Dating : Sobriety and Dating
I wanted to get your guys opinion on when to tell people that you are sober? I am a recovering heroin addict, I have been clean for 5 years. The issue I have is telling people this without scaring them off.
I have been old for awhile and the issue I have is I either am upfront about it on the first date or I wait to tell them. Both have backfired on me, being upfront has scared off women. I met a girl that I liked a couple months ago and waited to tell her as long as I could. Once she found out she no longer wanted to date me. So that’s my dilemma. I have to tell them eventually because it had such an impact on my life and I am active in a 12 step community.
I’m getting tired of feeling like my past has ruined my ability to date people outside of the 12 step community I am in, which I would prefer not to do. Has anyone experienced this?
I’ve never experienced this before.
But please, whatever you do, never hide this from anyone you’re interested in. Don’t stop telling them. The right person will stick around.
Your past is your past, and you can’t change that. Also try to put yourself in their shoes, understand why they’d be scared to be with you.
But to save time, I feel like you should say this upfront, so you don’t waste your time and theirs.
Lead by saying you have something about your past that you want to share, that you’d understand if they no longer want to date you. That way, you get it out of the way, if they don’t stick around, then it’s on to the next one.
The right one will stick around. Don’t forget that.
I’ve never dated someone in a sobriety program but I left my ex because he wouldn’t get help for his alcoholism/pill addictions.
If I were the hypothetical girl in this scenario, so long as you had been sober for a long time (I think 5 years is great, good for you!), I would really respect it and the program’s place in your life. You just have to meet someone that gets it. I think the third date is a good time to tell someone big details like this. It’s usually when I tell people I’m divorced (no kids and I’ll likely never see him again, so not a big place in my life currently).
I quit drinking 9 months ago and I can kind of relate – from my experience the right women do not care. My suggestion is to be concise about it and put it in a positive light. It takes a lot of willpower and courage to be sober – and that is very attractive my friend. Good luck out there.
Yeah I dated a girl who was addicted to meth and she told me right away. It was weird and I didn’t know what to do but I liked her and said it’s cool long as she doesn’t fall back into that. I was glad she said it upfront but I’m also a very open minded person and know that things in the past doesn’t define who you are now I mean yes it helps shape who you are but it doesn’t define it (IMO). Of course I was always looking to see if she fell off the wagon i think how the saying goes. I dont know if she ever noticed but she never did so it was all good. We ended up breaking up anyway but for completely unrelated reasons.
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I think best course of action is being up front. Nothing is worst then feeling like you been tricked or lied to. Which I know you aren’t doing that but that’s how a lot of folks take it. Also it’ll hurt when folks leave but think about how awesome it’ll feel when someone stays. Good luck!
Not everyone will run away. Keep being honest to the ladies.
I wouldn’t tell them right away but I wouldn’t put it off for as long as possible either. I know that probably doesn’t help much, but my advice is just to kind of wait for the right momemt where you feel comfortable with them and trust them a little to tell them. If you’re too avoidant of it then they’l pick up on that and that will scare them. Saying it too soon may lead them to label you that way because they don’t know enough else about you yet.
*edit* oh and congrats on your sobriety man. Takes a lot of willpower. God bless.
You shouldn’t tell people your deepest personal issues until you feel that you have established a real bond with that person. Even dating and hooking up with someone for months may not be enough to divulge those types of secrets. Especially today, when superficiality and callousness is at an all time high in the dating scene.
Now if a lady has a similar background, then that would be great. It would be shared experience to bond over.
Just say “I’m AA.” when the subject of drinking comes up. Either she’ll be ok with it or she won’t. If she’s not, find someone else who is more understanding.