Dating : No-One Wants to Date Me. [22F]
I’ve tried everything; from changing my appearance (i.e. starving myself to lose weight, applying make-up, etc.), to using dating apps, to falling for close friends and / or acquaintances that don’t reciprocate the same feelings. Despite all of this, I haven’t gone on a single date.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, and before you judge me for not trying hard enough, let me clarify that there is a genuine reason for this. I struggle with mental health issues (depression, social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder). This hinders my ability to talk to women, let alone go on a date with one. I am also physically unattractive, which does not help.
For context, I am a lesbian. I understand that, generally, most lesbians aren’t picky. Surely, if women aren’t that picky on dating other women, I should have an easier time to meet someone. Right? Even if it’s only casual. Unfortunately, I’ve never been so lucky.
I recently went through a friendship breakup of sorts; I fell in love with her, but she didn’t feel the same way. The pain of not being enough for this girl, who is one of my closest friends, has been eating me up from the inside. We’re still friends, but I don’t know how long that will last. To be honest, I’m not sure I’m even ready to meet other women. But I’m lonely. So fucking lonely.
This is something I probably shouldn’t say, but I will do so anyway. **Trigger warning:**
I overdosed on painkillers a few days ago. After being rejected by my close friend, I had an overwhelming desire to kill myself because I didn’t think I’d ever find happiness again. I’m safe now, but it still hurts. A lot.
Is that pathetic? Am I just a lost cause?
I don’t want pity. I just needed to get this out.
Nobody (especially your romantic interest, whether you know her or not right now) has ANY of this figured out. I botched a suicide at 14 and now I have kids older than you. It honestly doesn’t get much easier, but good news, I never attempted again, even when my life was a burning cinder.
My advice? Be the interesting person that will attract another interesting person. You will be in a relationship sooner than you imagine, now stock up on an interesting life to share with her. Doesn’t matter really what it is, but go nuts on a hobby or volunteer for something or take up adult night kickball. Learn how to paint or waterski. I always start relationships when I don’t have time for them, and then shed the single stuff as a ‘sacrifice’ for the relationship. Women like that.
Hi, you! The issues you’re facing can be felt by anyone, regardless of their gender or sexual preference. With that being said, have you posted this in a lesbian forum? The number of available straight women is a much larger number, one has to imagine, and finding a partner is a frustrating numbers game most of the time. I’m sure thousands of people have faced your exact same hurdles and felt the same frustrations — right here on Reddit. I really do feel for you, because as a straight person with a much larger dating pool, it was still brutal for me for several years.
It’s going to be difficult to find someone to date when what you’re bringing to the table (the stuff you mentioned: anxiety, depression, and a disorder) is hard to handle.
Focus on improving yourself first.
Most people are not going to want to date a person with unresolved issues like that. They aren’t bad or exemplify poor character for that either. One’s partner is not supposed to be a crutch for their own shortcomings.
You are *not* pathetic *or* a lost cause! I really feel for you feeling lonely or not good enough because I get like that too. I also suffer from OCD, depression *(leaning towards situational depression)*, social anxiety, and body dysmorphia but if you’re doing things in an extreme fashion like starving yourself to be more “attractive,” let alone an attempt to take your own life you need to take some time off from dating and putting yourself out there. There are healthier ways than depriving yourself of food if losing weight is your goal. You need to work on your mental before even thinking of putting yourself out there by seeking professional help!
Being friends with someone you have feelings but they don’t feel the same is not a good move unless you’re truly okay with *only* being friends. I’ve been rejected more times than I can count and it doesn’t feel any easier each time but it happens to the best of us! While we can’t control who we’re attracted to, falling for your friend and continuing that friendship is disingenuous and not fair to both *you* or *her* and will make things awkward.
I doubt you’re unattractive, but I understand where you’re coming from because being rejected tends to make you wonder what’s potentially wrong with yourself. I feel that a lot but torturing yourself with guilt will only lead to more feelings of misery and breed it like a wildfire. Cutting things off is your best bet for your own sanity sake. It stings, but time heals all wounds.
In the meantime, you need to find ways of getting out of your own head. Go for a drive, a walk, go to the mall, or even see a movie. Don’t give yourself time to overthink.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please reach out. You can find help at a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
USA: 18002738255
US Crisis textline: 741741 text HOME
United Kingdom: 116 123
Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860)
Others: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
>No-One (that meets my arbitrary standards) Wants to Date Me.
Here, fixed that for you.