ways of going about life where you can show your confidence and that you care about women without having to be a psycho who kicks homeless people, you know?
Edited to change names
People shouldn’t be aggressive, I see my boyfriend as a huge softie and silly but I know I do things his work colleague or friends would never dare to do to him.
So for my preference I like having a good softie and a lover as my partner. I learned first after that my boyfriend have an edge and ready to stand up for what’s right and help people.