Dating : I keep getting into relationships where they are hiding something that ruin’s the entire thing. I don’t know how to stop this.
I’m a 28 year old guy, formerly shy, overweight etc. I’ve been in three relationships in the last year since I’ve started gaining confidence, losing weight and getting myself out there.
The first relationship lasted about half a year, we were match made by a mutual friend. Since I’ve lost weight and worked on myself, I’ve become pretty attractive looking. She would get self conscious about herself and told me I deserved better, I didn’t think much about it. It ended shortly after she tried to quit drinking, she told me she was hiding alcoholism from me, then told me she was depressed a month after, and dumped me during a valentines trip a few weeks after that.
Second was with a girl from Tinder. First girl I asked out on Tinder, I don’t know what the odds of that are, but it turned into a few months of us seeing each other every day and hooking up in a casual relationship that was turning into me not going home and staying at her place. When I asked her to make it serious because I was nearly living with her, she started ugly crying and told me a story about a guy who shattered her heart. She was stone cone sober and I have never seen anyone cry like that. She couldn’t handle admitting to another serious relationship.
Third girl hit on me, we met on a messenger group on the internet, and she was reasonably close enough to actually meet and make it work. She was also closer to my age than the other girls, and had a career and seemed more put together. To make a long story short, I had a lot of confidence in it working, because we ended up confiding a ton about our lives with each other, problems, etc. But when I met her for a few days after a month of us talking every day she was so depressed she didn’t even want to leave the bed. Turns out, she couldn’t even function sober, something she glossed over, and then told me there was no spark in person. I felt the same way, and was more hurt that she wasn’t who she said she was than it ending. She sweet talked me a lot online, and in person it was like a stranger.
I really don’t know what to do, It’s not like I’m taking every relationship potential I see. I go on dates occasionally, but only really go for people I connect well with but everyone I do seems to be a little crazy. Is seeing this beforehand something that comes with experience?
[deleted]
there are some red flags that you can spot right away. you probably don’t want to date a woman who’s rude to your server on your first date. there are some red flags that you can’t spot until you’ve been with someone for months. this is because people can show their best selves for about eight months before they start showing you who they really are. none of this is your fault, it’s just something that you need to be aware of and act upon. you made a wise decision to break up instead of trying to fix someone who’s broken.
gf1 – functioning alcoholics are. very good at hiding their addiction.
gf2 – you were a rebound relationship you had no way of knowing this.
gf3 – she was perfect online but not in real life. the one thing that you could have done differently was to set a shorter time limit between meeting her online and meeting her in person. hindsight is 20/20. in general try to spend no more than two weeks before first contact and first date.
If someone is still single at your age and willing to date you, they are probably fucked up somehow. Just the name of the game
Everyone has problems
Three relationships in one year, that’s actually pretty good. but at the same time that’s also just the right time frame in which you learn more about somebody else and decide if it’s something that you can handle or not and continue the relationship or break up.
So don’t think about it as if it’s an issue that you keep bringing up but think about it as an issue that you’re getting dates, which is good , and those dates lead to relationships which is even better, and you’re able to filter out the bad ones.