Dating : If you feel like you’ve known someone for so long , and there losing interest/ignoring you; should you just take the hint or should you at least be honest and sincere with them?
Hi Reddit Dating,
So about 4 months ago, I met someone on tinder( yes I know the most awful place to meet someone) a really awesome girl. Now, I usually don’ take tinder very seriously, and I use it more as a joke if anything. But with this person i really established a connection(even though when we matched i didn’t thing she’d respond given how attractive she was) , after a few days we ended up getting each other SM details and numbers because we both clicked really well with one another.After talking nearly everyday for almost 3 months and getting to know each other so well last month we finally met up. It was the first ever time I had met someone in person from online, and she told me herself that she usually didn’t even meet up with guys from tinder becuase of all the awful stories she’s heard and mainly because all the guys she’d talked to were just after hookups. Our first date went so well, and afterwards she’d literally text me non-stop, vent to me about everything, tell me how excited she was to see where things could go and even initiate the second date herself. We’ve ended up now going on three dates and before our third date , i deleted my account , although i’d notice that she was still on their and active (uploading pics , changing her bio etc), which is completely fine i wouldn’t to commit to me after 2 dates……
But anyway to cut to the point; i’ve just noticed that her behaviour and texting patterns have changed, this she’s taking days to respond to me and seeming really uninterested whenever she does respond. From what i sense, it feels like she’s responding just to be ‘polite’ ( becuase she is really a nice person). I dont wan’t to turn this thread into one of those ‘there doing x what does this mean’ threads, becuase a) there are plenty of threads like this and b) only she can answer the question herself. But the question i really want to ask is whether if you feel after 4 months of knowing someone and you perviceve that there losing interest / ignoring should you at least try and have an honest conversation with them, or should you just let go. The thing i’m scared about more than anything is not the fact of merely her losing interest in me and no longer wanting to see me ( I understand that is just a part of dating and I am willing to accept that). I’m afraid that after 4 months of knowing them, things will just end with a few unanswered or shallow messages. If she is no longer interested, I would at least like to tell her how much I appreciate the fact that she took her time time and effort to meet with me, and how grateful i was to get to know them as a person ( because we have quite got to know each other lives quite well), and how much through the sole act of talking to them I have learned a lot about myself and really. And i would want her to feel comfortable ( even though this is a difficult thing for women to do because of the hostility they receive from some abusive guys) with her telling me that she’s no longer interested.
Sorry , for this incredibly long vent reddit. It’s just that once you spend almost 4 months knowing someone and it feel like there no longer a stranger to you, i’d rather things end through open and honest communication rather than by just ‘taking the hint’: which seems to be the norm these days. If this was just some random fling or just one of those things were after a couple of week someone just shows disinterest, i wouldn’t stress about this sort of stuff. This past week , i haven’t been sleeping well thinking about this been laying awake till 2 and waking up in the middle of the night. Telling myself have i done something or said something that leds to this and had the usual I should of done X , shouldnt of done Y mental phenomenom. Maybe this is just me overthinking everything ( this is an inherrent part of my personality) , but i just don’t know anymore. Im just really posting on here just to get things off my chest , as i really cannot concertrate on anything else (studying , hobbies etc).
And to be honest I kind of feel wimpy, pathetic and desperate by writing this post, and I feel like i’ve kind lost my cool this past few weeks due to the overwhelming level of uncertainty. I would honestly cringe if anyone including her or any of my friends saw this post. But i’d love to also here if anyone has been in a similar situation and what they have done.
Dude!!! You’re building and creating an expectation for a person you barely know and that you’ve only know a few months. This is going to sound harsh but she’s not into you. She enjoyed the attention you gave her but she possibly met someone else or isn’t attracted to you/has the feelings you have for her.
Please, i beg you, stop putting effort into this. You’re going to just get hurt even more than you feel now. Just think of it logically, a person feels lonely or that no one may like them, so they go on a dating app finds a cute person who is kind, thoughtful and a genuine good person. Well, she got her needs full filled and now she’s moving on.
That doesn’t mean you’re ugly, unattractive, or undateable. It means you’re a great guy and haven’t worked on yourself enough to realize that you can be a great friend and possibly a great friend to date. The lack of communication and response hurts. But the more your think and over analyse it, the more you’ll create negative thoughts about yourself. That will turn into a long time of rebuilding. But you have the power, right now, to understand that this is all a learning experience and that taking it personally is only going to hurt yourself and confidence.
Just build confidence in the fact that you’re awesome, and that you’ll be a great catch. Expressing that every day will attract partners who need a person like you in their life. But the longer you wonder why or what you did, the longer you have to come to the realization that there seriously isn’t anything wrong with you. There are millions of people on Earth. You don’t have to want or be attracted to everyone. But you have to be a guy who knows he’s worth it.
Four months can somehow feel like both a really short or a really long time. Yes she doesn’t owes you anything, but I get how you feel when you want to be able to bid goodbye (if you have to) to a wonderful time you’ve spent with this someone. I really think you should tell her what you’ve articulated out in your post. This way, even if she decides to play it wimpy, you’ll still get closure from this.
Personally I still kinda regret not telling someone I was interested in him five years ago, but that’s me lol. I still kinda wish I told him, so I’d stop thinking about it even now.
Edit: I re-read my comment & sorry for making you have to second guess what I was saying! All the best man x
Was recently on a very similar situation and had almost the exact same thoughts as you.
I recently graduated university, and for the last 2 weeks of school I was talking to a girl I thought I might want to date sometime down the line (so played it slow, did not hookup just kissed before we both left school permanently). We ended up talking every day for about 2 months after graduating (we are both going to be living in the same city next year) and like your situation, got along really well and conversation was always easy. But, around the start of July, I noticed she was giving less and less effort in the conversation, taking much longer to reply than before, and (we talked via Snapchat) was no longer taking the effort to send me pictures of her face, just the room she was in. I gave it some time in case she was going through something, but after about a week I was coming to the conclusion/situation you are-she’s probably not interested anymore, should I just end it or ghost?
I can’t answer the question for you, but all I know is I hate being ghosted, so I decided to just tell her what I was thinking-along the lines of I’m into you, but something seems off lately. She at first played it off saying she “didn’t mean to be off” (whatever that means), but things didn’t get better in terms of communication after I said that, and she never mentioned she felt the same. So, a few days later after suffering through a conversation that I was clearly the only one trying in, I just told her I think we should stop talking. She replied asking why, and I told her how I felt-that I felt that she didn’t feel the same, since she didn’t mention she did when I said I was into her, and that the conversations were feeling slow and one sided. She replied that she wasn’t looking for that type of thing right now, but she wanted to be friends and still talk. I said I wasn’t looking for that either right now (since we are not in the same city yet and cannot even hang out), but I don’t think it’s wrong to tell someone how you feel, and if you don’t feel the same I don’t really want to keep talking like we have been every day. She never replied to that message.
On one hand-I’m happy I said my peace, was mature, and didn’t just ghost her-and I have (somewhat) closure that she didn’t feel the same. On the other hand-after talking to her for 3 months and having her ghost me after I told her how I feel hurt man. I could’ve been friends with this girl eventually if she had simply shown some empathy and replied to that message in an understanding manner of how I felt, and tried to leave it on good terms. But she didn’t, and eventually to get lingering thoughts out of my head I felt the need to block her on socials.
I suppose I’m happy with my decision (still coming to grips with the outcome), because in the end it was the mature thing to do, and regardless if she felt the same as me or not I wanted to let her know and break things off properly if she didn’t. But I am disappointed that she left things how she did, and I warn you that opening up about your feelings and then being ghosted does hurt. Sometimes I think I should’ve just ghosted her and “kept the power” (not sure if that’s the best term but I think you get it) in the relationship to myself-but even though I had a good idea she didn’t feel the same, I still cared for her, and am happy that it wasn’t me to blame for my hurt feelings-if ghosting makes her feel good about herself then whatever, I said my peace and can begin to do what I need to in order to put myself together and get back out there. In the end, I think it was the right thing to do-act how you would want to be treated in a relationship-and if they can’t show maturity in response, at least you did what you could. And I don’t mean to give false hope-but by telling her how you feel she may tell you she feels the same but has just been going through personal issues lately-and in that case, saying how you feel about how things have been going lately can save the relationship.
Sorry for long reply though-hope whatever you decide to do goes well.