Dating : I got a final text and wasn’t ghosted for once…there is still hope for humanity!
So I met a girl from OkCupid this week, and we had pretty much everything in common. Around the same age, both work in the field of technology, both own our own homes, don’t have any kids, want marriage and kids, are in good shape, attractive, have similar interests (painting, exploring, traveling, food, movies, etc.) live about 15 minutes from each other and had an awesome first date.
At the end of the date she said that she wants to see how we get along after spending more time with me because she isn’t exactly sure what she wants. But when we first talked, she said she wanted to get married and have kids with the right man. Guess I wasn’t the right man, because the text she sent me was the following:
>I have been thinking about us. I do like what you are offering. However, I am struggling to find the chemistry between us, so it might be a rocky sailing, in which we don’t need. I hope that you understand. You sound like an interesting person. I hope that we can remain friends.
I politely responded to her with how I felt of which she then wished me luck, and I to her. Sadly it was another loss, but at least I got somewhat of a reason why she doesn’t want to pursue me…lack of chemistry.
I am not going to remain friends with her, and also, the « chemistry » I felt and saw on our date was pretty great. So that’s strange to me. I guess people fake feelings and chemistry on dates, at least that’s my impression of what took place.
But hey at least I wasn’t ghosted, she had the courtesy to text me and offer some closure, so there is still hope for some people out there!
Been there. Some people are just too nice when we are with them on a date. That doesn’t always mean they are into us. It might seem so from having similar goals, interests or likes/dislikes, them laughing on our jokes, having a super long conversation. But attraction is much more than that. I started to pay more attention to people, their personalities and few details. Listening carefully and paying more attention to what she said (no pun), instead of starting to formulate the response in my head based on first few sentences has helped me.
> At the end of the date she said that she wants to see how we get along after spending more time with me because she isn’t exactly sure what she wants.
100% for sure, you came on too strong, talked about your future together or appeared desperate and and needy which was too much, too soon, and scared her off.
> the « chemistry » **I felt and saw** on our date was pretty great.
You were projecting your attraction on to her. Just about every guy on earth is guilty of this. I’ve been guilty of this myself.
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Hope this helps.
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p.s. Nice of her to tell you, rather than ghost you.
I don’t know how old you are, so maybe values are different if you’re older, but talking about marriage to me, before a first date, even if it’s not about us getting married but simply the subject of me being married one day or her being married one day, is a major turn off. If I’m going on a date, I’m literally just tryna have a fun afternoon. Not plan my future out with a random person.
I don’t know why she doesn’t just come right out and say that the problem is that she doesn’t find you attractive. In other words, if you were better looking she’d already be planning the wedding. « Chemistry. » Why use these barely veiled code words? Like when a woman says she wants a guy who is « ambitious. » Women don’t care if you’re ambitious, this is a barely veiled code word for « has money. »
Hypergamy at work…
This is nice