Dating : Talking Hasn’t Helped
I (23/F) am dating a guy (26/M) who has a hard time talking about issues in a relationship.
We have been dating for a little over 2 years now and have a pretty good understanding of each other. We live together and get along, when we do have issues it doesn’t turn into a big argument most times.
I always make sure to approach issues with a calm attitude and always want to improve and not blame.
My issue is, I don’t receive a lot of affirmation, whether it be words or actions. I work full time, leaving the house before him and come home later than him. I come home and clean/make dinner even when I’m tired. He works full time and comes home to sit at his computer until it’s time for bed.
I use to justify this by telling myself, I make up for the difference in income by taking care of the house. Now I just think he is lazy and does not care to help out much. Could be a tinge of resentment there.
I have talked to him about these issues. Not receiving the same level of attention I give him, and not getting help around the house. He takes this and turns it into an argument of sorts. He gets upset and then doesn’t want to talk about it.
I leave the house for work most mornings feeling helpless that even after many discussions, behavior has not changed. As soon as I walk in the door and see him….my face lights up and I know I love him so much.
How can I go about encouraging some change here…talking has not seemed to make a lasting effect.
I ended up married to a guy like this. I didn’t realize it until the end. (We got divorced for unrelated reasons).
Nip this in the bud before it gets worse. You will have to tell him straight up what you expect from him. Otherwise you will get resentful and about imbalance.
Speaking as a guy, when I see a guy like this I am not optimistic that he is going to change. Maybe I’ve seen too many relationships fail over this kind of thing. He doesn’t seem aware of the needs of keeping a household and is unlikely to learn by coaxing. It doesn’t connect that the household is a shared responsibility.
Being honest, if this is how he acts at 26, he is pretty much set and will need to have his cage rattled hard to evoke change. You should consider whether sharing the lifestyle you have is what you want for the long term.
Would you mind helping me load the dishwasher? Would you mind helping me fold this laundry? Would you mind giving me a hand in here with dinner? Would you mind setting the table while I finish dinner? I’m going to start dinner, would you mind taking out the trash when you get a minute?
I don’t know what he’s doing on the computer but if it’s video games: Could you show me how to play that?
If he’s playing video games showing interest in what he’s doing will probably surprise him in a good way. Asking him to do a cleaning or cooking activity with you is more enticing than yelling at him to do something alone. Plus while doing it together you get an opportunity to talk about your days or whatever.
Don’t expect it to get better. You already know how he is. The only question now is can you live with this for the long haul and still be happy with him? If you’ve already had this talk with him and are building resentment after only two years, imagine how much worse it’ll be after kids, a mortgage, and another 20 years. If you choose to marry him knowing all this, it’s on you.
Just don’t have kids with him. Never. Unless you want to spend 20 years of trying to minimize his bad influence on kids.