Dating : I’ve levelled up and didn’t expect this?
Just looking for some advice. I’m a late 20s woman and I’ve decided to stay single out of choice for the last 2 years. I was in an unhealthy and toxic relationship for 6 years and being honest I was a bit of a doormat for this person. I was cheated on , manipulated and over the years people in my life would comment on how much of an unequal relationship it was. I was chasing for commitment that never came.
I’d finally had enough and decided I didn’t want to live life like that anymore and left said person.
The last 2 years I’ve “levelled up” , been to therapy , worked on myself , gained confidence , travelled and excelled in my career. I’m happy with the person I have become and I’ve felt ready to dabble in dating. I’m not a casual sex dater and would prefer to get into a stable , healthy relationship and I know the qualities I’m seeking in a partner.
I approach dating as just getting to know someone usually without anything sexual until I’m ready but date multiple people as it’s really just meeting up for actual dates in public places.I like to feel like we are going in proper dates and old fashioned in the way I expect a man to court me first. I’ve struggled with dating apps as it doesn’t seem to suit my slower style.
The thing is I’ve found a few guys now will make an assumption and small comments about how I come across as an independent woman and that I am sleeping with a few men. I’ve had a guy I went on two dates with say that I come across confident and he bets I have lots of guys. Another who I got to know slowly and had sex with as it felt right and afterwards he became distant and made a comment about being an independent woman who enjoys sex?! (Are women not meant to enjoy sex?!)
I find it baffling I’ve went from being an admitted doormat for a man and now I am a bit more confident in myself and much healthier emotionally , there is this assumption by some of the men I’ve met really don’t like that I’m slow to get to know them and actually dating to see what my best match is. This has meant some men I’ve met are just not for me and I’ve had various reactions to rejecting them.
Just an example I met someone I went on a few dates with and they said they wanted to keep it casual as they weren’t in a place in life for anything else. At the time I wasn’t either so I agreed and we had a nice time and moved on mutually as life parted. A few months later I got a message from him basically asking if I wanted to be in a relationship. It was out of the blue and I was in a different country for work at the time so I said sorry not for me. I got a message back saying ah keeping your options open for other guys.
I’m very much of the mind that commitment shouldn’t be forced and I don’t chase a man for it anymore. I effectively don’t commit myself if there are no signs of it from a partner and in these situations above no one I’ve been dating has given me indication of commitment but gets pissed off when I’m not giving it back?
I just feel I am judged for actually enjoying being single and not in a rush which I wasn’t expecting.
Any advice from an outside perspective?
Those guys sound like they’re projecting their insecurities onto you.
Granted I haven’t met any of these dudes, but they sound like folks who have had it easier in the dating scene and haven’t been told no to a whole lot. (Hence then comments like “ah keep yourself open for other guys” comments).
What a lot of people don’t understand is that just because someone is really attractive, doesn’t mean they sleep with a lot of people. In fact in a lot of cases they don’t because if they did they fear it would devalue them personally or socially. It sounds like your situation is one where things just weren’t going to work out so they wanted to make you feel shitty because they did or as some fucked up “Hail Mary” play. I don’t think you should feel bad about how those turned out.
It definitely sounds like you’ve leveled. In fact I don’t think that does it justice. You freaking prestiged! It’s great that you’ve developed yourself and become such an engaging, interesting person.
Don’t let those folks drag you down!
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Imo, you this. You know what you want and your comfortable with it. Yes, you will have situations, challenges and people like you mentioned but there is also a possibility you might find someone who dead ass likes what you have become. I would say be true to yourself even when the whole world judges you. In the end you will have the satisfaction of pursuing what you believe in.
People who are true to their beliefs and confident have a special aura about them.
P.s. – it’s easier said than done.
I 28(F) recently got out of an, also toxic, relationship. I don’t have any advice for you, but oh boy can I relate to you..I am also confident, do well with men, am attractive, and okay being single (for the most part lol). Just like you, I prefer a traditional courting and to be taken out on proper dates and take things slow both physically and emotionally. After rejecting a few men, I have been told I wasted their time, I am disrespectful and inconsiderate, so many harsh accusations simply after denying their advances. If you want to ever just chat, feel free to DM me.
I think the guys need to level up from what you’re saying. Seems like they are intimidated by your independence and self confidence. I’m 30m and have just gone through a tough breakup a few months ago myself. The last woman I was with was similar to you in that she was self confident and enjoyed sex. A lot of guys just don’t know how to handle that. I think you’re doing the right thing and are doing well to communicate your desires and boundaries. It just takes time.
Maybe you need to level up on the men too, these ones seem less progressive than you are.
To be blunt, it sounds like you give off ho vibes. Not by anything you posted, but with multiple guys basically saying that, there’s gotta be something to it.
I would be ok with taking things slow. But taking things slow with multiple people would make me feel like a clown
I’m 35(divorced; domestic violence victim) and guys still do that. Before I met my boyfriend(and here’s to hoping unplanned distance doesn’t kill this) I had men tell me the exact same thing. They also said I couldn’t possibly be expecting more dates without having sex when they found out I meant what I said either….
I’m a little confused by the narrative/facts of the case
> This has meant some men I’ve met are just not for me and I’ve had various reactions to rejecting them
Are these the same people as in the first part, or different people? It seems odd that they’d complain about you being confident/assuming you are playing the field, but then NOT actually want to stop seeing you until you broke up with THEM?
Like if they didn’t mind, why did they even bring it up? Maybe this is why you’re confused too, lol. But I feel like I’m just reading it wrong
Your power level is over 9000. It’s time to go further beyond.
Sounds sensible and mature to me.
Insecure and projecting.
Their comments show that they feel worried they have to compete for you and they’d rather make comments to get you to bend over backwards to give them peace of mind instead of actually work towards an exclusive relationship (if that’s even what they want).
I would say that I can’t really see an issue with your dating but of course you’re going to get a few assholes in the mix. I wouldn’t let it affect you too much as long as you’re happy as you are and happy being single until you meet someone genuinely compatible with you
This may be heavily dependent on your location as I’ve never really come across men who didn’t expect women to be independent. But I do feel this somewhat conflicts with your previous statement about wanting old fashioned courting. Maybe this might be where the incompatibility is?