Dating : Is there another way to look at this situation?
I (30M) have been trying to get in to dating for many years without any success. I have been on dating apps for about 6 years, I have been on matchfinder websites, I have gone to social clubs, tried to go out whenever a work group or personal friend has organized something social. I drink, smoke, and sometimes use drugs socially but never alone. I think I am very presentable, I am told I am very friendly and well-spoken. I see myself as a bit dry and dull but equally I’m told I’m actually very interesting and I regularly host parties that everyone seems to really enjoy coming to so I can’t be that dull. I feel a little like bragging here which is not good but I do think my interests and knowledge and hobbies extend across such a broad spectrum I really can offer something for pretty much anyone. I have had male and female friends go through my app profiles and the like and everything seems to be both well-presented and accurate…
Yet there is nothing. I have not met a single person in nearing 8 years. I repeatedly find someone I am interested in only to exchange a few words before they seem to think nothing clicks and move on to someone else. I have seen friends fall out of long-term relationships, date as a single person for a while, find a new mate, develop a long-term partnership, and now everyone in my social circle is starting to settle down and marry. Its not even a failure at dating its like I can’t even make it past those first initial barriers of chatting and making a basic level connection with someone before they decide they’re not really that in to me.
I am really at my wits end. I have long-standing issues with depression and absent self-esteem (I don’t really understand the concept?). I don’t want a relationship to get rid of these things but equally its hard to see anything positive in myself when my attempts are just met with this constant low-level rejection. Is it better to switch off and just hope I luck into something and don’t wind up one of those sad lonely people who’ve never had romance in their life, or is there something more proactive I’m just completely missing?
Cheers! Thanks for reading and thanks for any responses 🙂
Are you looking for hookups or a relationship?
A stable, LTR-oriented woman for example will likely be put off by the drug use, depending on what it is. But younger women in their « party phase » looking for hookups won’t be.
You’re unlikely to be able to cater to both demographics though.
You mentioned you have autism. This might be the reason you struggle. In online dating if the first conversations/dates are not good, most people move on very quickly.
I’d suggest attempting to find a partner from one of your hobbies instead. You mentioned you have a wide range of hobbies and interests. Perhaps you can meet people through those. This would offer you an opportunity to get to know someone on a relaxed fashion where they are not on rush to judge and move on, and then build a relationship from there.
Hi, it’s really hard to tell without knowing you, but at a very superficial first look I see a lot of « I this, I that » in your post, could it be that you need to focus more on the person that you are getting to know? Again, I don’t know you, it’s just a guess
This might sound strange
But do you see anyone regarding your depression and self-esteem issues?
Confidence can go a long way
How tall are you? Your answer to that question may be the answer to your overall question as well.
There is something you’re missing in your self analysis. A blind spot.
It’s likely in the way you interact with people. That’s my guess.
It’s hard for neuro typical men to get past that initial barrier, let alone someone autistic. It’s going to be very tough and I don’t know if it will be worth it to continue with the dating apps for you.
Do you watch porn/masturbate? Stop. /r/NoFap
Are you fit? Get in the gym and get some noticeable muscles.
Are you approaching girls at all, in a respectful, fun manner, and inviting them on a coffee date or something? If not, start.
These things are essential if you want to be the best, most attractive man you can be.. and if you want to date. The other option is to just turn the switch off and rise above modern dating culture and just focus on yourself for now until women are beating down your door.. then you can reevaluate if you even want a relationship or if you just want to enjoy their presence here and there while predominantly still focused on your own goals. But yeah, if you’re not attracting women, and you want to, something needs to fundamentally change and those first 3 steps should get you in that zone.
It’s hard to answer these without a photo. What is your age / ethnicity / fitness level / height?
Don’t be overbearing or jump right when a woman messages you. I’m not telling you to play games but there is something about not being too available.
You removed your comment. I found out having one fingered thesis length reply to you
Men are deeply affected by loneliness. Online dating does not work for every guy. You will either have to lower your standards or try a different approach. Godspeed
Widen your search by joining a club, group, event
I don’t know you well but I see 3 red flags in your post. When I see these things in combination, I don’t proceed further. I don’t want to be with someone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs recreationally. These are addictive behaviors, could indicate an addictive personality or attachment issues/unhealthy coping strategies, and they scream trouble to me. Others may not feel that way, but I wouldn’t make it past that in a profile or a conversation.
In another post you mentioned self esteem issues, SSRI and SNRI prescriptions, so I would feel you were emotionally unavailable (whether you think so or not) when this is combined with the addictive behaviors I mentioned.