Dating : I’m Basically New To Dating, And It Feels Like I’m Not Seen As An Option

Dating : I’m Basically New To Dating, And It Feels Like I’m Not Seen As An Option

So, I’m a 22M, and it’s been about four years since I’ve seriously been with someone. It was the first person I’ve seriously dated, and I learned a lot from it. Here’s the backstory for some context, but you can skip the next 7 paragraphs if you want the TLDR (boy I’m out of control with the writing tonight.. just a warning):

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We met through a mutual friend who got oddly jealous of us getting closer. That friend didn’t wanna date me (although she seemed kinda flirty with me and others), but she did say at one point I was stealing her « only friend. » (not her only friend) Anyway, we basically told her she doesn’t own either of us and we deserve to be happy blah blah blah high school nonsense and before I even knew for sure how the girl felt, she asked me and so she told me over text to ask her out in person after kissing me while at the mall with friends. So I did.

After that, we were together a year before things fell apart. In that year, we lost our virginities to one another, I abandoned my female best friend, and I went on vacation with her and her family. We spent so much time together. We binged all of the current Doctor Who on Netflix, we had basically the same friend group, my anime club friends abandoned me for reasons unknown and caused drama just cuz I would spend time in my gf’s art class… And things were good… But also bad… For other reasons.

Near the beginning, I told my gf that I had gotten intimate with my female best friend before and that set off some alarms in her head despite me making it clear that this was no longer a thing. By New Year, she basically gave me an ultimatum- one or the other. I chose my gf, but in hindsight I chose wrong. I was a dick. And on top of that, she wasn’t cool with me trying to still be friends with an « ex » who I dated for a month and a half either. She called things cheating that definitely weren’t cheating and basically drove me to hide texts. She also gave me shit for having porn on my phone a few times and she regularly asked to go through my phone just to see if I had done wrong by her with her definition of « cheating. »

When this girl checked my phone, it was the single most stressful thing I had to deal with. Of course, now I know that these things were red flags- ultimatums, controlling who I could be friends with, watching my phone like Big Brother… I was so stupid back then. But I wasn’t the best either.

Her behavior pushed me to hide things from her when I wanted to talk to female friends, and even after she saw porn on my phone before, I got caught a time or two again like an idiot. After having sex for a while, there was a period where she wanted to not include that in our relationship, and I wasn’t okay with that and we argued about it. Basically, I didn’t know how to be decent to either my partner or myself in a relationship.

She was bad, I was bad, and our relationship was bad. It was a very toxic thing, and we only broke up when I went to college because I was worried that we couldn’t spend time together like we used to. It concerned me, and her only solution was to end it… And then she started getting cozy with another friend of mine still in high school, and I got jealous and tried to get back with her which didn’t last long because we still couldn’t figure out how to be apart, and she didn’t wanna try very hard to figure it out. Then on top of that we stayed friends for maybe 6 or 7 more months when she got a visit from an online friend (who she was obviously hot for) and sent me Snapchats of them hanging out including one where she was totally feeling up his chest.

We already agreed to go to comic Con together, but after it was over I told her we couldn’t be friends anymore. She went and dug up all the things I had done wrong by her and threw it back in my face like in all our past arguments. That’s another thing- she doesn’t forgive, and she doesn’t forget. I asked her how we could be friends if we hated each other. She mentioned « Well I’m still friends with ___, » (I guess someone else she has issues with?) and to me that’s not a very good answer. After that, I blocked her on everything. Haven’t spoken to her since.

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TLDR: My ex was controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, and brought out all the worst aspects of me so that I was also bad to her. I also didn’t know how to be decent in a relationship, and so our entire relationship was toxic. Even our friendship was toxic after we broke up. We dated for a year, tried to get back together four months after breaking up, broke up again, and about 7 months later I knew I had to end things for good. Haven’t spoken since.

I spent time after that being single but having interests in other girls I’d meet. For a while, I kept entering into bad friendships with girls and ruining it because I thought I was into them. Now, I’m not sure if I really was. For a while, I was just really lonely. Me and my ex were nearly always together, and we were very cuddly and affectionate. Losing that hurt like nothing I felt before, and I wanted to have that again.

Finally, when things went bad with me and a girl in a university club with me (one-sided feelings again plus drama involving another guy), we didn’t talk for months. During that time, I decided to just remain single a while and not ruin any other friendships. Soon later, I met a new girl who I found out was a lesbian. She made that clear early on, but we grew close and got to the cuddly point which is a point I was at once with my high school female best friend. Cuddling on the couch and watching Netflix became our default, and that was just how our relationship stayed. She helped me through some tough times in senior year where I struggled to finish homework and stuff. She’s the best, really.

But even with that, I know I can’t rely on her forever to give me affection and be there the same way a dedicated partner would be. That would be unfair to her. So… For a while I’ve been trying to figure out what to do. I’ve experimented with learning about the kink community, I’ve considered trying to find hookups but haven’t been able to do that, and I’m starting to think that what I really want now that I’m out of college is to find someone to date.

What I’ve been finding is I don’t know the first thing about flirting, and I’ve heard mixed things about using Tinder as an actual dating app. In my past experience, I don’t get matches. Or if I do, I don’t get to hold a conversation with anyone. I went on a trip with an organization, and I was incapable of flirting with this one girl I kinda liked and just… Really I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Even back in high school, my ex made the first move.

When I’ve talked to people, they say that when they get to know me they really like me and that I’m a cool guy. They tell me someone will come along who appreciates that, but I know it’s not about just sitting around and waiting for it to happen if I want to find someone. I know I have to put effort into finding someone or making it known that I’m interested when I do find someone. I just have no idea how.

It feels like people tend to like me, but nobody considers me as a potential romantic partner, and idk how to change that. I don’t know how to flirt or make my interest known. I’m an awkward guy so I need some advice. Where do I even start with trying to date? How do I make it known that I’m available and looking? I’m so out of practice, and I never even tried much to begin with.