Dating : Lack of sexual confidence with girls
I am a 22 year old male who is going through a frustrating time with girls at the moment. It constantly bothers and confuses me which is why I am desperate for any advice/help.
I have good social skills with guys and girls. I love socialising and making people laugh. I am confident talking to almost anyone in most situations but I am also an over-thinker.
Despite my good social skills, I have had very minimal sexual interest from girls. I have kissed a few girls (but not for a couple of years) but never slept with a girl. I think this in part because I don’t chase it and also because I don’t know how to capitalise on situations when I know a girl might be keen. I think this all comes down to my sexual confidence with girls and self-esteem. The lack of sexual attention from girls makes me self-conscious about my physical traits and makes me think that there must be something wrong with me for no girls to be interested. While I might not be the best looking guy in the room, I am not overweight or short.
Chasing girls sexually has never come naturally to me which is perhaps why I have had limited attention/opportunities but even when a girl gives me strong signals on a night out, I am all good at flirting etc until it becomes crunch time to make a move. I always find an excuse not to, miss my opportunity or freeze and not know how to progress. While I am great at talking to girls and getting to know them, I never seem to be able to/have the confidence to take the next step with a girl.
In my own mind, I have always convinced myself that this confidence will come with age and that I should be patient but I am now realising that is not the case. The longer this drought with girls continues, the more my confidence seems to diminish. I think I had more confidence making a move when I was in high school. This is very frustrating and depressing as all my close male friends seem to have no issues with getting girls even though most of them have inferior social skills with girls than me. Everything else in my life I am pretty satisfied with (job, friends, uni, etc) so this problem with girls bugs me a lot. It feels as though I am in a really bad and unique situation which is never ending. I feel trapped and have a lack of hope of getting out of this rut.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
1) You’re not in a unique situation. The vast majority of men your age (Or any age for that matter) are very inexperienced when it comes to executing on escalating a woman’s interest from ‘Funny / friendly guy’ to ‘Please tie me up to my bed and have your way with me’
2) It’s basically impossible to have the confidence if you haven’t the experience.
3) Being hotter will help tremendously, so you can improve that area much easier than you can improve your skills. It’s like being below average is like mission impossible. Being average is like trying to get your first field job out of uni. Being above average looks is like a relatively rewarding experience where you have the occasional good things happening. Being top 10% means you basically do whatever you want and they still want you.
4) Actual practical advice though: Mindset helps a lot here. Women like sex just as much as men if not more. Imagine how hot it would be if a girl you liked just pulled you in while on a walk or something and kissed you. She might also be thinking that’s hot if she’s into you. Kissing is a super super easy barrier to cross. If you become amazing at kissing then basically everyone who kisses you will basically be ripping off your pants and be halfway to climax before you even begin.
Basic kissing tips: Manage moisture[Too wet is gross], don’t choke her with your tongue.
Intermediate Kissing tips: Kissing is like a tango. Read and react to your partner and sometimes let them lead a bit too. You adjust pressure, intensity, etc the whole time. Run hand up back of neck into hair, grab at roots, pull lightly, gauge reaction, adjust. Place other hand on small of back, pull in tight. These are good base hand positions. Obviously you will need to flow in and out of this position during the course of making out, but the idea is that what your hands are doing is VERY VERY critical to kissing well.
Advanced Kissing tips: Deescalate first. This one is incredibly context based and not for the inexperienced, but if you can read situations properly you’ll know if this makeout is leading to fucking or not. If you can determine that a deescalation WILL inevitably happen then you should be the one to execute it first. More critically, you want to pay VERY close attention to if someone looks to be starting to get uncomfortable, or less aroused, and you want to act before they have to tell you to act. In some cases this means a complete disengage, and in others it means just reverting to a slightly less intense state. The benefit to this is that there’s a certain truth to ‘keep them wanting more’ but more importantly, there’s trust built in that you are able to understand their signals and respect their wishes.
if you are great at flirting and you come to the point where you should make a move … you are in a better position than a lot of men.
you have to bite the bullet and just do it … its just sex. people had sex for thousands of years.
What are you looking for? A hook up? Why not just date a girl? You’re way more likely to feel self conscious around someone you’re not that close with. I lost my virginity to a gf a few years ago and we were like best friends. No stress.
This could’ve been summed up in one paragraph. I just read the 3rd paragraph since the i have no idea what that second paragraph has to do with anything.
So in the end just like this essay, you overthink too much and have no confidence to the point you freeze up. I think you have body image issue. I dunno what other help you are seeking here since by your terms, you consider to be a good looking guy with GREAT personality, have everything going but *when moment strikes, you freeze up. If you need few people to tell you, « don’t worry about much, go for it. Is she rejects you, stop and try again with someone else. » Then, here you go.
*You went on full edit mode but still couldn’t sum it up, lol.
I refer you to my answer to a similar thread: https://reddit.com/r/dating/comments/nqqlvw/_/h0c47di/?context=1
Try staying focused on pleasing the girl you’re with. If you can stay through the heavy petting stage, sometimes the girl will take over and move things forward.
Try befriended lots and lots of people. It will boost your confidence and it will be easier to get to know girls . Join groups or activities that have a lot of girls in them . The rest will come on it’s own .
Never came naturally to me either. Infact, I grew up without a dad, so I had to learn (ongoing process) how to be a man myself, merely.
Nonetheless, I’m 21 and I’ve had a good share of sexual experiences. Perhaps one thing that helped me was my own personal belief..”don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks”.
That obviously transcribed to confidence, maybe a bit of stubbornness and inflated ego, but it sure did help with the ladies.
I wasn’t a winner in high school even – all of this has been pretty recent. Since like, 17.
Honestly all I can say is to be true to yourself. If you’re not putting up a front for some chick and she actually digs you, then you can confidently be yourself with her (as it should be), and she’ll like you for you.
Hopefully this helps a little bit.