Dating : My Ex told me [M23] to stop being so sensitive and insecure while we were dating, since she said it’s a huge turn off for women. After that relationship, should I still listen to her?
Essentially, a few weeks into dating her I got extremely drunk and had a breakdown/started crying in front of her, saying how she was too good for me and that I wasn’t worth it for her. She got upset with me and told me that I should stop behaving like that since girls find it mighty unattractive, and it won’t help me in the long run.
Almost two years, plenty of bottled up emotions, several instances of her cheating on me and a difficult breakup later, I’m single again. Should I listen to what she said and keep my emotions in check when back in the dating pool, or is the sensitive side of me something I should show earlier on?
It’s hard to think that I should be so sensitive considering most women would not be alright with it, further limiting the dating pool. But at the same time, repressing yourself is a bad habit. I just don’t really know how to move on from this.
She wasn’t wrong. Insecurity in anyone is very unattractive and exhausting because the explaining and consoling will never end.
Neither men nor women can exist long around a needy person, even if you are compassionate because the other person is always draining you, wanting you to keep them feeling happy, which no one can sustain.
What you’re really wanting to know is, how do I keep from being needy and clingy?
The answer is simple. Find things that make you happy and do them. Don’t wait or need someone else to do those things. If you start pursuing things in life that make you feel fulfilled, others will see a positive person who knows what they want in life. That alone is attractive.
Now listen closely to this last part. When you find the next person, that next relationship, don’t stop doing those things. Don’t switch to them looking for your happiness.
This will help to stay the person they came to care about, and will sustain you if things don’t work out.
Take care. Good luck.
I wish more guys were more open about their emotions regardless of the emotion. The guys I have been with were never emotionally vulnerable with me because either they didn’t know how to communicate what they were feeling or they didn’t want to put their shit onto me and whatever we had ended because of that. This is just my experience. I appreciate a guy who can be open and honest about whatever he is feeling.
> had a breakdown/started crying in front of her, saying how she was too good for me and that I wasn’t worth it for her.
Yes, this type of sensitivity is a turn off to women, especially when it’s coming from a place of insecurity. It’s one thing for a woman to see a man shed tears for his best friend who just lost his battle to cancer, and another thing for her to see a man cry because he’s drunk and doesn’t think he’s good enough for her.
> Should I listen to what she said and keep my emotions in check
Yes.
> repressing yourself is a bad habit.
You don’t have to repress them, just find someone who’s not your girlfriend to tell them to. Think of a buddy or a family member.
She said you were too sensitive after she cheated on you?
I think you need to break down what made you feel so emotional about her being « too good for you », from an outsider perspective your mental state just seems really unhealthy.
You should never be in a relationship where you feel like that person is leagues and miles better than you, you should feel comfortable in your own self worth cause clearly you did somethings right to attract them.
On top of that were extremely drunk and most likely a hot mess; vulnerability and emotions are totally understandable but this seems overwhelming for a couple weeks in.
If this was further along in the relationship and you were sober and able to talk about it whilst being vulnerable then I think it would be a more understandable scenario.
You wouldn’t have that problem if you lived your life in a better way in the first place.
Why did you believe you wasn’t fit for her? Why did you try to wash away that/these problem(s) with alcohol instead of actually solving them? (Don’t answer me, these are questions for yourself.) The best way to keep integrity in front of your fellow human beings is to tell the truth (to yourself and your close ones) and follow it.
Look up Jordan Peterson on Youtube, he has helped millions of people in exactly the same situation as you.
There is absolutely no point in trying to hide your feelings, they would just spill over anyways. Deal with them correctly.
Okay so, I think she should’ve been more understanding, you were drunk.
As for the being sensitive part, many women like it but you should show it later on like at least after some months into the relationship and not after some weeks.
Showing it right from the start is just not the right timing, I’d be turned off too if a guy were overly sensitive/affectionate with words in the first weeks. I’d be like… Hey please slow down, you don’t even know me well yet, this is unsettling.
But I love it later on in the relationship.
>She got upset with me and told me that I should stop behaving like that since girls find it mighty unattractive,
>several instances of her cheating on me
Yes, you should listen to her.
Women don’t want to be your therapist, your mother, or your source of emotional strength. You shouldn’t have crying breakdowns in front of your girl man, if you need to do that, pay a therapist to listen.
When your girlfriend tells you she wants to see you « open up » tell her you secretly love puppies and got sad when your grandma died. Keep your insecurities and emotional break downs to yourself.
> a few weeks into dating her I got extremely drunk and had a breakdown/started crying in front of her, saying how she was too good for me and that I wasn’t worth it for her.
This is the most unattractive thing ever for a woman to hear.
First, regarding her as being too superior is not necessary but allowed and that is how less sensitive is achieved in a good way.
Second, your being too sensitive is a little tricky here. I can’t tell you anything more than that you should figure it out ypurself.
OK everyone here is heartless. I agree that insecurities are a turn off but people saying you need to bottle that stuff up is ridiculous. Everyone has fears, doubts, worries, random negative thoughts that can just get on the way for a while. If you’re making them front and centre that’s bad and if they take over your life get help. But breaking down once while drunk is a normal human thing. If a partner can’t be there to tell you, ‘you’re good enough, stop worrying’ that’s pretty heartless.
Your partner should not be your crutch but having feelings or insecurities shouldn’t throw your partner that out of whack. That just feels like the very old-fashioned way of thinking ‘men can’t have feelings.’
What would you do if your gf had broken down and said those things? Would you have told her that’s unattractive and to keep that stuff to herself? What would she have said to that?
Dude if you can find a girl who will cuddle you and let you cry in the moment, that’s someone worth being with. Otherwise they don’t deserve you long-term. As long as you are happy with your life most days having those moments is a perfectly healthy thing to do.
Edit: just saw that this was a few weeks into dating. That is too soon to bring her into the ‘I don’t deserve you’ thing and I can’t blame her for saying to not be sensitive but I think the wrong point is made here. Being sensitive is fine. Immediately projecting your insecurities onto a recent date is a big no no. If this had been after a few months when you’ve formed a bond maybe. Once you’ve got a serious bond formed I can understand the ‘you’re too good for me’ sentiment. If you’re projecting that within a few weeks you’ve probably got some serious self worth issues and sorting that should be your concern before dating. It’s good to feel, it’s good to be able to cry and not bottle emotions but you need to be confident in your own worth. Fix that first.
We like sensitive men. We don’t like weepy men. And yes insecurity is a turn off.