Dating : Is this a mindset that people can relate to?
Background: I’ve (F20) had a situation recently where it has felt like something between a friendship and a romantic bond I am having with a man (M27). He may be playing me whether he intends it or not but for this post, this is not my focus. From what he has told me and given proof of, he’s the type of man that is close to his female friends. He gives them lots of emotional support and helps them with life crisis’. Naturally some of his female friends have feelings for him, to which he has to push them away because he doesn’t want a relationship with them, he just wanted to help, and is big on helping with his empathic nature. Now he is doing the same with me and has also made it clear that he does not want to lead me on and is not looking to go to that stage. Yet we are more than friends but we will not be romantic partners. To me it feels like some form of a non committed relationship: the sexual aspects and emotional support involved and he has also admitted that there’s chemistry and connection and that our sexual experiences together if they happen, have meaning and would be like making love. He also has some fbw situations with some female friends and says he can’t have sex without a connection, so he has some form of connection with those girls too. He wouldn’t allow sexual things to happen if I didn’t want, and I’m still undecided about that since I’ve caught feelings and it seems best not to go there. But he gives me ongoing real emotional support and wants me to open up and has told me tons about himself, as well as made immense effort to show himself as trustworthy. I just can’t fully grasp his mindset as consistent.
I see him as someone who wants to help and it is very much part of his passion, but I don’t understand this mix of romance that he is also putting in. I guess maybe I know the answer, and my plan is to cut the sexual stuff out and keep him as a friend if I can handle it.
What does everyone think? Is his mindset one which people here can relate to? I can relate to him if I minus off the love making with friends.
>Yet we are more than friends but we will not be romantic partners. To me it feels like some form of a non committed relationship: the sexual aspects and emotional support involved and he has also admitted that there’s chemistry and connection and that our sexual experiences together if they happen, have meaning and would be like making love.
« We’re friends and I dont want to lead you on…but if we have sex it will be meaningful and full of love. » Well, at least he’s honest.
>He also has some fbw situations with some female friends and says he can’t have sex without a connection, so he has some form of connection with those girls too. He wouldn’t allow sexual things to happen if I didn’t want, and I’m still undecided about that since I’ve caught feelings and it seems best not to go there. But he gives me ongoing real emotional support and wants me to open up and has told me tons about himself, as well as made immense effort to show himself as trustworthy. I just can’t fully grasp his mindset as consistent.
He clearly knows what he’s doing, and he’s probably been doing this for a while. Seems like a free spirited guy who doesnt want to commit, and girls get wrapped up in his philosophy. I feel like some women would be cool with this set up, while others couldnt handle it.
>What does everyone think? Is his mindset one which people here can relate to? I can relate to him if I minus off the love making with friends.
Its definitely not for everyone. If its not for you, don’t jump into it.
People like this exist, and thats just who they are. All you can ask is that they be honest about how they’re feeling. Assuming he’s not tricking women into having sex with him (which, he definitely could be doing this lol).
From a dude similar to this guy, he hasnt found where he wants to be in life but still wants to connect emotionally with someone.
I did and still « kinda » do the same thing, I had about 10 to 15 girls that relied on me for emotional support and told me I taught them things because yada yada. They love me, want to marry me, asked me to father their children.
The truth is, I had no intetions of leading these ladies on but I did unknowningly because I didn’t know where I was going or where I wanted to be in life. I felt burdened by the sense of commitment I established with these girls and thought it could lead to happiness by helping them. Don’t get me wrong, I want to help but I had to ask myself « is it worth this, are things going to change for the better? ».
I started getting better about this once my friend and I counted how many girls I was « casually » hooking up with and who I was helping emotionally, then I started realizing I was doing it to feel a sense of closeness to someone. I had to learn to appreciate what I had though. For me helping others comes naturally so I never thought about who helped me until it was to late. I was always grateful, but I never told them that because I put their emotionally needs over my feelings.
I also had to learn to identify my own feelings. I was hurt time and time again by girls I helped and was nice to, only to watch them run back to some asshole because I didn’t know how to tell them how I felt. The cycle viciously repeated itself, girls would come and go in my life and it made me feel unimportant after helping them.
I had to establish boundaries, being an empathetic man with a history of abuse, violence, etc, I want to help those that need help, which I do when I can still, but I had to learn to draw my comfort zones and not get caught up in their emotions before it turned into an emotional burden that prevented me from moving forward with what and who I want to. In essence, I looked after everyone else that I forgot to look after myself and what I need. It’s not a bad thing that I did this, but I had to learn that my needs need to be taken care of too.
I slept with a lot of girls along the way too, it wasnt until I was older that I learned I was doing more harm then good by sleeping with them. It ignored the root cause of the issue for the sake of their ego or a momentary fix of happiness.
Is he equating sex with love?
What aspect of his life makes him feel the need to sleep with multiple women? (If the answer is ego driven, leave. You’ll only get hurt. Trust me, I’ve done it to women when I was younger.)
What aspect makes you want to save him?
Why the desire to have him commit to you? I give this question with a warning that you should make sure the desire for him isn’t due to competition from other girls and the desire comes from a good place with good intent.
The only person you need to convince when answering these questions is yourself. I want you to know this.
Honestly, your final sentence there makes it sound like he makes you feel normal that you have emotions, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Relating to human feelings with a feeling of « its ok to feel, even if its irrational » is important.
From a player aspect though, he’s giving you the decision so he’s scott free to do what he wants. I’m not saying he is doing this for sure, but this is a real possibility from the information that you’ve given.
Do what you feel comfortable with and ask yourself why along the way.
Iiiii dunno lol. I’ve done a bit of this. I don’t really want a relationship (or didn’t for a long time). There are girls I see as friends and don’t want to sleep with. There are girls I’m friends with that I do. Honestly sometimes I’m just friendly and let people talk about their problems. I don’t really care, so long as it isn’t hurting them. I just listen and offer advice, and usually I just listen. If you want to sleep with me, whatever, but if not, there are plenty of others that do. I might make more time for them than I do you, but that’s me making time for myself. I sleep with several women, even do hookups, but emotional support is almost always part of the package. That’s just how it is.
It’s ironically the only way to tell if he’s using you for sex. If he suddenly cuts you off or goes dark after you say no more puddy, then you have your answer. But honestly there’s nothing you can do. You’re in no position to argue lol – sounds like you are getting confused and he’s getting what he wants. If you value his support, you may have to keep sleeping with him.