Dating : Reminder: don’t ask « what are we? » Instead, say, « this is what we are. This is what I want us to be. How do you feel about it? » Open and honest communication is key.

Dating : Reminder: don’t ask « what are we? » Instead, say, « this is what we are. This is what I want us to be. How do you feel about it? » Open and honest communication is key.

The title says it all. This applies to those who want to be in a relationship.

I hope you take the power into your own hands instead of giving it away to people who may not deserve your time, energy, and effort.


Read also  Dating : What am I doing?

What do you think?

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  1. Wow, that’s a really good way to word it. I try to be forward with what I’m thinking these days, but the right words are hard to come by sometimes. I’m gonna put this in my pocket foe later.

  2. This came up in a conversation today. A short time ago, a friend said that I should put what I want in my dating profile, which is a relationship. I initially waffled and said that I was fine with « nothing serious », but I told her that she was right, and I did want that. It has resulted in quite a few more responses. I think it is because I defined what I wanted, and I am looking for someone who wants the same.

  3. Is this “defining the relationship” thing quite new?

    About 10 years ago I met my husband, we started dating in 2nd year university (I think in the US you call this “sophomore” year – we were 19-20 years old).

    We never “defined our relationship”, we just kind of fairly organically progressed into commitment, after 3.5 years a proposal and 1.5 years after that, marriage.

    At no point in the 3.5 years before our engagement did we ever say “what are we” or anything like that. We definitely talked about marriage and children and all this but it was never formal.

    Is “defining the relationship” a modern thing that people didn’t do so much 10 years ago? Or is it a US-specific cultural thing? (I am not based in the US).

  4. Thank you for this, I’ve been trying to think of a good way to ask a girl whom I’ve been seeing for a while now about what she thinks about our relationship, as well as trying to tell her what I feel about her, And that’s a really great way to put it out imo, Imma go with this tomorrow.

    I don’t wanna ask for luck, because I can now finally put this agonizing pain I’ve been feeling to an end tomorrow!

  5. « What are we » is incredibly passive as well.

    Its like you dont have confidence in hearing an answer.

    Not attractive at all.

    Also clearly communicate your needs.

    No hints.

    No allusions.

    No assumptions.

  6. Pretty much. « What are we? » not only puts the responsibility on them but catches them by surprise. Plus it’s like a safeguard for not being upfront about your feelings at first to avoid embarrassment or being hurt. The worst thing you can do is shy away from making your intentions known. That’s why the magical « friend zone » appears in the first place.

  7. I wouldn’t do that because the man is likely to smile and nod to whatever you say, and then still treat you however he wants to. I kind of did this in the past and guys would basically just agree we were in a relationship but not tell anyone that. I always later found out he had several women on the side. You NEED to get him to talk about it and see what he feels about it so you don’t waste your time.

  8. Had back and forth with this guy of “what are we” and etc but finally blurred on the phone the other day that I wanted to be his girlfriend. Just straight up. He said he thinks he wants that too but wants to do it the right way (not over the phone). Get gets back from his work travel in a week…

  9. The timing of this post could not be more perfect. After four months of dating, I’ve been confused about what we are and I was totally going to do the first part until I saw this.

  10. I asked my boyfriend a question similar to this one after 6 months of dating and we’ve been together for almost 1.5 year now (1 year official). I was really nervous and had never really asked anyone this question, but I’m so happy I did. He definitely took his sweet time though lol.

  11. Had always in the past skirted around the actual straight up blunt asking. Asked blunt but nicely leave no room for interpretation about intentions like « maybe he just wanted to hang with me » makes things so much simpler and stops a whole heck of a load of crazy on my end of does she doesn’t she

  12. Some people just don’t care enough to tell what they really want. They will bid their time and get what they want, waste your time, and then suddenly leave. Leave you with tremendous amount of guilt and hurt, because you never really know what went wrong. You deserve to know. So yeah, communication is key.

  13. This just happened to me some months ago, i said to her “what we are?” and she end the thing, she said i was a 10 guy and she wasnt seeing other guys (cause if im ther no one is better lol) but she didnt have time for me right then and she didnt want me to waste my time or chances to meet another girl, still hurts, i wanted her to show me more love and that but turns she didnt want i think.

    Months after that she tried to be with me, in a party,both drunk, i didnt want, resentment i suppose.

    Now we dont talk and she seems mad at me and like im the one who hurt her.

    Looks like im pretty bad at relationships, cant manage them.

    Sorry for my english guys. Im from spain.

  14. Wow that says it perfectly. I always say the wrong thing and my relationship becomes into days of long fight when I want us to stop but i never know how to word things. I feel bad for always saying the wrong thing, not purposely hurting him. I just want him to understand but he just never get it.

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