Dating : Just lots of questions
33/f here. Started dating a guy 35/m three weeks ago. I’ve been single for 2 years. He’s been separated for 6 months. Both of us were in 10+ year long relationships before becoming single.
1.) What exactly does the term « talking to » even mean?! He says all his friends know he’s « talking to » me. Is that a cop-out for saying we’re dating? Or he doesn’t consider us dating? I know I should have asked him what he meant but I didn’t because it wasn’t until after the fact that I realized I wasn’t sure what it even meant. My 8th grade students use this phrase. Am I over-thinking?
2.) What’s everyone’s opinions on a normal amount of time to spend together at first? We spent 2 nights together and when I asked if he wanted to do something on the third night he said he was exhausted and just wanted to catch up on sleep. I was hurt but kind of relieved. Do I leave it up to him to make our next set of plans since he shot me down? We have seen each other on average 3-4 times each week. I would say he has made most of the plans.
3.) The other night he said he wanted to take me to a nice dinner. His nights off he has his son, he said he’d get a babysitter so we could go somewhere nice. We didn’t set a solid date. Is it wrong of me to bring it up and ask when we’re going to do that? Because I’d really like to.
4.) He has lots of female friends. One was going to meet us at the bar the other night but she never came. Her boyfriend doesn’t like the friendship she has with my guy. The 2 of them went to lunch together last week, with a bottle of wine. Bothered me but I didn’t say so. When we were out the other night he was texting her and said, « I never got to give you your birthday hug! » And they said they love each other. I’m trying to play it cool with the friends but that bothered me. I made a smartass comment about his girlfriend. I was drunk. He was like wow I can’t believe you said that. Should I bring it up and and discuss it? I wish she had came out so I could meet her. Do I apologize to him for what I said? He talks to his friends who are women A LOT. I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive about this.
He’s been great to me. Goes out of his way to do nice things for me. Great chemistry in person.
“Talking” refers to when you’re seeing someone, but not having sex yet. Most people don’t consider this dating, because your just in the “getting to know each other” phase.
I personally would want to see someone minimum two days a week, or I don’t really feel much investment. You guys are seeing each other more than that, so I could consider that a good sign!
1) I consider the stages of dating in this order. « Talking to » or dating –> exclusive –> boyfriend, girlfriend –> engaged, etc.
Talking to likely means, to him, that you guys are dating but you have not had a talk about the fact that you are not seeing other people yet. You’re overthinking this. This is a normal stage to be in 3 weeks in.
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2) A normal amount of time is whatever feels comfortable. I would probably wait until he makes the next plan, based on your last time asking him to hang out, but that’s because I’m a little petty. If you feel like you want to ask to see him, just ask. Especially if it relates to 3) and you are asking him when you two can set a plan for that dinner date. A simple text like « What’s your week look like? We should set a night to go out for that nice dinner, so we have something to look forward to 🙂 » should do the trick.
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3) See above.
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4) This would make me uncomfortable, for sure. I wouldn’t bring it up with him again. Meet the girl in person, and suss out their chemistry. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you can bring it up with him (but not in the heat of the moment. Take time to think, and reflect and potentially write out what you want to say to him so that you don’t end up coming from a place that makes him react defensively). For now, maybe take comfort in the fact that this girl has a boyfriend, and your guy was single 3 weeks ago before you guys started dating. If they wanted to be together, they likely could have been when he was on the market. They may just be really good friends. I don’t text my guy friends things like « I didn’t get to give you a hug » and my guy friends don’t text me things like that, however. I would keep an eye on this but try not to read into it too deeply until you meet her and see how they interact.