Dating : Hurting: I left a guy I really liked because he would not commit
I am extremely hurt: I decided to leave the guy who was I was having a 7 month casual thing. It was all really great, we liked each other a lot, but he would not commit.
He was recently divorced and did not want a relationship. Isnt it ironic though that we managed to get into a « relationship » without labels. We talked everyday, shared everything, saw each other once or twice a week, traveled together and we also told each other we made each other really happy. He would consistently do a lot of traveling without me, and I guess saw other people as well. I didnt, I was too involved to see anyone else and I thought I could handle casual just with him. One week before, I said I would like to try something more serious one day but he had no answer.
This was the greatest relationship I have ever had, but while I was with him, I was constantly anxious because I thought that if I expressed my needs he would leave (he said he did not want pressure of any kind). The thing is, 6 months later I flipped, because not knowing what would happen the next day with us made me crazy (was he out with someone? was he going to find another casual gf? when would he invite me over? etc). Having no real commitment drove me nuts, so one day after talking to a friend I did a blitzkrieg attack (ended everything out of the blue). He is not good with emotions, so he basically just said he understood my position. Now I am sad that I might have hurt his feelings by saying I couldnt handle it anymore completely out of the blue. I want a long term relationship and having someone who was great (trust me it was the healthiest relationship) but could not give me the slightlest bit of reassurance that he was commited to me was killing me.
Now I am here, trying to let go of the hope that he will come back.
Just wanted to hear your stories and see if I did the right thing, even though I really like him.
In this case, it isn’t the greatest relationship because it’s not satisfying your needs. You need security and commitment. That’s pretty basic stuff. One person getting what they want while the other just capitulates to make it work is just not healthy. You’ll be okay though. There is someone who will give you what you need.
I had a similar situation and get how you felt. I decidet to tell her that I wanna know if she wanted to commit or not and she couldnt (told her I wanted to know at our next meeting so she had time to think about how she felt). So I moved on.
It hurt – for sure. But in the end i think it was the right decision cause I feel I deserve to know what I am for you and how our relationship is defined. If you cant do this I feel like you do not care about how I feel and this is a red flag for me. At some point I have to not get my selfworth getting kicked.
This was the greatest relationship you ever had …but when you were with him, you were constantly anxious? Are you sure it was that great? Trust your gut when someone makes your nervous system react around them.
Sorry to say, but the only time you are in a relationship is if you actually talk about it and define it as such. He was just stringing you along because he was having the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one. It’s the classic « have your cake and eat it too » scenario. He told you from the beginning he didn’t want a relationship. In fact, he probably was doing the same thing a few others at the same time. Next time, express how you feel and your needs and own it. If he’s not on the same page as you, you walk away and don’t look back.
I’ve been there. I dated a guy for 6 months who i was head over heels for – I convinced myself I was fine with us “seeing each other” with no label, he too was recently out of a long term relationship.
It ended when I started expecting more of him, and he couldn’t give me the kind of security I wanted. He started becoming less interested and more flakey until eventually it just fizzled out. Guess what he did within a couple of months? Get into a committed relationship, label and all. They’re now engaged with a baby. Guess what else he did? Try and sleep with me while his partner was pregnant.
My current bf? Brought up being exclusive after 2 incredible dates, made it official not long after.
The moral of this story, is that a man who wants to commit to you.. will. You won’t change someone’s mind who isn’t sure. You did the right thing in ende ing things knowing you weren’t on the same page – don’t feel bad, just move on and find someone more compatible ❤️
I was in a situation like this. Until I finally said “either you commit or I go.” He was frustrated at me. But then I realized that even though I did choose to stay, he also chose to continue to hurt me knowing that he was. He basically dismissed my feelings to suit the situation he desired.
I took some time, healed, met someone else and he committed after one month. I didn’t have to wait. I didn’t have to wonder. I didn’t worry. It’s just been so easy.
As someone who was where you are now, when you find what I have, you’ll be SO glad you left this guy and made room for something that better suits your needs. It’s out there. I promise.
You did the right thing. He probably does want a relationship, which is why he spent so much time and energy with you. He just doesn’t want one with you for one reason or another. It’s not a reflection of your worth, but had you continued, you would have valued yourself much less over time and worn yourself down to the point where dating someone else would be impossible. I speak from experience. It will hurt, but you’ll look back and be glad that you let him go. He will either move on or eventually come back, which by then you probably won’t even accept him.
Next time have better boundaries. Maybe save the travels for your committed boyfriend.
Listen. I was dating a guy exactly like this, we hungout all the time, met eatchothers families etc. Except he would not commit. I would see dating app messages on his phone and think wow what am I doing wrong, why won’t he commit to me. Well I did the same thing and ended it one day because I couldn’t take it anymore. It made me realize I deserve way better than that.
Now I have a bf who wants to spend all his time with me and tells me he loves me everyday.
I know it sucks now but you did the right thing. I mean no offense but he doesn’t seem to care that it’s over. Staying with him would have been a waste. You’ll find someone wayyyy better 🙂
Technically you didn’t leave him, he didn’t want to be yours or just with you.
Walk away with dignity.
You deserve someone who will commit. I think you did the right thing if that’s your goal.
Don’t ever feel bad for communicating your needs and taking yourself out of the situation when they’re not going to be met. You had a valid need for more than what was there. Ask yourself, what did he do for you? What did he contribute emotionally? In most cases like this, you’re doing a lot of the heavy lifting in what is basically a relationship while he’s just reaping the benefits of what You are offering.
This is actually my preferred method of dating. Some guys just don’t want attachments. It’s normal, and just the way it rolls sometimes.
So let me get this straight. You had a relationship that you really enjoyed. But, because he would not voice that he was committed to you even though you two spent a lot of time together, you ended it and now have nothing together. So the very thing you were afraid of in the first place you decided to make it happen. Well at least you don’t have to worry about losing him now, because you did.
I had a relationship like this basically the same thing happened except when she asked me to commit and I said no she punched me in the face ahh good times. Anyways he’s not coming back or atleast if he has any brain cells he’s not coming back usually guys that are into casual relationships can’t stand shit like this so yea.
Did you do the right thing? If what you did wasn’t the right thing then what would be? Continuing to live with your anxiety and suppressed needs? Does that sound like the right thing? I know it wasn’t easy to let him go but sometimes we have to choose between what is right, and what is easy. That quote is from Albus Dumbledore. But anyway you’ll find what you need somewhere else or maybe in time he’ll decide he’s ready to commit again after dealing with the emotional issues caused by his divorce.
Hmmm another post of commitment issues, let’s just say that he’s not the right fit for you at the tue moment or you’re getting too ahead of yourself.
If 7 months is to much for him, he’ll need more time to decide. Unless he’s a “commitment” type of person, you should seek other partners who may want such a thing. Good luck
You did. It’s hard, but you have to do what will ultimately make you happy.i have recently changed the way I think and now I feel that I have to live for myself, and hopefully the right person comes along the way. But I think it is important to learn to be happy first, then find love.
Op I feel for you but remember you went into this relationship with no commitments as did he, you wanted to change the relationship and he didn’t for his own reasons. Let’s be honest 1.5 years out of a bad divorce and a bad married with cheating will harm a person.
Just because you had more feelings than he did doesn’t make you or him wrong, your at different points personally. He may realise he cares for you more than he thought but please don’t count on it.
On wards and up wards, you have found trates you want so look for those in future partners and be honest from the outset about what you are looking for. Best of luck
A friend have me a different perspective. Dating a guy who’s recently divorced too, acting very much like in a relationship.
That is the only way he knows how to act, because that’s probably how he acted with his ex. He also probably misses the intimacy. But he was honest from the start – and when you caught feelings, you should’ve left. FWB works until one catches feelings.
I put those actions aside after talking to her because it means nothing. There’s some slip ups that I question, but for the most part I’ve been able to have my fun in this fake relationship while seeing other guys. But I’ve been learning what a relationship *should* look like with him and I’ve been super picky now. I told him I’d let him know if I start having feelings for him, and vice versa. We’ve been friends for a long time and we’ve always been attracted to each other. I’d like something more, but he needs to be single for a while before he can fully commit.
Sounds like he was in a commitment and had you as the side chick…
I don’t understand why you wanted commitment from a casual relationship?
Without trying to gauge how he felt about you, you put him on the spot and demanded an outcome.
It was unfortunately not the one you wanted. You moved the goal posts without giving any opportunity to think.
The man has just come out of a marriage. His emotions are going to be all over the place and trying to glue his life back together and you have a major jealous rant at him.
He probably travelled alone to think, that. is the kind of thing people do when they need to have clarity.
He won’t be phoning you nor coming back.
You don’t say how old you are
You need to work on your emotional intelligence
As a recently divorced man, I just know I cannot offer anything longterm to anyone right now. There’s still pain and working on myself; that doesn’t mean I don’t desire companionship or can’t enjoy sex. Right now, it wouldn’t be fair to bring that shit into a new relationship.
I tell anyone I date this upfront and they can make their own choice. If it’s not for them, that’s all good, I understand.
This guy did that. Was honest about it being casual. Still dealing with his shit. Doesn’t mean he’s toxic or avoidant.
Men get hurt too. You both need/want something different, right now. And that’s ok.