Dating : How will past mental health/addiction/self-harm problems affect my dating experience, and what is the best way to broach these subjects?
Hi everyone, I’m (27M) finally at a point in my life where I feel I’m ready to start dating, but there’s a few things holding me back. Firstly, my mental health historically hasn’t been very good and I have a bit of a problem connecting with people intimately following an event I don’t really like talking about. Also I have extensive and very visible self-harm scars over a lot of my arms, legs, chest and stomach – it’s possible to hide with a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans, but they’re gonna see it eventually. I am a recovering alcoholic, so drinking and meeting people in bars/clubs is kinda off the table for me.
I realise this probably doesn’t sound like a great foundation to start on, but I don’t really have a lot of choice. I’m wondering how these factors will affect my dating prospects: does it make me less attractive to a partner? Would anyone flat-out not consider dating me due to this? Has anyone else got experience dating with these problems? And how/when should I approach explaining these things to a potential partner?
Thanks for your help!
I hate to say this but you’re asking for honesty.
Yes, it is absolutely going to affect your prospects. Many people will not want to date you.
but those people will also not understand you and it wouldn’t be a good match anyway
In the psychology of finding a partner yes this could be a problem since people usually look for “better than myself” qualities in a partner. They might worry that they couldn’t take care of you if you go back into a dark place. And personally my ex’s depression and small addiction(to weed in that he choice to buy weed instead of food or my birthday gifts) and I had to financially help, is a HUGE reason why we broke up. Having enough self confidence and self sufficiency is so important! And a lot of people will be wary of that when the words “depression and addiction” get mentioned. I am depressed too but I don’t mention it at all when dating until I trust the person enough or I have a spout again, then keep it casual. “I just get depressed sometimes.” If they ask. They people who will understand are the people you want to date at the end of the day.
I relate to almost every single thing in that first paragraph, except it’s just one big nasty scar on my wrist, and I was never an alcoholic, but I am an ex drug addict.
I started dating someone lately and I haven’t said shit about any of that. Honestly I kind of lied about my late teens/early 20’s and told her that I finished school and jumped into a boring job like everyone else and nothing crazy or significant ever happened. She hasn’t asked about my scar yet. Not sure what I’ll say if she does ask in all honesty.
> does it make me less attractive to a partner? Would anyone flat-out not consider dating me due to this?
Reality is the second people see your self harm scars thats going to turn a lot of them off. Dating is not going to be easy with your past.
I have extensive self harm scars and began doing the whole tinder thing last September and have had two experiences with guys who then saw my scars. Neither said anything about them/asked about my past. I guess it’s like any ‘baggage’ someone has, some people will be put off and others will be able to look past it, but don’t let it stop you from putting yourself out there!
As for when to subject- I personally feel that it’s not a conversation I want to have with someone up front, unless it specifically comes up in conversation, in which case I will drop hints without going into specifics. I’m taking the attitude that people don’t need to know unless the dates are going somewhere/things are getting more serious, and I guess at that stage conversations will start getting deeper/you’ll start to know each other more intimately, so it could naturally come up I guess?
Good luck!
It could be an issue for some. I wouldnt say it makes you less attractive necessarily, but it could be a cause for concern to some people as you could be perceived as being unstable or having poor mental health, which at least at one time wouldnt have been an inaccurate assumption. I personally dont talk about mine unless a connection and trust has been established first. There is no reason for someone to know first date, even second or third. I actually tried to hide my scars from my last boyfriend for a while at first. I hadn’t talked to him about it for fear of freaking him out. To be honest, most of my scars are recent unfortunately. I had a traumatic event last year before I met my ex, and that pushed me to self harm again (last time I ever did it was my early 20s. I’m 28 now). My ex was understanding and asked questions but didn’t really pry. He just asked me not to do it anymore (to which I did not keep that promise sadly). It isnt like a thing people tend to be turned on by, but it doesn’t make you « ugly » per say. Does that make sense? While others might be understanding, and others may not care or say anything about it. It just varies a lot. Mental health is pretty stigmatized already, so it can be a tricky subject to approach with someone you’re interested in so just wait until you feel you trust them or have developed a bond.