Dating : Trying to Stay Positive
In the past year I’ve gone through a lot of heartache and somehow became more positive overall as a result. Best friend of over 12 years who I caught feelings (due to her initiating said conversation, saying i love you, missing me, etc…) for ended up ghosting me when I asked her out, previous person I dated brought her new boyfriend to our date, and just a bunch of shitty things happened. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve experienced every worst case scenario I can come up with happened so there was no reason to be afraid. I’d spent the past 6 years working on myself and building myself up to become this resilient person. I lost a bunch of weight, found a stable friend group that are amazing, and am working my ass off making my passions into a stable career. I’m flourishing. My mental health is better than ever. I am also a late bloomer due to having had shitty self-esteem problems and depression but I’ve been overcoming everything that has been an obstacle in my life.
The funniest thing is that I’ve become the most positive person that a lot of my friends look up to. I give great advice, am caring, and overall am just happier. This has caused me to be able to date a lot more in the past couple of months. A lot of cancellations that don’t affect me but also a lot of great people. Some of which I didn’t feel a connection with, some that I’ve become friends with, and some that felt like they were going somewhere but ultimately didn’t. So like most people’s experiences.
My problem is that I ended up catching up with my best friend and two of the girls I was seeing said some things that kind of messed with me. Best friend who I honestly could’ve sworn and even had some external validation that it wasn’t in my head said that she never even thought nor wanted to know what were to happen if we dated. That I am nothing romantic to her. Then the other girls were something along those lines even they we’ve been hooking up and going on dates. One that I dated recently ended up crying during because apparently she wasn’t over her ex and that she didn’t feel anything toward me. I had another girl who I was really into start canceling on me and I can’t tell if it’s an ex thing since she got out of a 7 year relationship late last year or if it’s the same pattern continuing. They all say that I’ve made a great impact on their lives and that they wish they could’ve seen something romantic there but there just isn’t.
So essentially I’m having trouble trusting my gut with girls. I’ve tried listening to my gut, people’s words and actions, and being up front but overall I’ve been really wrong on everything. I know that a lot of what’s happened was due to things not in my control but at some point if it smells like shit everywhere you go then it’s probably me.
I’m still putting myself out there and hoping for the best but I’m losing the enthusiasm in my step and am fighting hard not get to become jaded again. I have strong boundaries now and a lot of respect for myself. I just don’t really know how I ought to continue. I know each person is different and It’s just hard to not think that I’m still fucked up in some way. I’ve tried focusing on the fact that I’m happy that I’m at least trying and am still figuring things out but fuck it’s starting to get to me. I’ve gone long periods where I stop trying to find something and that doesn’t really help either. I’ve tried being more picky too, i’ve tried being more open, and I’ve tried to just see what happens but nothing leads to what I want which is a healthy and loving relationship that is reciprocated.
First, this is coming from someone with severe depression whose life is kind of a mess and has been a long while, your opening was a slight inspiration.
Second, I know this is easy said than done, but don’t take people’s words as fact. Like the best friend girl who said « she never even thought nor wanted to know what were to happen if we dated », well yeah whatever that’s what she said but she probably did entertain the idea – you have to bear in mind she once also said I love you. But she also ghosted – from an outsider situation, that reads as someone extremely confused. Honestly in a lot of the dating scenarios, I’ve found it helpful to realise that quite often people just. don’t. know. what they want, and it has no reflection on you. You probably also have moments where you don’t know what you want either, right? And we mess around with each other and hook up and play all these weird games with eachother’s emotions, it’s all pretty shitty. So, I can see why you’re sounding a bit emotionally messed up by it all, in a way I think we all are. I think it’s normal and healthy to not be positive 100% of the time, when you consider the whole emotional rollercoaster of dating/ hooking up.
Don’t let these feelings of confusion that surface make you backtrack on your good progress…