Dating : How to not set up any expectations?
So, I’m 21, been on the dating scene for couple of years already but have had no luck by now. I’ve tried various different approaches, always adhering to the social norms and not behaving out of place, yet, to no success whatsoever.
However, today I have a different kind of question, as it seems there is no general advice on the above part. What I would like to ask you all, is how do you manage, when beginning to communicate with someone you have romantic interest in, to not create any expectations, so that in the end, when things don’t work out, you don’t get sad/depressed and let it affect you.
It’s simply not inherent for me to put effort into something (be it a project, hobby, or in this case dating) and not expect results. This last girl I was talking to seemed really nice at first glance, however, it turned out she’s still a bit confused with life and I didn’t fit her perfect friend/partner model.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely fine with this, everyone is entitled to a choice and preference. The problem is that I had convinced myself that, after so many failed attempts, even if things don’t work out, it’s simply how it was meant to be and I shouldn’t stress over it.
I was sure I wouldn’t let it get to me (this time) and I will just carry on with my job, hobbies and daily life. Well, this didn’t really happen and when the picture became clear to me (that things aren’t going to work out) I could almost feel my heart become heavier and my mood, from rather cheerful or at least definitely above neutral, definitely plummeted and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything I found enjoyable for the rest of the day.
It’s just that each and every fail is taking toll on me and I’m not sure how long I can keep this up. I’m a man so society has some expectations already set for me, I have a really disfunctional family, can’t communicate with my friends of recently and I don’t see anybody to turn to for help.
Therfore, I ask you, kind strangers on the Internet, to share a piece of mind with someone that has yet a lot more to learn about life.
Most of the time, when we create expectations, what we’re doing is idealizing the other person. We project all the things we want onto them.
I’ve heard that a great way to stop doing this is to write a list of things you want in a partner and a relationship. When you meet someone, refer to that list and see how many of those items actually fit the person. If you’ve only been on a couple of dates, chances are you won’t be crossing off too many things. This helps keep your head in a more realistic place.
Also, I am sorry to hear you don’t have anyone you can talk to. Have you thought about counseling or therapy? There could be people offering sliding scale services if you don’t have enough money (I assume so because you are 21).
I wish I had answers. People say not to have expectations but of course you have hopes of finding whatever you are looking for. For me it does wear me down with every poor experience and unfortunately right now the poor experiences are outweighing the good ones by a large margin (F here). I have just started a break from OLD.
Asking strangers on the internet to be kind is…well good luck.
You sound like you’re looking for somebody else way too hard. Get happy with yourself first, then open yourself up to somebody.
You’re opening yourself to be vulnerable to a toxic situation if you’re looking for somebody to complete yourself.
Go do you, you’ll find them or you won’t. You’ll either find your soul mate and be happy or you’ll be happy.
There’s no certainty in dating and relationships. All you can control is how you show up.
The right people will choose you back. You can’t make them.
I’ve dated nearly 200 different women. Some were first dates that I really liked. And they just weren’t into me.
And some of them really liked me, but I just wasn’t into them enough to pursue anything past a first date.
People like what they like. Attraction is not a choice. You need to let go of any expectations of what could, should, or would happen on that date.
Just show up and have fun. If it’s gonna turn into something more, it’s gonna turn into something more. If it’s not, it’s not.
It really is that simple.
It took a long time for me to get this concept. But with time and experience, that’s been my dating life.
I show up. I’m relaxed and confident. I make sure she feels safe and comfortable. I make her laugh. We have a good time together. I can’t control if she’s gonna feel a spark or tingle, but if she does, and I want to add to that spark or tingle, I know exactly what to do and exactly how to do it.
When you let go of expectations in life, and make deliberate steps towards what you want your life to become, you may be surprised by how the universe will bring you people and situations that align with your thoughts and beliefs.
“You become what you think about.”
Hope for the best bur plan for the worst, you will never be wrong.
Keep trying good people are out there