Dating : « Taking the lead »
Is this still a thing, that the expectation is for men to take the lead all the time?
Does this come down to mostly personality type?
I’ve always felt like I was too dominating if I took charge with everything.
Then I hear it’s taking charge based on the girl’s interest.
So obviously you get to know the girl and what she likes, and suggest things to do based on that. I assume taking charge is physical contact as well.
I don’t mind making the first moves and stuff, but I feel decision making should be more of a mutual effort through shared conversion. Instead of being more forceful?
Reason I’m asking is because I was told I wasn’t taking the lead enough, and that made the girl awkward she needed to make an effort in decision making. Even though I knew her interests and suggested get togethers based on that.
Communication was bad with her though, I found all this out after « breaking up », even though I asked her many times, how’s everything going, and all I got was, « I don’t know », or a really long shrug.
No issues being physically intimate with her.
Help me feel better about myself, or give me some good criticism. 🙂
I think it comes down to the girl, but I believe things like this should be discussed through conversion while together.
If you are masculine and she is feminine, yes, take the lead. Be decisive. Decide what you are doing and invite her to join you.
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I know this sounds fucked up but most women would rather a guy make a BAD decision than none at all. They tend to get very frustrated and feel unsafe with a guy who’s uncertain, indecisive or unsure of himself. It kills attraction.
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Made a video about this yesterday, talk about timing: [https://youtu.be/38Gi-QVzzcE](https://youtu.be/38Gi-QVzzcE)
Tell them what you’re going to do, don’t ask them what they want to do. Makes all the difference.
I’m naturally dominant in everything. I don’t know exactly how it happens but I attract a lot of people that like that sort of thing. If your comfortable with yourself and you have a healthy homeostasis then that’s her problem. Femininity and feminine traits are not inherently bad. Being indecisive or lazy is usually what I see. Guys and girls do this but it’s a bit of asshole manipulation. They feign passive so you do all the work. People like that are shit in bed, shit at having conversations, shit at deciding where to eat or what to do. It’s a lack of commitment to themselves and a lack of passion and it a huge turnoff.
A relationship is two ways. If she is blaming you for not taking the lead enough (even though you message and and get a shitty answer) then you cannot do much more than that. It seems like she doesn’t commit much? Or maybe she wants you to lead everything (some people like that but that’s weird)
I agree! Just talk with her about it then, ask her what she wants, it’s the best way to solve the problem
Taking the lead is hott if that’s ur personality own it.
Theres a diff between taking the lead and being forceful.. the latter is bad
23F
Who’s In Charge Here?
I foolishly believed I didn’t have to be on top, to be on top. I was so naive. I figured I could compromise on any-thing except major issues. After a few trashed me I asked for feedback. They told me in plain English, “I like it when the man’s in charge. You’re too nice.”
Back in the 70s there was a myth that men and women could have a relationship of equals. Well it was just that, a myth. There is no such thing and cannot be. One person is always in control. The relationship can be a three-minute conversation in a bar, a six month affair or a ten year marriage. The person in charge is the one who won’t take shit, the person most willing to say, and then do it, “No more. I quit.”
MANIPULATION IS HER WAY OF LIFE
Remember mini-marriages? This sounds familiar, “. . . where they learn, practice and perfect the control and manipulation techniques they will use in their real marriages.”
She sees nothing immoral about manipulating you. To her, all males must be manipulated. That’s the way Mommy controls Daddy. It’s how her friends’ Mommies control their husbands, how sit-com Mommies control sit-com Daddies, and it’s how soap opera females control soap opera males.
She’s not a malicious, unethical person, it’s all she knows. Straightforward is not in her repertoire. She thinks it has to be this way. It’s normal, everyone in her world relates to each other like this. Relationships with her girl friends are full of guilt inducing, manipulative finagling. Nobody’s direct with anybody in her world.
WHAT SHE BELIEVES AND REALLY WANTS
She wants the man to be in charge and considers it proper and morally right even if she fights against it and tests you weekly. She doesn’t like, admire or respect anyone she can control. She doesn’t want another boy, she wants a man. Not a macho man who demands full time submission. But, she wants you to show her. Make her submit, sexually and every other way a few times.
A stronger one will constantly challenge you even over extremely small issues to see if you’re still in charge. If you aren’t, she’s angry and let down. She didn’t really want to be the boss.
She tests you by standing you up, then calling with (1) “Sorry ‘bout yesterday. Jimmy came by, couldn’t call. Don’t be mad. He’s going to the desert tomorrow. Can I spend the night?” (2) She won’t call until the next day and pretend she didn’t test you. She says excitedly, “I can spend the night. Jimmy’s going to the desert.” (3) She’ll go to the beach instead of coming over in the afternoon as agreed, then cops a plea, “Sorry, Pam, my best friend from school came by. I couldn’t tell her ‘bout you. Don’t be mad. Can I spend the night tomorrow? Jimmy’s going to the desert.”
This is the only response that works, “I’m pissed off. We had a date. You didn’t call. (Pause for effect.) No you can’t spend the night. I have plans. Maybe some other time. Goodbye.” CLICK!
She must believe the possibilities include you will never see her again. It takes an iron will to turn down a night with her early on, but turn it down you must if you hope to continue in a pleasurable way. If you take her shit now it only gets worse.
Being led around by the dick is only fun in the early training sessions, you know, when she rewards you for taking crap by rubbing your cock with her tonsils. If you trade blowjobs for her irresponsible behavior you lose her respect, becoming just another pussy whipped boy. Every time she gets “a better offer” she’ll take it, knowing that soon you’ll be a completely house broken puppy. Your self-respect and self-esteem will take months to get back to where they were when you fucked up!
Some of you may think you can regain control later, believing you can maneuver and manipulate your way back to the helm after she finds out how great you really are. Coach Lombardi and I wish you luck.
ACT LIKE A MAN
If you won’t be manipulated or lied to, you will retain control of the relationship. Stand firm and refuse to be treated badly. Behave like a man with self respect and you’ll do fine. Don’t retaliate. Let her know in clear, easy to understand terms what is unacceptable. Do not bluff. She will call it, I guarantee. When you get called you two will be finished or you’re in for a long run of shitty behavior.
I am committed to not putting up with anything, especially early on. I learned the hard way it’s tough enough training her in the first place. It’s impossible to re-train her. Be smarter than the dog, stay fully in charge for months.
BENEVOLENT DICTATORS
She knows you two are not equal. She knows you are the more powerful, knowledgeable person. In her view you are the male, therefore you are the leader. Get it through your head, she only knows one way of relating. Live up to, and act out, her idea of what a man is.
It’s a shame but even letting her decide where to go for dinner is a sign of weakness to her. She thinks, “The man should decide these things.” She has such limited experience she reads diplomatic as weak, considerate as accommodating (sounds like?) forgiveness as no balls.
If you’re not willing to be in charge you will be out of control. Later on, like four months from now, after she realizes she can’t take over, you can back off a little, not much.
Control is the issue in all relationships. In older-younger it is central. Too bad control it is an issue but it is and after the first few dates it’s the issue. I reluctantly accepted it. Accept it but be a benevolent dictator.