Dating : Reminder: You need to have standards if you want to end up with someone worth your time

Dating : Reminder: You need to have standards if you want to end up with someone worth your time

And I don’t mean things like height or hobbies, I mean values

I’ll explain through an example: Last month I asked out a girl who works at a local used game shop. I thought she was cute, she said yes, we went out, had a good time, started hanging out more

It became clear to me that we would have no long-term future together. We have good chemistry and definitely enjoy each other’s company, but our ambitions in life are very different: I’m starting grad school this fall and plan on doing my PhD after; she’s got some community college experience and plans on going back to school « eventually »

That’s a big no for me – I think education (and ambition) is incredibly important, and I just can’t see myself with someone who doesn’t regard it the same way, let alone trying to start a family with someone who doesn’t value education/ambition the way I do

And yes, I know not everyone moves at the same pace and that some people do indeed end up going back to school and doing alright for themselves. But it’s fair to say that we all know plenty of people who didn’t, despite constantly saying they would/planned on it

There were smaller differences that I initially disregarded: she smokes pot, I don’t. She’s more of a night owl, I’m not. She’s a big gamer and spends hours doing it, me not so much anymore. These didn’t bother me at first, but when framed against the backdrop of « no ambition/plans to finish school », it started to paint a pretty clear picture

Do I think she’s a bad person? Of course not, that’s silly. She’s pretty sweet and fun to spend time with. But even if the relationship worked out for the first several months, there’d be a clash down the road over where our lives were headed

I’m sure I’ll get people saying « But you could make it work, there’s couples out there who have different levels of education! », and you’re right, I’m sure there are. These couples are an exception though – how many doctors or lawyers do you know married to someone with only a year of community college under their belts? It generally doesn’t happen. You’re right, it *could* work out. But that’s not something I want to risk and potentially waste time over, especially when I know there’s plenty of people out there who do share my values

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having the right kind of high standards. Rejecting someone because they’re not into a certain hobby or because they don’t meet a height requirement is stupid; rejecting someone because your values just don’t mesh is not

It took me a little while to come to grips with this. When I was younger I’d tell myself « Oh it doesn’t matter as long as we get along and they’re happy doing whatever they’re doing. » But I got older and realized, it does matter, and it matters a lot. I actually journaled about it and asked myself what values I look for in a person. If you’re struggling to figure out what kind of person you want, doing this might help you too

Don’t be afraid to have standards. It’ll make you more assured in dating and less likely to settle (please don’t settle). Even if you’re already in a relationship, it won’t hurt to take a step back and ask yourself if you and your SO share the same/similar views and ambitions in life