Dating : I’m 20, he’s 33. Is this odd?
I matched with him on a dating site and we have seemed to hit it off. He seems to be nice and respectful. We have the same interests and text throughout the day with good, genuine conversations. I’ve just been told by people that this is a major red flag that he even has his age preferences set so low and that he’s well-established in life and I am not, that he could be predatory and try to manipulate me because I am younger.
My sister and mother don’t seem to like the idea of it – they say he is too old for me, feels uncomfortable they said. I know I should follow my own gut but they could be looking out for me in a way, right? He wants to set up a time to go on a date.
I just wish to seek genuine advice. Is 13 years too much of an age gap? Should I steer clear and tell him I’m not interested?
You can do what you like. But proceed with caution. It isn’t at all odd that your family members are a bit apprehensive
Anyone can seem nice online. Just make sure you’re clear about your boundaries and if something doesn’t feel right don’t shy away from it.
It doesn’t matter what we tell ourselves. No matter how mature we think we are we still have very limited life experience at 21, so it can be very difficult to make sense of new situations and adult relationships.
Even in my 20s I wouldn’t date someone 20 because while it’s legal we are at two very different stages of life. A 20 year old cannot keep up with me either and it would be very unfair to expect that (which can sometimes happen when age differences are so large)
Date, have fun, whatever. But just be aware that hitting it off with someone 13 years older than you when you’re 20 isn’t a particularly promising sign either.
I’m 35. Even if I was in his situation and was really hitting it off with a early 20 year old, I would feel grossly uncomfortable. 26 is my limit. Plus it’s about where you are in life more than the age itself. 13 years means nothing if he’s 53 and you’re 40.
I dated a guy 12 years older than me when I was 20 and while we had a lot of stuff in common like favorite movies, shows, etc, the age gap was a contributing factor to me breaking up with him.
We were in different stages in life. I wanted to go to school and have a career and he wanted babies before he was 40.
I personally wouldn’t date someone that much older again. At the end of the day it’s your decision. Not all guys who date younger women are predatory, but in my case he did wind up having the mentality « I’m older so I know better ». I didn’t like that or the feeling of being controlled because I was supposedly in need of his guidance.
Try to think about what you want out of life and be cautious. Follow your gut.
Good luck to you!
13 years is a pretty big age gap. I try to keep it under 10, personally. Especially when you’re 20; there’s a LOT that happens in life between 20 to 33. I mean, most of us at 25 are significantly different people than we were at 20.
That being said, I say life your life; just live it safely.
I’m a man and I dated a 24 year old when I was thirty and broke it off as we were at different stages of life and had different outlooks because of it. A 33 year old man definitely is not at the same life stage as you regardless of how mature you are.. I wond date anyone younger than their late twenties now because the age and experience gap is so vast. He is only 7 years from being twice your age and if one of my friends were dating a 20 year old I would be asking why isn’t he with someone around his age? Is there something deficient about him?
Yes. But you’re an adult and free to make your own choices.
I’m a guy, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I think it’s totally possible that he is a great guy with no ill intentions. But it’s also a fact that some guys will seek girls much younger than themselves because they tend to be inexperienced and easier to manipulate.
If I were you, I would give the guy a chance, since he seems to be a good person and you get along well. But only date him if you are able to set really strong boundaries for yourself. Follow all of the traditional dating safety rules, like meeting in a public place and driving yourself.
Not all relationships with large age gaps are predatory though, and he might really be a great guy. Although I’ve never been in such a relationship romantically, my best friend of several years is a girl, and our age gap is about the same as yours. I know others may think of it as creepy, but we both enjoy each other’s company, and for me it has been the closest, most emotionally fulfilling friendship I’ve ever had.
It is. I’m 29, I wouldn’t dream of going out with a 20 year old. I was talking to a 22 year old for a bit and it felt creepy so I stopped. Is there a reason men closer to your age are not as appealing to you?
Think of it this way, he is gonna play it off like he just set his age range that way, but he did that for a reason, whatever that reason may be. Also you have to think of what someone that age wants. Marriage, children, a home, is that something you really want within the next few years? In my mind at 20 you should still be exploring yourself and who you are, and not trying to dive headfirst into a life like that
Genuine conversation is like the bare minimum of dating. I can have a genuine conversation with 90% of the people alive, that doesn’t mean we are romantically compatible.
However at the same time, you set your age range that high as well. My ex married at 18 to a man who was like 31, and it took years of therapy for her to realize how abusive that relationship was, and honestly it fucked up a lot of things about her from an outside perspective of someone dating her in her recovery. He manipulated her, he had money, she didn’t have a place to go, he tracked her car, her phone, and she was almost 99% dependent on him. It took a psychological breakdown and a stay in a mental hospital for her to realize who he really was.
I’m not saying this guy is that. He could have the best intentions. Or he could be grooming you. It’s your life and that’s your chance to take, but you lose nothing by playing it safe, and you could lose a chunk of your 20s if you’re wrong.
as someone who was in a similar situation, I would say steer clear. Even though I seemed to hit it off with a guy 10 years older, my friends picked up on little manipulative messages he would send me, I finally decided to tell him I was no longer interested and he took it VERY badly despite never even meeting in real life for a date. I would say trust your friends to some extent because sometimes they see things that you don’t.
Also if you’re questioning it / doubting it this much then is it really worth the effort? you’re young and there’s plenty of time / fish in the sea 🙂
The men telling you this is okay are justifying it because they do it or want to. The women telling you this is okay are currently doing it and can’t see daylight right now. This is a huge red flag. I’m sure you’re great, but you’re nothing compared to who you’ll be when you’re 30. And he doesn’t want a mature 30 year old woman for some reason. Would you think of this differently if you were 17 and he was 30? What’s the real difference between a 20 year old and a 17 year old? This man wants to date someone that can’t even legally have a glass of wine with him at a nice dinner (in my country). Major red flag. You will end up being objectified by him and this is the type of man who could become very controlling. Wait until you’re 30 and he’s 43 and try again then. Because I guarantee he will still be single.
Key word is: could. Yes, he very easily could. The chances are much higher than with a guy your age range.
To me, a guy actively looking for girls this young would be a red flag too. (And setting his age range this low definitely counts as ‘actively looking’). It’s definitely weird and unusual. I struggle picturing the two of you in the same life stage. Moreover, looking for girls your age raises the question why. No matter how mature you are for your age, it’s probably not as mature as he is (or should be). I think he either struggles finding women closer to his age range and tries picking up younger girls, and/or he might look for someone more vulnerable.
That being said, he might be perfectly decent too. But if you’re starting to actually like him, I would trust your loved once more than your gut. Pink glasses will make you miss red flags that are clearly visible to others.
If anything I’d say he’s probably immature and has some growing up to do, that’s why you seemed to have hit it off.
Yes it is. No mature guy would set his age range to 20, sorry. I’ve seen so many posts on dating subs and relationship_advice subs about relationships with similar age gaps, and 99% of the time, the woman is being taken advantage of. If he wanted to date an equal, he wouldn’t be dating a college student at 33. Trust me, when you get to 33 you will wonder how you could ever be attracted to a 20 year old and want to date them.
Honestly if you met a 33 year old in the real world, say through friends, hobbies, even work, and there was mutual attraction inspite of the age gap, then so long as there isn’t a power divide then that’s one thing. Sometimes people do hit it off. But, setting your potential ages to 18-20 when you’re in your 30s is definitely a red flag.
There are a few reasons that dating with a big age gap isn’t a good idea at your age. One is obviously that you could be taken advantage of, but it’s more complicated than that. You’re young and just starting your life. You’re at an impressionable age where the region of your brain that makes decisions isn’t even fully formed yet. Someone in their late 20s or older has not only experience and knowledge over you, but they’re at a different stage of life. I’ve seen it happen a few times where a dude has fun all through his 20s, then decides he’s now ready to settle down, meets a 20 year girl and decides she should settle on his timeline. Often berating her for acting her age.
Another one is often because they’re older and earning more, I’ve seen older men asserting dominance and control. Expecting their young guideline to do more housework/traditional roles because they earn less. This is exceptionally unfair because how would she ever have a chance at earning if she’s being forced to spend her time caring for an older man?
You should enjoy being in your 20s. Don’t date someone seriously who’s already settling down, has baggage etc. Older men who date young women are not more mature, they’re not better in bed automatically, and they aren’t going to treat you better than guys your own age.
Have fun, explore by all means. But, you don’t want to be an accessory to someone else’s life. You want to be able to explore for yourself and be your own person.
Oh, and as a 30f seriously you’re not missing anything from men over 30. I’m sorry but the 2000s when we were teens were insanely sexist and homophobic and even the most liberal of us still carry toxic attitudes. I’ve dated older and younger. The young generation is what I dreamed of through my teens and 20s. All the work on gay rights, women’s rights, trans rights and anti racism shows in those in their mid 20s and under.
If his age range is set to 20 it a probably set to 18
You are 20 years old. Do you feel like a child who is incapable of deciding to date another adult?
Men who do this, generally suck. Historically the disparity puts them at an advantage in more areas of life, we still don’t have access to family leave and equal pay in most countries. Unless he is aware of this and supporting you in some way to compensate for that (even then, honestly that is the type of dynamic that should come from an employer not a romantic relationship) it’s a huge red flag.
Yeah it is. As a female in my early 30s I’d never date a 20 year old.
My marriage ended when my husband in his early 30s had an online affair with a 19 year old. When I read the messages between them I felt physically ill. It was very clear he was using her low self-confidence as a way to get closer to her, encouraging her to share secrets, acting as her protector etc.
I know you’re young and this guy seems exciting so it might be hard to convince you not to see him. Please, please familiarize yourself with [signs of grooming ](https://caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming/), particularly love-bombing and negging. Even if you end up not going out with him, they’re important things to watch out for while dating.
Yep
I would straight up ask him lol if you initially want to be in an open honest conversation, start now! Ask him, if you feel iffy on his answer, his reaction etc. you’ll know the truth. Just ask.
Now “asking him” would be best in person. Only you can gage what you’ll get from that first date.
Are you actually gonna take our advice or will you go your own way? From what I always see women who find grown men appealing is because they have more resources than younger guy and find them more mature, but a guy who sets their bar this isnt mature at all, any men will tell you this is pedo type shit even your father. You mentioned your mother and sister but not your father in your life which sounds to youre looking sugar daddy potential or someone who can take good care of you. But do you really wanna date someone who looks like an older brother next to you? Would you be fine dating some who is almost twice your age and will look twice as old as you when you’re older? Id say find you a guy your age and BUILD with him, not with an old man who is already set who women his own age might find him creepy thus making him chase younger women who are easier to get
In order to make an omelette you have to break a few eggs. My advice give the guy a chance. Pick a public setting for now, set boundaries and then decide on your own if he is as much as a match on social media as he is in reality.
Don’t listen to the age police. I wouldn’t assume anything negative based off just age, but keep your eyes open for the things you mentioned.
I’m 28 and talking to a woman who is 24 and I have moments where I feel uncomfortable about it. We’re in different life stages, I’ve got a career while she’s still in grad school. It’s not really that big an age gap, but I still get reminded that we’re not in the same place sometimes and feel a bit weird about it.
But the difference between where you are at 20 and 33 is huge. Is it legal? Yes. Does that mean something is wrong with him (possible controlling/manipulative behaviors) to the point that women his own age don’t want him? It might, you’ll need to suss it out yourself. I will say this, I was many times more likely to ignore red flags and accept an abusive relationship at 20 than at 28. I just didn’t have enough experience at that age to know the warning signs to look for and be strong enough to stand up for myself.
Generally the question is « why can’t he find someone his own age? » Are women his age too smart to put up with his possible red flags? Is he only attracted to younger women and he’ll just be one of those guys continuously upgrading to a « newer model? » I mean this with all seriousness, you should examine your motivations for why your age range is set as high as it is to see if it gives you any insight.
I wouldn’t do it if I were you. I’d want to enjoy my youth with someone who is going through the same stuff, because it does put him at a slight advantage that he’s already conquered many of the challenges you have ahead of you. And think about it this way, even if everything goes perfect and you do get married and are happy together, do you really want to knowingly increase your chances of ending up in different life stages later?
Unless I already had feelings for someone, I wouldn’t deliberately seek out a situation where I might possibly form a mutual attachment with someone who will get older faster. Obviously if it’s already there, that’s one thing, but I would never try to find someone 13 years older than myself to date. His body will change sooner and he may need to slow down, but you might still feel like going. My ex’s parents had a 15 year age gap and they had a farm together. They used to manage it together, but now the full responsibility falls to their mom because it’s so much harder for him to keep up in his old age.
It depends if his range was 20 to above 33 or if it was 18 to 22….. or similar
That’s predatory and creepy.
Could be a fun hookup but no way is this going to be a healthy relationship.
I’d say most men in their 30s that date girls in their early 20s only want one thing and it’s not a relationship. I have a few female friends in their early 20s that has been in that situation and ended up getting dumped so the guy could date someone their age. So unless your just looking for something casual, my advice break it off.
How would you feel about dating a 12 year old?
That’s aprox the same age ratio.
Why yes, that IS what’s known as a major red flag.
Edit: 13 years is more of a diff than I’m comfortable with and I’ll be 50 here pretty quickly…
lol do what you want; the reddit age police exists to screech and fight. But familial advice is more important and actually worth listening to.
In the end though it comes down to what YOU think. Mum and sis won’t be the ones dating him.
I don’t think so. I’m 22. The man I’m with is 41. He’s also made it really clear that he seeks people his age, and hasn’t dated someone in their 20’s since he was in his 20’s. If you click, you click.
Go on the date, see how it goes. And if it goes, you can bring up the age difference at some point in time after dating for a while and see where his head is at.
I’d only be concerned if he had a pattern for dating younger woman. Some people seek out younger partners with the hope of finding someone more naive and easier to manipulate. Others just want arm candy.
You’ll figure out where he stands when you meet him.
You’re both legal adults and are capable of making mature decisions for yourself. Limiting your dating pool simply based off of age is immature. Even 30 years ago it was normal for men to be with women 10 years younger than them, and this is with women having the choice.
Some younger women don’t want to be with men in their age group because they view them as being immature, and this is a legitimate complaint.
TL:DR go on the date.
What is a good,genuine conversation? i’m really struggling with the online dating stuff and it’s killing me.