Dating : I got stood up, ghosted and now he’s contacted me. What do I do?
So this is gonna be a wordy post no doubt, I’ll include a TLDR at the end.
About 4-6 weeks ago I matched with a guy on Tinder and right off the bat there was chemistry. We chatted for a week and then organised to meet up for coffee, the day before he cancelled because his aunt was super sick and he had to go back home to see her. We texted back and forth a little for a few days and then rearranged for coffee a few days later.
We met up, spent around two and a half hours just chatting and getting to know each other. Got good vibes, no big red flags that I could see. We then continued texting after, I tried to arrange a second date but suddenly he got distant, I figured I’d come off a bit strong or whatever, and he had just been trying to let me down gently so I left him to it so he could decide if he wanted to chased me up for a second date or not.
A few days go by with nothing and then I get a message apologising for him being distant, he says his aunt passed away and it had just been crazy trying to get everything together. Understandable, funerals and family affairs can be time consuming and exhausting. He asks to go for coffee again in a few days time, same time, same place as our first date. I agree, everything seems to be back on track.
We get to the day of and two hours before the date he cancels again. This time citing that he’s got to go for an important meeting because his boss isn’t around and he’s gonna be out of the city for a few days. Right, okay, whatever, his problem not mine, starting to get sick of this now. However the messages seem to be very genuine and he’s very apologetic. So we continue messaging occasionally, he’s a little distant again, I figure he’ll probably just stop messaging me and that will be that. So I’m looking at other people, keeping my options open and whatever.
About a week after he cancels a second time, he messages me asking if I’m free the next day, if I want to go for coffee (Essentially rescheduling our 2nd date). I agree, same time, same place, etc. Offhandedly he adds in that his phone is dying and he’ll need to get a new one soon.
I shoot him a message on the day, checking if he’s still up for it. No message back, not looking good. I get to the coffee place, grab a coffee and sit down, send another message, still no reply. Half an hour goes by, I try calling him, and nothing. An hour after we were supposed to meet I give up, send him a snarky message essentially saying that if he wasn’t interested then to just have the balls to say it. I was understandably angry and upset about having my hopes dashed and my time wasted, but I move on.
I don’t hear anything from him at all for the rest of the day, that week or the next.
Come to today, and I receive a message from him out of the blue over two weeks after he stood me up saying (word for word) « Hello love! My phone properly died and i lost everything, managed to recover my data and numbers! You alright? x »
And I’m just honestly confused. I mean, having your phone die and everything is shit, but it doesn’t give you grounds to stand someone up and ghost them for over two weeks? Like it doesn’t take that long to get a new phone and recover your data? I’m also angry that there’s zero apology in that. Granted he doesn’t owe me anything, but seriously? Any decent person would at the very least apologise for standing someone up.
So do I reply? If so, should I ask what the fuck is going on or just see what happens? Frankly I don’t even think I could trust him after the shit he pulled, but a small part of me is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and be hopeful about it and I just don’t know.
TLDR; Messaging a guy for a while, cancels once, go on 1st date, distant after that, arranges 2nd date, cancels that, rearrange it and then get stood up. Get ghosted and then two weeks later I get a message from him saying « Hello love! My phone properly died and i lost everything, managed to recover my data and numbers! You alright? x ». Should I reply? If so, what should I say?
UPDATE
after 24 hours I decided to message him. I told him to get bent and that it wasn’t okay that he ghosted and stood me up. He reiterated that his phone died, apologised but apparently he didn’t ghost me. He also used the excuse that he didn’t know how else to contact me. Which is bullshit because I know he’s got Snapchat, Instagram and for a few days after still had me on Tinder. Then when I stuck to my guns and didn’t accept his apology he attempted to guilt me by stating he lost a bunch of family photos too. He then *finally* apologised for standing me up. So I told him it still wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to be messed about and to go elsewhere, and then I blocked him.
Thanks to everyone who replied with helpful insights, suggestions and the truth. Lesson learned, I’m worth more than some pathetic asshole who thinks it’s okay to stand someone up. 😊❤️
How does the phone dying account for two weeks? Maybe two days, not two weeks.
If you care about having any type of relationship with him at all (be that a friendship or whathaveyou) then yes you can respond and exclaim your frustrations. You don’t owe him a response though, and your time is valuable. So there’s no point in wasting it on someone that’s having difficulty getting their life together.
Personally if I knew my phone was having issues I’d give someone an alternative way to contact me. Also, the FIRST thing I’d do is exclaim extreme remorse for having missed the date and not just ask if my date was « alright » after having not seen them when I planned to reschedule. Lastly, a dead phone isn’t much of an excuse because I could just show up a little early and wait. Unless I need my phone for directions I can still show up to a coffeeshop lol.
It sounds like either he’s comfortable stringing you along or that he’s having a hard time finding stable footing. If it’s the latter I totally understand but you have to ask yourself if you’re comfortable dealing with that.
He’s probably dealing with someone else he started see or is at the end of seeing. Definitely someone else though because I’ve done the same thing. It’s common with dating apps to meet multiple people at the same time but you’re totally on the back burner. He’s super flakey anyways so even with good chemistry, this is a red flag because he’s totally lying to you. You’ll meet someone else who’s better. Just have patience or get a booty call until you do!!
He has a girlfriend and only wants to hang out with you when they are arguing.
I call bullshit, even with a dead phone you remember a date the next day. If I wasn’t able to make it at least I’d call the restaurant and try to let you know.
I mean, if his phone dies and he didn’t have you on Facebook or anything, how else could he tell you? For all you know, he may not have been trying to stand you up and had a resurgence of work come up or any number of things legitimate. He just sounds like a busy dude, and as a fellow busy dude, shit just happens. I don’t know if his situation is similar, but if he can be called to do something at work on a moment’s notice or be asked to stay late with no warning, those are definitely contributing factors.
That being said if he did actually stand you up then don’t waste a second more on him.
Oh, so now he’s horny
Do not reply!
Easiest no of your life.
He knew exactly when and where to meet you, yet he still didn’t show. That’s not the fault of the phone, that’s the fault of him. He’s playing you. Give him up.
Sorry but even though the phone died, he already knew the time and place for the coffee date.
unfortunately from the story of the sick aunt, to the Aunt passing away, to the phone that’s about to die, to the phone that needed to get replaced, that’s all setting up some elaborate story so that he could extend the fake interest for weeks.
sorry that you had to go through this but now you know the possibilities of these weird stories that don’t show any interest even though they’re pretending to show interest
Do you know how fast I would try to reach out to someone if my phone actually did die and I was really interested in them?
Plus, if someone stands me up early on in any relationship, then I’m done. I don’t have time to be a puppet on a string.
Honestly actions speak louder than words & I learned that the hard way.
Don’t reply, block him and move on. He’s clearly just playing games or has something else (probably a relationship) going on.
If he’s like this in the beginning when people are supposed to be on their best behavior, imagine how he would be later on. Yikes.
Why are you chasing this guy? You talked for a couple of hours, then he couldn’t even manage to make one date for weeks. What are you chasing?
If someone ever ghosts you, they never really cared in the first place
He may be telling the truth or he may not be but you have to decide how much you can hang in there. I like to use a 3-strikes you’re out kind of policy. You get the benefit of the doubt, 3 times…then I need to move on
Do not REPLY!
Do you like to be abuse? Is that your thing?
You must really hate yourself if you reply to this fool.