Dating : Lost, not sure if I should be dating, feels like everybody is taken, can’t meet anybody who interests me anymore.
I’m 26 (M) and recently had a lot of ups and downs in the relationship world that has finally led to me seeking the wisdom of internet strangers. About 2 years back I ended things after 3.5 years with ( in hindsight) somebody who was the love of my life due to long-term distance and she used hatred to help herself get over me, she still hates me. Then a few months later, to cope with the loss, I dated a girl for 6 months who I treated like a queen for a little while then backed off because we moved too fast. Eventually, she said that I was being distant and broke up with me. She proceeded to toy with my heart for about a half-year by fishing for my attention and texting me even when I told her I couldn’t handle it and asked her to leave me alone. I finally blocked her about 6 months back.
​
About 6 months have passed since I finally blocked her, so it’s been a year since I’ve technically been single. I tried dating apps for a while (mostly as a distraction, I think), and found absolutely nobody that interested me–except one girl who turned out to live in New York and flew out the next day. Now, it seems like my dating apps just keep pointing me back to all the people I’ve already said no to, so I gave up on those. Meanwhile, I have friends who have dicks with brains larger than their head that seem to be getting with every beautiful girl in the city. No matter what advice they give me, I can’t seem to follow it because I can’t find a connection with anyone.
​
I decided to take dating into my own hands and get off the internet. I started going out and meeting people, re-kindling relationships with old friends, meeting new friends of friends, but have found no prospects. I’ve expanded my friend group, been to outings and started new hobbies, I got a new job. Nothing. Every single girl that I bump into that makes my heart flutter, that makes me want to charm her and fall in love again… turns out to be in a relationship. I am starting to feel like I’m at the end of my rope. On days like today, I just want to unblock my ex and just say hello for some attention just because I know I loved her once, or message the girl that hates me now just to get scoffed at–it’s negative attention, but it’s attention from people I once really cared about and know I can get along with and feel something toward and want to put my time into.
​
A part of me thinks I’m just meant to stay single longer and continue working on myself. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve heard so many opinions that it’s gotten to the point that opinions have just become the shouts of baboons. They all tell me to either alter my dating profile or talk to strangers, to put more time into myself or to be more of douche, to hook up with girls even if they don’t interest me, to reach out to old friends I didn’t even ever like.
​
I’ve been described as the most social-anti-social person in my friend group because I make friends with everybody even though I hate talking to strangers or going to parties and events–but do it all anyway. I’m always participating in new things and going out of my comfort zone even though I hate it (I just love to learn).
​
I’ve got a lot of good qualities and I’m not bad to look at. I’m so lost and at this point, I’m reading this over and realizing that I might just be venting but, for the love of God, somebody tell me something I haven’t already heard.
There’s a lot here, so let’s begin…..
It seems like you are an introvert, not antisocial. You recharge alone as opposed to from other people. There’s nothing wrong with that. Good for you, pushing yourself out there.
It seems like a lot of your dating has been due to rebounds and not because you’ve met someone awesome. We’ve all either dated one….. or were the crazies.
Online dating is hard ass work. Kudos for giving it a shot. Kudos for figuring out that doing things you enjoy and being social-is a better way to meet people. Keep going out, but stop looking. Let it find you.
Next, if you choose to seek, try getting outside of your immediate city.
I can relate to this so much. I am on mobile so I won’t spend time validating that statement other than saying, I’ve experienced a lot of the same things. The advice I can give is: you’re doing all the right things in the wrong way. It’s not about just doing new things or meeting new people. It needs to be targeted.
Ask yourself: are the kinds of people who are into xyz the kind of people I am attracted to? Is someone who is into xyz a thing I find desirable? Are my friends the people I find most interesting mentality wise (not hobbies or interests, those are different)? If no, to any of these then start there. Also, think about what qualities you liked in your exes and places those kinds of people hang out.
For instance, my city is mostly full of hippies and outdoorsy types. I like the outdoors but it’s not the only thing I enjoy. So I look for the other things that are more rare. Curiosity, love of learning, drive, likes cultural exploration (not travel for the sake of travel) and I do more intellectual activities to find them.
Be true to yourself and get over your loneliness. If you’re anything like me, you benefit more from quality over quantity. Focus there to create deep friendships which can help your loneliness. The guys with dick for brains that are « successful »? Get one drunk and ask if he is happy. Usually, they are trading sex for genuine affection. Just don’t contact any exes, it’ll make it that much harder to move forward.
Places I’ve had general luck? Coffee meets bagel, inner circle. Meetup.com join the general social groups. I’ve met new people each time I go and usually 1 in 10 is at least interesting.
This was a bit meandering but hope it helps.