Dating : Please give me your tough love. I need to stop being an idiot. Thank you!
So here is my story I’m sorry if its long.
I have been « dating » this guy for over a year now. We talk every day all day. I don’t know if I’m blinded by my feelings but in my opinion, he shows me he cares and loves me in many ways. He shows genuine love for my daughter, makes sure we’re okay, tries to take care of us in his own way. just things like that. the only thing is, he refuses to see me. This whole time this relationship has been « virtual ». I’m not being catfished because I’ve met him before and we facetime often. I’ve expressed to him that I need more from him, I need the physical part of the relationship as well. He told me he’s not ready for the kind of relationship that I want and that he doesn’t see himself being with me. I told him I could wait for him to be ready, he says he couldn’t ask me to do that. says he rather let me go and let me find what I deserve BUT THIS IDIOT STILL WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND AND CALL ME SWEET PET NAMES AND MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL. Like he calls me every night and we sleep on the phone together, we have our own version of date nights, we have matching shoes GODDAMMIT!!! I know I’m being beyond stupid so I just need that tough love. As you can see I’m just in a dumb state. Please help but remember I have feelings.
This sounds like the movie “Her”. You have a virtual boyfriend; when you turn off your computer, the relationship disappears. Time to unplug and find a real boyfriend.
(Also, matching shoes?? What’s that about??)
First of all, you’re not stupid, stop hating on yourself so hard. You’re a valuable person who will find love and happiness some day.
However, online relationships are often doomed to fail – in order to be fulfilling, someone eventually has to move, which makes it super serious. Healthy pacing is super difficult with these kinds of romances because you stay at 5mph until one of you bites the bullet and suddenly takes you to 100mph. Which is a huge leap when you haven’t truly gotten to know them on a day to day level. I think calling it off is a good move, and I’d avoid anything like that again.
Now to your actual problem – moving from something that feels serious and real to just some kind of « flirt friend » thing is rough. If I were you I’d cut him out completely for a few months and only reinitiate when I was sure I was comfortable with a friendship, and at that time I’d draw firm boundaries on what I was comfortable with. Cut out anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Also, get out there and meet some men! I would imagine that’s hard to do as a single parent, but figure out how to find one evening a week where you can hit the town, go to events or bars or whatever your thing is. Nothing will help you pull your emotional eggs our of this basket better than other baskets. Be careful about entering a new relationship until this one doesn’t sting so bad, but go on some dates and such!
With the self deprecating remarks and the online relationship I’m concerned about the possibility of depression, too, there’s no shame in getting a therapist, your brain is an organ, take care of it.
Good luck!
You’re setting a bad example for your child if you’re accepting someone who unavailable to you. You’re telling your child that unsatisfied loves is valid and is the only thing once can be satisfied or settle for. You’re tricking yourself and giving yourself all sorts of excuses because you don’t find yourself worthy of immediate and available love. You’re letting someone use and abuse you by dangling the carrot in front of your nose. You have given him all the power and now you have none.
This is not love. This is not a relationship. This is emotional manipulation and vampirism and you will NEVER find true and lasting love if you continue to accept unavailable love as all that you’re worth. Get thee into therapy, and cut him off immediately. He doesn’t care enough to make you happy. Face the facts.
Have you given him any financial support?
Does he in any way repeat a pattern you’ve had in childhood? Unavailable father?
Remember that you deserve more than this
Sounds to me like he may be with someone else and your his sic fantasy mistress. Yeah, cut cord and start fresh. You don’t deserve to be strung along. Sorry if someone already said this.
GL
I read the post a couple of times, but I didn’t find an answer to my first question. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to move forward with the relationship? If yes, what did he say?
I don’t think you’re being an idiot. You care about someone. You deserve the truth, and someone who will want to be with you.
Also, tell him that the pet names make you uncomfortable. If he’s going to treat it like a friendship, then he needs to play by those rules and stop intentionally blurring the lines.
> He shows genuine love for my daughter
> I need the physical part of the relationship as well. He told me he’s not ready for the kind of relationship that I want and that he doesn’t see himself being with me.
Stop bringing bad men around your children unless you want them to end up just like you.
Nope.
this is not dating. never has been. this is one way arrangement and you know this. one could write long diatribes from this, but it all boils down to this. break contact or keep suffering. entirely your choice. this is not what friendship is, never has been.
he flat out refuses to accept your needs, but wants to have you HIS way. what do you think the pet names are for? they will come to the table every single time you try to do something sensible, and theres only one reason for that.
in fact he knows your soft spots very well, yet refuses to accept your needs. this is nothing but a way to keep you at arms length. yeah, yeah, he makes you feel special.
pause for a moment and try to figure out if theres a reason for that.