Dating : Most confusing moment of my life
So hi all, I’m going to bring you along to get a glimpse of my personal dating issues.
So I am 18 [M] and have never really dated anyone until now. I met this girl through a friend and she became a part of a group of friends that always go out on Fridays and so on. I admired this girl because she is so pretty, is always open for everything (drinking, drugs and other interests). You could say that she was my « dream girl ». One night we went to a friends house to take Mdma and we really all opened up, but more of a group thing (we were 4). I then told her that I never really had a girlfriend and she asked me if I wanted to make out with here. We then did our thing and it was Amazing!! (Probably also because of the drug for the people who are informed about it). From that moment on she became my only thought and to be honest I got obsessed with her. We always continued to go out in the group and I saw her regularly, but in a way we never got to truly connect again. I then once told her that I had a crush on her and she replied that she also had one on me. You might think that this is amazing, but from that moment on things became more bizare. I asked her out on a date and it was amazing in a way, but I never got to really connect with this girl. When we are together, there’s always some sort of awkwardness in the air and even though I’m trying really hard, it’s like we’re not on the same wave length.
At this point in time I’m really questioning myself and know that a deep insecurity of mine is to talk to girls. I can be really chill with girls and my friends and people like to hang out with me, but I’m really bad at talking to girls in a « dating » way.
In conclusion, the whole situation is really weird and I have talked to her about it, and her answer was : »we don’t need to force anything, we would see ourselves anyways when we go out on the week ends. Maybe a true something will happen anytime » (it didn’t seem like she wanted to go on another date with me).
So what should I do?? Because I serioulsy have to think about her all the time and I often can’t sleep because I constantly build up fake scenarios and overthink about her. Her response really confuses me because it leaves me waiting here and I know that when I’m left alone with my thoughts it’s very unhealthy for me, so a clear response would have helped way more…
I really don’t have a friend to talk to about such things because It’s hard for me to really open up to someone like that in person…
> I’m trying really hard, it’s like we’re not on the same wave length.
It may be sad but that can happen. This is why people do dating in the first place. To find out whether they are compatible with each other. Not everyone is. People only really feel connected when they get the same emotional response to any impression.
_Maybe_ your dates were simply too boring insofar that you couldn’t have ended up in a situation in which you actually had an emotional reaction to anything important. Then simply change the location to something with much stronger impressions! For example I was completely blown away by the appearance of nature in the Alps and in Norway. I can get totally lost in that specific blueish color from molten glacier water, in the lush green forests spotted with colorful flowers everywhere and the giant sharp cliffs of stone, all covered in either bright sunlight or powerful thunder. If I had the chance to ask a girl that I want a serious relationship with out on a trip to one of both locations or a similar one I’d totally do it even though such a trip costs a few hundred bucks or maybe a thousand for me. I would want to see whether she feels the same.
Now don’t think that you just have to find out what she likes so you could present it to her. You should pick something you really, really like and test her. Otherwise you might end up in a more or less empty or sad relationship. So the most important thing is that you get to know yourself.
> At this point in time I’m really questioning myself and know that a deep insecurity of mine is to talk to girls.
You can only fix that if you date more than one girl at a time. It’s ironic. The more you invest into one girl the more you have to lose. The more you have to lose the greater your fear of rejection. The greater your fear the less she’ll feel safe and comfortable with you and thus the lower your probability of having a good time with her and in the end getting her. Once you date more girls you have a safety net. She says no? No problem. And with that confidence you’ll have a great time.
> (it didn’t seem like she wanted to go on another date with me). So what should I do?
She didn’t say that. You still have the chance to get a really good date with her. Well, it might end up not so great but I’d suggest you keep trying. It may be better for you to get over her if it doesn’t work out at all. Then you’re both at least « free » in the sense that you aren’t trying to get together because you realised it didn’t work.
Girls/women who like you or have any kind of emotional attachment to you (like your mother, girl friends, sister etc.) generally won’t give you any clearcut answers or hard truths. Their priority is emotional support over truth. A statement like you don’t have to force anything and that it could take time leaves all options open to you which is the best kind of support she could give to you in that moment because it still allows you to be bold without pressuring you into something you maybe don’t actually want in the end. You are the man. You decide.