Dating : I feel like I’ll never be someone’s first choice. I’m always a girl’s 2nd or 3rd choice.
So I’m 20 and I’m trying to date. I’m not really interested in casual stuff, I want to be with someone and be committed.
My problem is, I never am I girls first choice.
First I never really have a lot of options. I’ll see a girl for a month or two and then if that doesn’t work out I can’t get a first date for another few months. All the girls I’m seeing are always seeing multiple guys, which I’ve just accepted that that’s how dating is but it’s still a lot of pressure knowing she has options and I’m expendable to her while she will likely be the only girl I talk to until the next season.
Of the women I’ve talked to none of them have wanted to be serious with me while they’re seeing other men. But all of them want to keep taking to me if the guy they’re they decide to be serious with isn’t working out.
Like so many times have I gotten a text that we shouldn’t see each other, or I get ghosted then on social media they’re always with some other guy, then when that flops, she hits my line asking for me to hang out. It’s really demoralizing. I’m always the back up. Always the guy that’s there if the guy that she doesn’t actually want doesn’t work out.
Then I have to contemplate whether it’s worth it to start dating her again knowing I’m only talking to her because they guy she wanted didn’t want her. I like to tell myself that I have more dignity than that, but if I’m being honest I don’t think I do. I usually end up seeing them for a once or twice more and letting it fizzle.
I just want someone to view me as a prize, like they actually want me or view me as more than the understudy. It makes me not want to date every time it happens but I know I’m a hopeless romantic and want to find love.
Oh well, if this is what datings like I guess I’ll have to get used to it.
So first thing I’d say, you are young. You have to deal with a lot of stuff I never did when I was your age with the whole social media aspect. You’re gonna have to navigate these murky waters somewhat.
My main advice to you is to try harder to have that dignity. Don’t hang around being someone’s second or third option. If the relationship is all you trying to impress her and competing with other guys it sounds pretty toxic to me. It might be hard but focus on yourself more and work to find that girl who is only interested in you.
Put yourself out there mate and just don’t get demoralised if you don’t get anywhere fast. It’s a long game.
Everyone’s the 2nd or 3rd choice of a lot of people, don’t bother much. Be ready for when you encounter the one that puts you 1st.
I’m always an option also. I guess the difference is that I accept that. I’m also twice your age, and have been toyed with much more. I’m more willing to accept that this is just how the game’s played. Even if someone commits to me, there are always other guys lingering around her. If she likes one of them a lot, suddenly I’m an option again.
You mentioned being a prize. The guy’s never the prize. EVER. I’m sorry; that sounds harsh, but it’s true. You could be the most decent person on the planet, and she could be from the wrong side of the tracks – and she’ll still be the prize. I accept that.
Yeah, definitely don’t let them come back to you if they were with you, went to another guy, and then comes back when he dumps her. Nah, that’s not a good strategy. Don’t be there for them. They obviously weren’t thinking about you when they were banging that other dude.
I know this will sound cliche but focus 100% on you and your life first. But not so you can « get a girl. » You focus on yourself so you’ll be 100% grounded in your self worth and build your self confidence to a point that you won’t allow women to play with you like that. If they want another dude you’ll be like « cool, peace out. » You will eventually refuse to accept that type of behavior from women.
But you’re off to a good start. You know what you want. That’s good news. But know that if you want a committed relationship you are going to have to do quite a bit of work to get one. Meaning you’ll likely have to date many women until you find one that isn’t going to do the crap that you’re talking about.
With me, that shit doesn’t play. You’re either with me or you’re not. I’m not any girls « friend. » If we’re going to date then we’re dating. If not, I have no time for you period. I ain’t waiting on the back burner for anyone.
Yeah I’m a girl and always had the same problem too I hate not being put first
gotta find someone your level cuh
If you’re « the back up » and manage to get laid once in a while then you’re doing better than most guys your age!
Hey… I can be your friend
If you want to be seen as the prize, you should start thinking of yourself as being the prize 🙂
With this being said, I would suggest you to see and picture exactly what you want. If someone is not it when it comes to the values that you want, then just walk away. There’s honestly no point in feeling miserable and that you are not worthy of more.
Hang in there and have some hope and… patience 🙂
The first thing Id say is that you should probably try meeting different girls. Girls that constantly date multiple guys at the same time are not good long term material, trust me. It sounds like you are somewhat new to dating still so try to just meet more girls in a casual friendship way first. Dont go after who is down for sex, see who you actually have a connection with.
As a guy the biggest challenge is always meeting women, so you need to get good at interacting with as many single women as possible so you eventually find someone that you click with. Also.. take it easy, you are only 20. For most guys thats not our peak time and you will usually naturally get more attractive over the next few years. So stay patient, practice your social skills and get active with sport or the gym.