Dating : My ex broke up with me after a rather short relationship. But I want to at least remain friends.
we broke up because of my hesitance (Im a gay in the closet)
it being my first breakup, it obviously hurt, but we objectively didnt get to know each other that much
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When we broke up, I told him that since he’s been acting strange, I kind of made my peace with it already (I made it sound as if I didnt care at all)
Which is not true. Not at all. When I got home, I finally realized what I had done and that maybe I couldve saved it somehow.
So I did another mistake, I started apologizing and trying to at least tell him that I cared and still do, and that I just want to meet him, tell him that in person, and just make it right. Im fine with being friends, but I dont mind more.
After 3 or 4 days of me messaging him, I wanted to send him something (it doesnt matter what) and asked him if its fine if I sent it. And if he did mind, he could just block me. To which he replied, that he doesnt want to do that.
Then in the middle of a night I got a text saying that he doesnt wish me texting him again.
I said to myself that this is it, is this what you wanted you idiot, now youve forced his hand. And was preparing myself to forget him. The problem is, I just dont want to. So I googled, found the no contact rule. Decided to give it a go. Since we didnt know each other long enough, I figured id go with one week. I wrote a letter, about 600 words long, where I said I acted badly, that I shouldve just let him have his space, told him I accepted our decision, threw in some positive things, and offered him that instead of trying to fix what is already broken, that maybe we should create something new, better if he was interested.
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when I sent him the letter, he first replied: « Sorry, Im not going to read it, it would just make me sad »
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I told him that I dont think it will, on the contrary.
He then wrote: « Thank you, its beatiful. But what I think I need is some time for myself. I also wanna apologize for how I treated you. I just dont know what to do, I really dont. I think I need things to calm down. But It really cheered me up, you have my thanks. »
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I wrote: « thank you, I did all of that because I had a feeling that when you said that youd get in touch with me that it just wont happen. And I will let you have as much time as you want to. Personally, its not my cup of tea, Id rather just talk and fix things, otherwise it bothers me and I cant let it out of my head. But its totally fine and normal the way you have it and I dont want to pressure you.
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To which he liked my comment.
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When he said that he didnt want to talk to me anymore, we unfollowed each other, so we have no contact with other. I know where he lives, works. I dont know any of his friends, he knows mine. But I dont wanna force myself by « accidentally » visiting his work. That would be obvious and kind of creepy.
I know I said that Id give him space, but im afraid that he will forget me. But he also said he wants to be my friend. I dont know what to do, whether to not text him, or to text him lightheartedly, or seriously. I can tell that hes still hurt, which surprised me, it was his decision. I personally want to help him, maybe he has doubts about us meeting again, I just want to reassure him its okay, no hard feelings. I dont think seeing him would hurt me, so I want to think its the same from his perspective.
To sum it up. I want to start a conversation, not an interview. I want him to confess his true feelings, his doubts, his fears. Because I dont know what to do, without knowing what hes feeling.
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My logic is definitely wrong, so please advice me on what i should do next. Im better with computers, where everything is black and white and you create the « in between » by combining both black and white at the input. Im quite sure it doesnt work that way in real life haha
Thanks
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PS: I know we barely know other. I dont know how to describe it. But I think my life will be better if we remain in contact, even as friends.
First of all, the decision is in his court, to be friends with you. He will either contact you or not contact you.
Also, it sounds like you need a lesson in consent.
If someone says they don’t want to talk to you, don’t talk to them. It is NOT your job or in their best interest to impose YOUR feelings to attempt to change their mind. By forcing it down their throats by being intensely emotional they might feel guilt tripped into soothing your insecurity and anxiety and be nice.
It sounds like your letter hit a chord with him, so you’re lucky. But no means no. With sex, with relationships, conversations. It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. It means they aren’t relevant to that person anymore.
Forcing friendship when there’s a lot of baggage, especially if you feel remorse, will put a lot of pressure on the friendship, especially if you’re not mature or confidence enough in your sexuality to stand in your identity and self.
Please do not contact him, even if you choose some timeline you think is appropriate. Let him make the move, and if he doesn’t, RESPECT him, and move on.
You can’t be close friends with a ex, when you have a new significant other.
It gets super awkward.
It wont