Dating : I (25F) was dating a guy (25M) for the past four months and he broke up with me saying I keep tabs on him on pubg and other social media (which wasn’t always the case) and treats him like a patient. What can I do to not repeat the same mistakes again in the future?
I don’t know where to start. He’s a software engineer (has never been in a relationship before) and I (have had one relationship that lasted 2 and a half years) finished my masters in psychology last year and haven’t been able to prepare for PhD due to focus and stress issues and started playing pubg where we both started talking. I became a pubg addict because I didn’t want to study at that time to get enrolled in a PhD program. But now I really want to and have started studying. We live in different cities and it’s not possible to meet often. We’ve just met 3 times but we’ve constantly been in touch virtually. About two months ago, he said he needs space and that he wants to break up.
Said he resented me from asking him to play less pubg, told me he doesn’t like the way I think. Also that the relationship feels as though he’s the patient and I’m the doctor. On multiple occasions he said that I was rushing into the relationship. I suggested that maybe both of us have issues that we need to deal with and that we should try growing together but he said that he doesn’t want to grow together with me.
Quoting his texts here –
« Yes you are affecting it (work) I don’t want to grow together with you because you have to first grow individually. Long distance relationship right now is too tough for me who has never had any relationships before. I don’t know how much is enough. How much text is okay how much is not. What I want to say is you are putting more effort in this relationship than I am. This is what I feel, I don’t give you importance. And I am not happy about it, I can try but I know it can happen but giving you importance is taking a lot of my time »
« Yes I have problems I am not as understanding as you but I just wanted to say I am not willing to change, if it has to happen it happen without me knowing. Thats why when you say you will behave differently I don’t like it because that should be an involuntary thing and not something you have to put effort on. »
He broke up with me saying –
I cannot live with anyone I think.
I’m not thinking about living with anyone.
I’ve realized I like a videogame more than a person.
I think I’ll never be able to be serious with anyone.
I cannot see us going anywhere.
Said he doesn’t ever want a partner. Will only get married if his mother says she will commit suicide if he doesn’t get married.
*What can I do to not repeat the same mistakes again? I really don’t want to obsess about my future partner all the time and don’t want to treat him like a patient. What can I do? I’m very hurt and heartbroken, I really loved him and wanted the best for him.*
*I’d love to receive advices to change myself for the better so as to have a satisfying long lasting relationship.*
Will be grateful for helpful advices. Thanks in Advance.
Tl;dr version – I use to treat my ex like a patient always asking him to not play too much pubg as he use to play constantly for more than 3 hours. What can I do to not obsess over my future partner?
Based on this, run as fast as you can
It’s hard to say for sure seeing as we’re only hearing your side, but from his messages it really seems like the issue here was him, not you. He doesn’t sound like he’s willing or capable to be in a relationship. He definitely lacks emotional intelligence. I would try to put this behind you, not dwell on it too much, I know that’s hard. Just approach your next relationship as a fresh start, being honest and open. Don’t project the problems from this one onto the next one, you might not have done anything wrong, and even the things you did do « wrong » for this guy, might be « right » for the next one. Everyone is different. Try not to be discouraged!
Have your own hobbies
You’re fine. Keep doing you. He’s never been in a relationship and long distance relationships are even harder.
Well it’s only one side of the story, but – in the end he wasn’t willing to change for a relationship (as in make ends meet), on something you found very important towards a relationship. I think the only advice is confirming that you highly prioritize that point that may concern others.
I, myself, when I used to play video games 3 hours would not be terribly long. With that said, I played longer than was healthy.
Yes you’re completely right, that is what an addiction does. Maybe someday someone (or himself) can help him, but for now he isn’t ready for a relationship, and wasn’t ready. For that reason I think you made the right move.
The only thing I would add is that an addiction requires somewhat special treatment, control and discipline. It’s not as easy as « just stop » or « play less », but you probably already know having been through it.