Dating : I never had a first date. Why am I literally non-existent for girls?
Hi,
honestly I don’t know if this is the right place to ask for advice as there are multiple things that I may fucked up in my life. But lately the fact that I never had a first date is killing me.
I’m a 23 years old guy and I never had a first data, first kiss or whatnot. On top of that I don’t have any friends. I don’t have hobbies, since I am a computer nerd and I’ll spent almost all my time on the PC. The only two things that I have in my life is my family and my work.
Lately I feel like that I did something terribly wrong in my life. All people around me are getting into relationships or are already in one. Everywhere I look the things are so much sexualized, everytime this remindes me that there is nobody that loves me or looks after me (in a romantic way). The time when everybody at my age had their first dates, I was presumably sitting at my PC and did not even thought about girls. I was so muched focused to learn new things (PC related) to get a job in the computer system administration branch – which I thankfully did. But now I hate myself for this. I also didn’t make friends, since nobody shared my passion back than.
I feel like I am in an loop: I don’t have any friends -> I can’t meet new friends (since I don’t go into discos, parties, … ) -> I will never meet a girl -> I don’t have any friends … and so on.
I am also very insecure around girls and I am always asking myself what they think about me. But apart from the normal conversation (hello, bye, thanks, ,,,) girls don’t even look at me, it is like I am not existent for them.
So please give me some advice what can I do? Be honest what do you think about a guy with this background story? Do you even consider an insecure guy as a date? Must the « first step » initaited by the guy, which I am insecure at?
I know there are dating apps but I feel uncomfortable to use them, since I have anxiety about getting bad comments about my picture or the worst case not even a single match.
This whole text sounds like I’m begging for some attention to my « problems ». I don’t know, maybe this is true. I felt that had to get this out of my system. On every corner (social media, tv, whatnot) you’ll see sexualized content and content that show a perfect couple, this puts me under so much pressure to feel bad about this whole topic.
Please don’t judge my written english. English is not my native language and I am still learning.
Thanks for reading and maybe for a little tip or advice.
Hey I know exactly how you feel !
And you and I are quite similar, I am also a computer/tech/gamer kind of guy. I was very fully invested in that life, however when I started doing other things outside that such as kickboxing, ballroom dancing, dramas etc. I met a lot more girls and became confident in myself and within a few months, got into a serious relationship. But I didn’t do it to go find a relationship. I did it because I realized that I am not going to meet people by being on the computer all day. Enough about me.
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In your post, you never really mention that you want companionship nor intimacy. It seems like you are feeling this way because of your « lack of experience » at your age. If you want to start dating, you need to be looking for companionship/intimacy rather than looking for experience like a job.
You said it yourself, you don’t have friends. My advice would be, focus on that first. Get some friends – for the sake of friendship. Relationships can come after that. You have to learn to walk before you can run.
They can’t see you if you hide from them.
Get out of your shell, stop living in a box.
Go out to bars / clubs, talk to and dance with girls, get numbers, get rejected, go home empty handed MANY times, over the course of months you’ll learn the lessons and get better.
Eventually, you’ll find what you want to an extent, then you just gotta play the hand.
Get educated, get a career, get independent, create opportunities for yourself this way. Also, get healthy / fit. Get a pet. Connect with your family. All of these things will bring you a well balanced life. Outside of that, women will just pop up, you just gotta keep going out and talking to them, doing what you can etc.
How are you around people? Do you think you have social anxiety or aspergers?
I was in the same place until a decent bit older than you are now.
You need to find a way to get out and meet people and make friends. Even if you can get dates online you need the social skills to actually do well on those dates.
Find Meetup groups or some social activity that you can enjoy and meet people. It doesn’t have to be bars and clubs. Try to stay open to new things and maybe try some new activities that will help meet people. I just went to a dance class tonight when I’ve never done anything like that in my life, and I’m going back later this week because I had a great time. There were also a lot of cute girls there.
The main thing that you have to realize is the you are very lucky. You realized and accepted that you have a problem in this area of your life at an age where you can still do something about it. Your problems are a pretty simple and easy fix when you think about it, you need to get out of the house and experience life. Step outside of you shell and join some random clubs and explore cold approaching strangers, you have got to practice these skills to get better. You won’t be great at it at first but over time your confidence will explode, you won’t even recognize yourself in 6 months if you actually do this. Go and read the book The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck, by Mark Manson. It will give you a general mindset background on how to not care what others think. Good Luck Man.
since I am a computer nerd and I’ll spent almost all my time on the PC
Ur 23 yrs old..born in 1996..in 1996 i was playing pick up basketball all evening, and pounding my asian girlfriend all day, thank god i was born in the 70s, cause i coulda been you.
Now listen, quit the computer like a drug, join a gym or a class and youll meet a chick guranteed. U can do this!
I wish I could be(back) in your shoes. I’m 31 now, and I just last month gathered the courage to actively pursue do online dating, and it’s not particularly easy to find someone great at this age.
The thing that motivated me to start this was the realization that everyone there (on the dating sites) was also looking for a relationship, so I didn’t have to be afraid of being a creeper simply for asking.
Have you had a lack of positive male role models in your life?