Dating : My (23M) friends keep telling me how « out of my league » my girlfriend (23F) is and it hurts me
I know this might not seem like a « problem » to many but it’s really getting me down.
I’m aware that I’m no looker, but I somehow ended up with a girl that is objectively gorgeous and I love everything about her. But literally everyone I introduce her to eventually needs to tell me how « out of my league » she is and it’s really starting to hurt my self esteem. I don’t understand why people can’t just compliment her without putting me down. It’s like a constant reminder that I’m not « attractive. »
When I say « everyone, » I really mean *everyone*. I don’t know if there’s a single person I’ve introduced her to that didn’t feel the need to tell me how absurd it is that she’s with me. It doesn’t help that she constantly gets hit on when we go out (something that never happens to me). I’m starting to feel very insecure about myself because of this, and I’m constantly worried that she’ll start to agree with them and move on to someone « better. »
I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but if anyone has had a similar experience I’d greatly appreciate some guidance on how to stop feeling like a piece of shit.
I’m not sure how helpful this is, but I’m coming from the woman’s point of view. I had a boyfriend that I loved dearly for years. He too would get these sorts of « judgements » that would weigh on him heavily. No matter how hard I tried to show him his worth to me, he could not get over everyone else’s opinions. It warped into his reality. After 5 years, I lost even though I gave it everything I had. Till this day, his argument for losing me is that he couldn’t love me because he did not « deserve » me. It left him sad and alone, left me broken hearted, and left everyone else uncertain what to do with these now sad friends. We both walked away feeling worthless. The worst breakup I will probably ever experience. (and I’ve been cheated on, not by him)
If you care about her and dont wanna lose her, then dont give a fuck what anyone else thinks. Trust her devotion to you. Her opinion is the only one that matters.
Okay, « everyone » is a jackass. Who the hell feels the need to say something like that?? SO RUDE. As to advice, I have three suggestions.
1. After they say that thing, smile politely and say, « thank you- so kind of you to say. » That should confuse them, and anyone with a shred of decency will realise they’re being an asshole. If not, they’ll blurt out something like, « it wasn’t a compliment, » and you just stare at them without saying anything.
2. If that’s too subtle for your homies, then another response is to smile mysteriously and say, « and yet, she chose me- guess she sees something you don’t. » You’re lucky and they bloody well know it!
3. Third suggestion: find a better crew to associate with. Like, honestly.
That’s funny man, because the same thing happens to me and I feel the exact opposite way. It makes me so proud when people say the same thing to me about my girl. I LOVE the fact that everyone thinks she’s out of my league. I thank GOD they say that shit because it reminds me; of both, how fucking amazing my personality is, and how beautiful my girl is.
My girl ABSOLUTELY is not with me for my looks. I know that. I wouldn’t be with me for my looks either. She’s with me because of my mind and my charm and my personality and my attitude. NOTHING can bring me down bud, absolutely NOTHING. Even if she broke up with me I’d still be me.
Anyway, hope my perspective helps. I deal with the same thing and I love it. It reminds me of how much of a beast I am that even despite my looks, my personality can overcome it and I can still get a girl like the one I got. It also gives me a reminder of how beautiful she really is and that women truly do love us for the way we are, not the way we look. Tell those « friends » of yours maybe if they were as good as you they could get a beautiful girl too. Then just bask in the glory as they all wish they had what you had.
Yet there she is.
They’re just jealous. Feel free to let them know what.
Just say “there is no such thing as leagues when you have a magic dick” they’ll shut up
Lol bro it just means that they are jealous, what other reason wud they keep trying to get u down like that. Just be glad man
Just wanted to add just because someone is someone is born conventionally attractive doesn’t make them a new tier of human being.
In reply you could just shrug and say “eh looks fade” or “oh I never really noticed” or “I’d be jealous of me too”. You could even flip it and say “yeah she’s not in my league but I gave her a shot”
If you wanted to be more crass you could say something like “well I know how to lay it down in the bedroom” lol.
Hope this helps, people all probably just jealous.
Enjoy the ride. Laugh it off. Embrace the ridiculousness. In the end relationships go way farther than physical attraction, ESPECIALLY for women. She will probably find you more attractive the more comfortable with it you are.
Also, most relationships aren’t forever so just enjoy it while you’re in it.
When people do this, it often says more about them then you. However, the intent can vary depending on exactly what they said and how they said it: a congratulatory « damn, you’re a lucky man to get a girl like that » is very different from an insulting « wow, I don’t know what she sees in you. »
To be blunt about why people think like this though, from the perspective of someone who really struggles with meeting women and dating, it *can* be pretty frustrating to keep seeing people you don’t see as particularly different or better than yourself have much better success. Seeing people you think are *worse* options than you get great women is even more irritating. It also happens because pretty much everyone thinks of *themselves* as a « great catch. » People tend to constantly compare themselves to others, so what these people are really thinking is « damn, if *this guy* could get such an amazing girl, where’s *mine* at? » Obviously this is creepy and entitled and I’m not trying to endorse it, but it’s hard not to think it in the back of your head on at least some level.
I was once your girlfriend in this scenario. My then-bf would respond to these comments with some innuendo about having a huge dick. It wasn’t true, but it was a funny way to respond to his friends giving him shit.
At the end of the day, she’s with you and that’s all that matters. Looks aren’t everything man. Also, a lot of people probably envy you which is why they are trying to put you down. You should learn to completely disregard and not give a fuck about everyone’s opinions.
Well OP, as a hardcore 7 that dates 9s & 10s, the only thing you need to know is that she is with YOU, not them. Don’t worry if you are not a ‘trophy’, or w/e. She likes you. That should be all you need to know.
also:
Haters be hatin’.
Just tell them you have a gigantic dick and they’ll shut the fuck up, shut people like that out of your life
You need better friends
Dude, you won the lottery. Enjoy it. It goes the opposite for many. She must like you for the intangible things. She’s a keeper man, stuff what anyone else says.
« I didn’t know jelly could come salt-flavored »
maybe don’t hang around those friends so much?
That statement is a compliment, not an insult. That you see it as an insult is a result of an insecurity that you have about your own appearance distorting your perspective and preventing you from seeing things as they are.
This insecurity is a part of you and you need to learn to manage it. If people giving you a compliment of this nature is getting to you, then I can nearly guarantee you that this same insecurity is already elsewhere in your life, distorting your perspective, and readying itself to do damage to your friendships and your relationship with this girl in some respect. This is exactly the kind of insecurity that will undermine and ultimately destroy a good relationship. And, worst of all, you’ll likely never realize it was the cause of any problems and blame something else in the aftermath. Now is the time to realize how much of a problem it is and to start working on it.
Don’t listen to the people here trying to coddle you, trying to tell you that your friends are assholes for saying this, trying to tell you to fight back with some witticism. No one is trying to neg you or hurt your feelings with this remark; the only person hurting you is yourself.
Thankfully, feeling insecure about your appearance is, for most people, a pretty easy fix. A large portion of attractiveness is the work you put into it. If you’re not fit, hit the gym. If you dress poorly, buy some better clothes. If you look homeless, get a haircut and learn to style it. If you look like a loser, work on your posture.
Use this as a metric for progress: You are not done working on this insecurity until the day comes when friends saying « she’s out of your league » makes you feel proud instead of belittled.
« She’s out of your league » isn’t an INSULT to you. It’s a COMPLIMENT.
Unless they know something you don’t…
On the other hand, if YOU feel like she’s out of your league, then you’re probably right.
You are the winner man. You gotta look at the positive side of things. Just get better friends and up your game. Better style, fresh grooming products/hair, and workout every now and then.
Then you need new friends. He sounds a little jealous tbh.
It reflects a pervasive devaluing of self, and a hyper-fixation on objectifying people down to shallow, observable traits. All of traditional masculinity does this, and adherents to traditional patriarchal femininity do it, too.
Subvert the pattern by being open and expressing your dislike of what they’re saying. I have seen it work countless times, men want to be open and wade deeper into self-awareness, but it triggers a lot of automatic cultural responses to cover for things like insecurity and enviousness to have had someone accept you, and who also happens to be an attractive person by traditional measure. By being open, hughing it out, and accepting them where they are at, over time they become subtly indoctrinated to a higher way of just being a person. Men need affirmation from the people they care about, men need positive encouragement more than just strict accountability alone to build confidence and accomplishment. Men are people, too, albeit ones who need to firmly and decisively support healthier ways of communication, conflict resolution, expectation setting, and deeper self-awareness.
Well, first, tell your girlfriend this to keep her in the loop with what you’re thinking and feeling. I’m sure *she* might have some good advice for you.
Second, I know it might seem hard to ignore everyone else’s opinion in relation to things, but if someone said this to me my response would be: « She doesn’t seem to think so, so *shrug* ».
sounds like you need new friends
Yeah, as an awkward teen I myself said, « Hey Dan. uh, your wife is an dance teacher and well, uh… ». Even I was intelligent and respectful enough not to mention her anatomically improbable measurements, nor to outright call him a tub of lard.
He said, « Attractiveness doesn’t matter when you’re swinging a big dick! »
I’ve pondered these words. Held them deep in my heart and plumbed the depth of their meaning and ramifications on my life and society in general. I think there is wisdom in these words. They have made me a better man.
She finds you attractive enough, so there’s that. One thing is for sure, she does not like needy men, because no one does. Wanting validation from others shows neediness. You shouldn’t give a fuck about what other people think about your relationship. Convince yourself of how cool and desirable you are.
Other dudes approach her? go talk to other girls, make her chase you.
And this is, in great part, why my ex and I fell apart. He was too embarrassed to bring me around his friends and coworkers because he didn’t want them knowing what I look like (he confessed after 7 years together). Yes, peer pressure continues long after high school is over but people never truly outgrow that high school mentality. It angers me still that his love for me was weaker than his pride in me but we broke up and after 4 years of licking my wounds I finally have someone who seems eager to bring me around others. We will see how it goes. Hopefully, if this new guy harbors any bit of shame in me, he won’t waste 7 years of my life trying to hide it.
If you’re over 20 and you’re still saying « out of your league » it’s time to grow the fuck up.I know hot ass girls who are nerdy as fuck. I know this girl who worked at Game stop, owns a Switch, 3DS, N64, All PS’, a badass computer, she can kick ass in Smash, and she’s good at magic and god damn is she hot as fuck. Skinny and fit. Loves talking nerdy shit, and she knows she’s hot.
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One day we are sitting outside, she asked me to join her, I don’t look bad myself either, I know I don’t. She says « I could quit my job right now and goto about 10 different stores, here at the mall, I could likely get the job at almost all those places. You know why? Because I’m cute and a girl » She’s not wrong either. Companies don’t care if you’re smart, they care if you will work for near fuckin nothing with shitty hours. she was a general Manager for a while of a game stop.
She’s not out of my league, she’s already got a BF if not married now to an equally nerdy geeky ass guy.
So really « Out of your league » is a teenage clique bullshit thing. If you like someone, just talk to them. Who cares if they are hot. What is « hot » is relative in the dating world. What you consider hot and what I consider hot are 2 different things.
They are jealous
Stop seeking validation of your self worth from people who don’t seem to have your best interests at heart,
I had a similar case, my friends were jokingly saying she was out of my league etc.
I don’t have any advice thro, but you have to be more confident. Trust your girlfriend more and yourself too. She didn’t become your girlfriend because some people told her you are good. So she won’t just leave you because someone is saying she is out of your league. After all, you picked each other in the relationship.
But if you really worry about that much, try to improve yourself as a person. You can’t change your look but you can learn how to dress up better and work out to look better (if look is what concerns you). Or you can improve in other aspects: be more mature, be more critical, be more caring, etc. Those are good values and they would make up for what you think you lack.
She’s with you for a reason, if she doesn’t give you any reason to doubt then trust her. Its gonna hurt her if you let your insecurities win. Best of luck!
2 things dude:
1. you should care appropriately given certain relationships. Friends j really love and admire are friends who’s opinions I value. Parents more, Gf even more (at a certain point in the relationship)
2. You should accept yourself. Maybe you aren’t handsome, so what… accept it. Clearly your GF is with you for some reason. You’ve got a great personality or you’re funny or maybe she just disagrees with people and she thinks you are handsome. Whatever it is, her opinion matters for your relationship with her, no one else’s.
I had the same issue! Sorry to hear, its shit. It used to make me feel that I had to be even more to my gf to compensate. It put me under so much pressure.
I am out of that relationship now and realise how much I let other people’s opinions get the better of me and how at the end of the day, because of this, I am the only person who missed out.
It’s easy to say, but I think youd really benefit on focusing on yourself, with out breaking up of course. Really focus on your good qualities and know what happiness and qualities you bring to the relationship. You will realise that looks have little to do with it and your girlfriend will be more attracted to you for this.
Good luck mate!
People are judgy, that’s their business. Your gf probably is not. She’s with you because you are the better choice. Embrace it. Think about it from her pov. What would matter to you more, someone who sees you as perfect or someone you can be yourself with, talk to, and have fun with?
The former is probably what she’s used to and honestly it sounds exhausting to have to live up other people’s ideals. The latter is a foundation for something that can last.
Your friends shouldn’t feel the need to put you down to compliment your gf. Envy is not a good look. Tell them about themselves and keep it moving.
Whoever tells u shes out of ur league is like a slap to the face. If it was me id unfriend them because those arnt ur real friends. Imagine if it were on the other shoe. In my head id be like « lucky » and move on.
Well, she likes you so it doesn’t matter what they say. Obviously she’s seeing something in you that she likes.
I would be flippant with them. « That was weird, but k… »
Maybe it’ll bring it home for them how rude, unsolicited, and inappropriate they’re being.
If it’s your own friends, « wow, what a douchey thing to say. »
At the end of the day your girl wants you so she thinks you are in her league.
Your friends are jealous because they can’t get a hot woman, pay them no attention.
Best advice, do not start being a dick to your girlfriend or start tearing her down to compensate for what people are saying. She likes and or loves you. She doesn’t need to have an excuse to want to be with you and you don’t need to prove that you deserve her. Your relationship is between the two of you and only the two of you need to be content with why you’re together.
Attempts to tear her down and bring her down to your level are absolute bullshit and will only lead to resentment. Are you happy? Do you love her? Is your relationship a good one? These are the only questions that need to be answered and only to yourself. Everyone else can just piss off.
Hit the gym, will boost your selfesteem. And fuck what the others say to you, what counts is that you love your gf and she loves you back
Dont dude.