Dating : Reminder: You need to have standards if you want to end up with someone worth your time

Dating : Reminder: You need to have standards if you want to end up with someone worth your time

And I don’t mean things like height or hobbies, I mean values

I’ll explain through an example: Last month I asked out a girl who works at a local used game shop. I thought she was cute, she said yes, we went out, had a good time, started hanging out more

It became clear to me that we would have no long-term future together. We have good chemistry and definitely enjoy each other’s company, but our ambitions in life are very different: I’m starting grad school this fall and plan on doing my PhD after; she’s got some community college experience and plans on going back to school « eventually »

That’s a big no for me – I think education (and ambition) is incredibly important, and I just can’t see myself with someone who doesn’t regard it the same way, let alone trying to start a family with someone who doesn’t value education/ambition the way I do

And yes, I know not everyone moves at the same pace and that some people do indeed end up going back to school and doing alright for themselves. But it’s fair to say that we all know plenty of people who didn’t, despite constantly saying they would/planned on it

There were smaller differences that I initially disregarded: she smokes pot, I don’t. She’s more of a night owl, I’m not. She’s a big gamer and spends hours doing it, me not so much anymore. These didn’t bother me at first, but when framed against the backdrop of « no ambition/plans to finish school », it started to paint a pretty clear picture

Do I think she’s a bad person? Of course not, that’s silly. She’s pretty sweet and fun to spend time with. But even if the relationship worked out for the first several months, there’d be a clash down the road over where our lives were headed

I’m sure I’ll get people saying « But you could make it work, there’s couples out there who have different levels of education! », and you’re right, I’m sure there are. These couples are an exception though – how many doctors or lawyers do you know married to someone with only a year of community college under their belts? It generally doesn’t happen. You’re right, it *could* work out. But that’s not something I want to risk and potentially waste time over, especially when I know there’s plenty of people out there who do share my values

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having the right kind of high standards. Rejecting someone because they’re not into a certain hobby or because they don’t meet a height requirement is stupid; rejecting someone because your values just don’t mesh is not

It took me a little while to come to grips with this. When I was younger I’d tell myself « Oh it doesn’t matter as long as we get along and they’re happy doing whatever they’re doing. » But I got older and realized, it does matter, and it matters a lot. I actually journaled about it and asked myself what values I look for in a person. If you’re struggling to figure out what kind of person you want, doing this might help you too

Don’t be afraid to have standards. It’ll make you more assured in dating and less likely to settle (please don’t settle). Even if you’re already in a relationship, it won’t hurt to take a step back and ask yourself if you and your SO share the same/similar views and ambitions in life

Read also  Dating : Women, what would you wear for a date to a concert?

What do you think?

22 Points
Upvote Downvote


Leave a Reply
  1. I know what you mean. For me, it’s less of an education thing, and more that I need to be able to respect and admire my partner. Hard work and passion are things that I really admire, but in addition I need someone who is realistic and independant. Some people aren’t wired for the education system, that’s no problem. But you should still have career goals and a plan to work toward them.

  2. Good reminder and makes a lot of sense. You can’t change someone or expect them to change their lifestyle to fit into yours, yet you need to be with someone to encourage and support you to be the best version of yourself. This girl might be a perfect match for someone else, so you’re not being selfish about your needs by letting her go. You’re being kind, thoughtful, and intentional about your approach to dating.

    Question: What do you think about women with bachelors degrees? Do men that have a masters and working on PhDs only consider other women within the same educational tier, or does any degree that provides a well paying job fall within the comparable standard?

  3. What if you could help channel her passion into something she finds fulfilling? She likes gaming, maybe she could start streaming or something? Just asking.

  4. I’m the same way but I’m a woman with a master’s degree and I come from a family of highly educated professionals. It’s a cultural thing. Whenever I mention I’m looking for an educated man, I get flack about it from those without an education, as if I’m some kind of snob. It’s not just having a degree or more than one degree, education changes the way you perceive life and affects the way you make decisions. I was married to a man who was an engineer who had no liberal arts education and it showed. His entire family was from an « unsophisticated », uneducated background and it caused considerable turmoil. His mother read the Inquirer as if it was the New York Times and my husband once said to me that the study of liberal arts was the study of liberalism. He didn’t know England was an island. His family didn’t use napkins; they used paper towels always. Those are just a few minor examples. After many years those discrepancies become huge and you feel like you’re living in two different worlds. We ended in divorce so now I’m especially sensitive to education level and accompanying life choices.

Laisser un commentaire

Votre adresse e-mail ne sera pas publiée. Les champs obligatoires sont indiqués avec *

Tinder : Then he is the only one

Dating : At 7.