Dating : I saw my emotionally abusive ex yesterday
I broke up with her- because I was tired of being gaslit and belittled and told that I wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t heal her past trauma. I was tired of trying to communicate with someone who wouldn’t communicate with me, and waiting for a kind word from the woman I loved. I wasn’t perfect- but I made myself accountable and apologized for my mistakes, while she never did. Eventually, I had to tell her- “I recognize your value, but I won’t beg for you to recognize mine.”
After fighting for us for 2 months, I realized that I couldn’t keep trying to fix things with someone who was more comfortable being miserable and would rather be vindictive and drag me down than work to fix our relationship. I knew breaking up was the right thing to do.
I thought I was doing okay. I’d let myself feel the pain from the breakup, I’d started to heal, and I’d deleted her Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram. I let go of the emotional abuse, the belittling comments and the refusal to acknowledge my needs or even apologize after I started standing up for myself. I forgave her and forgave myself. I felt ready to date again, and I was starting to feel whole. It has been almost a month.
I hadn’t thought about her in days, and then I saw her car, with her behind the wheel. In an instant, all the feelings came rushing back. All the pain and hurt, but also care for her and memories of our best times. I know I’m better off without her, but all I wanted to do was to pick up the phone and call her. I stopped myself- but part of me wishes I hadn’t.
Tl:dr- I saw my emotionally abusive ex yesterday. It hurt.
Yes, the pain and regret will last a long time. Even the most vicious of abusers will be remembered fondly for a while. We tend to mourn the idea of what attracted us rather than what we left. It’s a mourning of a loss of time and investment I think.
In future break ups, you may want to reconcile with your abusive ex again. It’s mostly due to the idea of the familiar. You ended the relationship so we start to convince yourself you were too judgmental and harsh. That now with knowledge and hindsight you can repair the relationship and her. These are all false if course but human nature. Being alone and feeling that pain and loss can sometimes seem too difficult. And old memories or chance meetings will reopen those wounds. But they will scar over and you will make better choices in your future. Let the pain teach you to be more vigilant and that you are worth caring for.
Stay strong. The trauma bond will relax in time.
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Just keep walking and don’t look back !
I’ve been there trust me buddy, I KNOW your pain. My ex was passive aggressive, neglectful, hurtful, mean and ignored me and had zero empathy or kindness, very blunt and just generally unpleasant to be with. I was hooked by her bread-crumbing tendencies, mixed messages, it was like playing lottery (when would I win?) it was an on and off « situationship » I fought SO hard for and she claimed it was one-sided (gas lighting)
Remember as you take more and more time apart you will realize this fundamental truth about this person.. you were in love with the fantasy and not the reality of who this person was. I almost lost my job due to the emotional pain of her giving up so many times, I even went to therapy enough is enough. If someone made you consistently miserable and unhappy, do what’s best for you and leave em. I know it hurts as you are a normal human being who has feelings, just go no contact erase it all. And what helped me was seeking out more people to fill me back up with peace, joy and happiness.
And guess what it did for me? I found a high quality, good woman that makes me happy everyday! and my past experiences with my ex were just a learning experience to better navigate relationships and people. Trust me buddy IT WILL GET BETTER in time. God bless, time heals ALL wounds
Way to be strong and NOT call her. Move forward… don’t look back!!!
My ex made me an emotional train wreck I kid you not it took quite some therapy(from friends of course) to actually move on , it was my first relationship and I learnt a very big lesson , to not get attached , she’s in the same college as me and it absolutely breaks my heart to even see her because of what she had done to me ..but now I’ve moved on and I’m looking for a girl who prolly won’t break my heart but I’m still careful not to get too attached
haha
A month is nowhere near long enough. I broke up with my ex and she wasn’t bad at all. Its been 7 months and it’s still a struggle. When I think I’m over it I’m not. It really wasn’t until a few days ago that what we had is subsiding. Give it more time.
You are not responsible for healing her past trauma unless you are the one that caused it
I saw mine just a few days ago with a meaness in her for a reason I just don’t understand at all. I don’t know exactly what truly transpired before our breakup. I do know one thing and its a guess but trust me right on target. Her best friend that never got to see her anymore ut her two cents into something I said which is true but I don’t care because I love my ex gf. But her friend took her two cent comment and put in ninty nine cents worth of lies and bullshit to jerk me off. I tried to express no hatred towards her because I really have none. My feelings are more of disappointment that she just never could talk to me face to face. I don’t understand why.
« It has been almost a month. »
That’s not exactly enough time to get over someone you were in love with.
People generally enact the « no contact rule » for six months or even up to a year and beyond. If just seeing her stirs up all these feelings it means you weren’t over her after only a four weeks.
Give yourself a pat on the back for not breaking down and returning to a toxic situation.
Odds are she hasn’t « changed » in one month. It would be like going to see the same movie twice.
Continue to focus on yourself, hobbies/interest, socializing with family and friends, and working on personal goals. It takes more than a month to heal from toxic relationship.
*** »Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary. »*** – Oscar Wilde
*** »The world may not owe you anything but you owe yourself the world! »*** – Kevin Darné
Best wishes!
I looked at your profile….nevermind…makes total sense now.
Lets see. All u mentioned were ur insecurities, issues and weakass moves.
Where’s her abusive behavior towards you? Should she bring up the balls on table for ya? Or feel sorry for you all the time?
Man up, bro, all u were doing were self-abuse and mental masturbation.