Dating : I lost the only girl I’ve ever dated and I’m now I’m broken

Dating : I lost the only girl I’ve ever dated and I’m now I’m broken

This post is very long and the best TL:DR is perhaps the first few paragraphs and the last few. I don’t know. Go crazy.

I (26M) never had much skill talking to girls (having been an introvert and was at a boys school through junior and senior high school and literally only the first year of uni was I ever in the same class with girls and never again since no girls majored in physics that year so I never did get exposure to having girls as friends and thought I never needed it anyway). I had issues of low self esteem and subsequently avoided girls almost religiously.

There were girls (before) who I suspected liked me but either I never had the guts to ask out or just thought they were out of my league and couldn’t possibly like me. (I kinda have this thing in my head that there has to be some form of mutual interest in one another for me to ask a girl out. I’m too self conscious to ask a girl who I’m sure doesn’t like me in that way)

By some stroke of luck of whatever it was I met someone, got to like them and long story short were dating from March of 2017 to a week and half ago.

We had our issues through the years but I always believed that we were going to get married so I shut my eyes to them and tried to work them out with her and work through my feelings when we couldn’t meet. I just wanted focus on getting financially stable to support us.

Our story feels too long to summerise so I’ll just share a message I sent to her elder sister the exact Sunday before the past one.

****

Hello good morning.
I have a favour to ask of you and there is no easy way to say this I’m just going to go right in.

This message is going to be quite long and I apologise for that but it can’t be any shorter.

N___ and I have been having problems. I don’t think I know exactly when it all began but our communication has been very poor lately and has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days.

At first I just tried to be understanding and took it for school on her part. Since I’ve also been a little busy myself I tried to brush it off but tried my best to keep in touch when I could.

I will say now that I have had a weakness with being consistent and keeping in touch with loved ones so I’m not proud of the effort I made but I really did try. I say this so as not to paint myself as pure. I have my weakness so let that be known.

She is your sister so I know it will be more than natural to side with her over me and I’d expect nothing less than that from you.

Anyway of late I’d started getting depressed about how we were not really communicating that well and not seeing much of each other. That last time I saw her was the time when she was coming from seeing you and the newborn and that was just for a short while.

Each time I’d ask when could I see her she’d tell me the timing was not right and to wait for later but she’d not get back to me about when I should go.

Each time she did that I’d get disappointed but try and tough it out thinking I should understand her and her school situation. My mental health took a hit and I’d get more and more anxious and that made me feel less and less motivated to call and all this while she doesn’t call and has not called me come and see her in many months.

I’ve kept getting worse and many times I did not realise it but the longer I waiting the more I could not about the situation on the phone. I’m sure you know that some things are better said in person.

All this ‘we need to see each other but she tells me we can’t’ kept affecting me and must have made a feedback loop where I got worse by the day.

Maybe a month ago I’d asked to see her but she told me she had tests and maybe I heard worng but it sounded like she said it would be on a Tuesday and Thursday and the same week. I got excepted thinking I’d be able to see her on Friday or Saturday. I reached out when I thought she was done only to be told her next paper was actually the following week which hurt me a little but I decided to brush it aside.

I’d been feeling low so I didn’t ask to meet immediately she was done but then asked to meet after 2 days and again excuses.

Last week or so, my efforts at trying to keep in touch over phone were met with excuses about needing to get things done at school which I tried to be understanding but it still hurt. I decided to try and tell her (via text) that I was feeling depressed and she just told me it would be fine. I went futther and told her it had something to do with us and she said she knew. At that point I tried to call but she cut the line and texted saying we should talk later. I didn’t a time frame for later and was feeling low so I let that be but spiralled into worse depression. At this point let me just ask you not worry too much about me. I’m a little used to this feeling. It’s not that bad but I don’t think I’ve felt this consistently depressed since before I met her. Again, I’m not trying to sympathy, I’m just trying to tell me side.

Anyway she never did get back to me the next day and our WhatsApp convos were not great either.

I started trying call the following day and the day that followed but she did not pick up the calls which prompted me to reach out to you yesterday.

I did something I’ve never done by just imposing that I would come over and see her today which tried to dodge but saying she wanted to go to church and also she has her roommate’s friends wedding to attend today.

I told her I too would be missing church I did not accept that excuse and as for the wedding, it’s a roommate’s friend so it may not be as important. I tried to explain that it was important that I see her for my mental health so that at least I know what is going on and have peace of mind as it was affecting me too much. I’ve felt like giving any time over but because I didn’t know exactly what was going on I felt I needed to wait till I knew for certain and not make assumptions that I couldn’t prove.

She agreed that we could meet today and I told her that I would be starting off at around 8.

I started off a little earlier in Kalulushi (76km/47Mi from where she is at school) so that I could be in the bus in kitwe by 8 and move well since public transport is unpredictable. Whilst on the bus I receive a WhatsApp from her saying she today was a bad day and that she had already prepared to go to the wedding.

At that point I tell her I was already on the bus and it had already started off. She complained that I didn’t tell her when I was starting off but I don’t know if I did wrong to assume since we’d set a program she’d be expecting me so I wanted to only call when we’d already moved a bit.

I tried to tell her it’s just a friend’s friend and she should wait for me but she then texted saying she had already gone.

Thinking she my have just been dodging I still went anyway and true enough there is no one at her Apartment. She’s not picking up her phone and she’s offline.

I don’t know what is going on and I don’t know what to think of her actions and what she wants me to think of it all which where I want to request a favour.

I want to know what is going on. I have had am manner of thoughts about what could be happening but I don’t want to assume anything because I could be wrong.

I ask that you don’t bring up how much I’ve told you. At best you can just tell her I’ve said she’s avoiding to see me and is not picking up my calls. She does not need to know how much I’ve told you or she may not open up. Try just to get her side of things which you could tell me. This whole situation is driving me insane and I would just like to know what exactly is going on.

Again I ask please don’t reveal how much I’ve told you. I’m not trying to create to gain your approval and I don’t want her to think I told you this so you can side with me. She’s your sister so side with her as much as possible. I just want to know what is happening. The full truth.

I still love her a lot but how she has behaved over the past months has weakened my spirit.

Also don’t call her until the end of the Day. I want to wait and see if I can still meet her.

*****

It turns out she didn’t really go to the wedding but just ignored when I knocked at her door (I know knocked anyway even she said she’d gone).

5hrs later she came back online and I went back to see her, this time she opened. when I asked about why it felt to me like she was avoiding me she said it was she was no longer feeling us and needed space. She said she was not sure if she loved me though a small part of her hoped things would change (her words).

I told her she’d get her space but I’d been hurt too so I don’t know if I’d be there if she came back.

Told her space would just put me back in a state of hoping and not getting any fulfilment.

I feel like I’ll not be able to bring myself to date or think about marriage for the forseable future.