Dating : Trying to understand American dating and hook up culture
Hi people! As a French woman who has lived and dated in the US, talk to more than a few American men and women, I have observed a few things that leave me wondering and I would like to get some opinions.
I’ve had to figure out the whole dating thing, since we don’t have it in France, and it was pretty fun to do. But then I’ve realized what seems to be a gap in what dating/promiscuity/hook up culture is really like.
Guys in the US seemed surprised to learn about my dating history and about my number of sexual partners. They would find it normal or even low, and would justify that by saying the hook up culture in the US means women have a lot more sexual partners by our age (early 20s) usually. It’s also something that I’ve seen quite a bit around, this idea that American women sleep around in college and just like attention from everyone.
But then the American women I’ve talked with tell me a different story. Most of them had the same number of sexual partners I’ve had or way less. Most of them didn’t sleep around not wished to. Almost all of them complained about a dating culture and men that pressure them into having sex, complained about people not wanting exclusive dating while that’s what they crave.
And every time I’ve explained how we French people don’t date, men and women seemed to think that was amazing and looked so much better and more relaxed.
So is everyone less promiscuous than other people think? Is everyone tired of dating around? Clearly not, since the system works and stereotypes continue to exist. What do you think?
Of course I know that I’m mostly speaking from anecdotal experiences but these are really things I’ve observed across the board and also on the Internet.
Any thoughts?
I simply do not participate in hookup culture (33F). I am very upfront with my wants and expectations and am a serial monogamist.
I actually had a similar question yesterday; I’m a Belgian man and I, too, was confounded by American dating and hook up cultur. It’s [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/cmx7cf/dating_in_europe/) if you’re interested.
I’m starting to think that it’s a matter of perception – a lot of people *think* everyone’s having sex all the time and feel like failures if they don’t. But nobody wants to admit they’re not having as much sex as they’d like, so nobody questions the myth.
Well, I guess I’ll be the first to ask: what do you mean French people don’t date? How do people meet potantial partners?
As to your observations: the guys you mention are full of shit and the women are being honest with you.
I think what you’re missing is that Americans move around way more and our cities are spaced very far apart so we have to drive everywhere. You move to go to college and move again to find work so your social circle is massively disrupted. You can’t date your friends when you’re 23 and new to a city and have none. Since everything is so spread out and requires driving socializing requires more planning and cant be as spontaneous. Americans date *total strangers* more because they have to. Simple geography explains a lot about American dating culture.
I’ve always pursued relationships like Europeans do, so don’t think every single woman in America dates or hooks up. I can count on one hand the official number of ‘dates’ I’ve been on in my life. the kind where I was specifically asked out on a date, and I specifically accepted going out on a date was someone that I did not know at all or knew very little about. None of those ended up being a great time for what should be fairly logical and obvious reasons.
That being said I have done about two dozen tinder hookups in my life. And I’ll because I found the idea itself all that attractive, but one should make a point to broaden their horizons in life. so to know and understand what hookup culture is, I simply participated in it. again, no relationship ever materialize from any of those. Some were a lot of fun with some fantastic sex. Others were a total waste of time.
But hey, you can’t go through life and not learn this stuff, right?
I think the culture is crazy and I don’t like it lol. The way Asians date are completely different. Usually you only chase the person you see a future with and become friends and then get married. There’s no going on a “date.” But I’m Asian American and kinda stuck in this culture because it’s hard for me to relate with someone that’s not “Americanize” lol.
Same craps happening here in Australia.
Men say its a hookup app
Women say no hookups
Men complain women are fussy and stuck up
Women swipe left on all their rubbish
Men complain women dont answer messages
Women avoid apps with unsolicited messaging as otherwise they get inundated and they are exposed to rudeness, trolling and unwanted attention.
Men complain women arent putting out for them calling the c you next Tuesdays etc but apparently those women are still promiscuous
Women have their timewasted with masturbating men, pic collectors, married guys etc.
Men get annoyed women get more messages and apparently more opportunities « it’s alright for you » mentality
Women struggle to find a decent one amongst it all.
I personally feel the male attitudes can be attributed to entitlement and immaturity.
Sure, as women we could get more sex. But omg the stuffing around and rubbish.
Funny part is men behave as if they should be dictating the rules yet women still arent playing..
Despite these double standards that appear to be underpinned by misogyny, women just arent tolerating it.
Positive is you can sift through large numbers of potential partners.
Negative is online dating draws on skills many decent hard working guys dont have.
Ie good at taking selfies, time and motivation to set up the app. Keep a written convo going.
And the one thing you have in common is online dating.. hopefully it isn’t the only thing.
My thought is this: I’ve dated 3 French girls before and I’ve learned that French girls are very passionate. They don’t dont a lot because they’re usually so loyal. The people they date, they’re very sexually active with.
Latin Americans are similar. I’ve dated a few latina girls. Very passionate people (just don’t argue with them because right or wrong, they’ll argue till they die). This is expressed in their passionate dances and culture.
The thing you have to understand about Americans is they are lazy. About everything. They’re too lazy to work hard in relationships hence why they date a lot and divorce a lot. Ontop of that they love conflicts and drama. This is a generalization but its true for the average American.
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> Guys in the US seemed surprised to learn about my dating history and about my number of sexual partners.
I’ve been with my bf for a year and only like 3 or 4 months into our relationship we disclaimed how many people we had had sex with. The past is sort of irrelevant, unless for health concerns.
I’m not originally from the US, but the gist I get from dating – my boyfriend is my only bf I met in the US -, is that you like each other, then you go out alone, maybe grab a coffee, lunch, dinner, go to a concert etc etc., and maybe during or at the end of the date you kiss and then go from there.
It’s a bit odd to me the idea of hanging out in a big group and then just casually tripping and falling on top of a guy/girl and kissing. Idk
I live in the US (25F) and I’ve never been abroad, so I have nothing to compare it to, but from what I’ve observed both in high school, college, and now post-grad, it seems that people really like to act like they’re way more sexually active or experienced than they truly are. I can’t tell you how many guys will talk up such a big game about how good they are over text, and when we finally hook up it’s like they’ve never been inside a vagina before or even remotely know where a clit is. It’s such a culture thing. It’s pretty much goes like this: guys lie about their number being higher and girls lie about their number being lower. It plays off the whole social construct of men needing to be « manly » and dominant and have a high body count and females needing to « respect their bodies » and have a low body count.
Also for me, I was always pretty annoyed with how easy technology has made it for guys to have access to me. Complete strangers would hit me up through social media and try to have conversation, and I just never really liked how it was so normalized, or the pressure it would put on me. Because then they would have the nerve to get annoyed with me if I didn’t answer right away or if I was reluctant to meet up with them when I barely knew them or have never met them in person. Like back when my parents were dating, my Dad had to at least call my mom and have a real time conversation asking her out on a date to a real fucking place. None of this hey nice to meet you now come over to ‘Netflix and chill’ aka suck my dick. So honestly, the texting and social media stuff now being a part of dating makes it seem super disingenuous to me. And I’ve always thought that maybe it’s just the type of guys that I attract. Cause I’ll have friends that go out on dates and I’m just like howww did you get a guy to ask you out to a place other than his bed? So maybe it’s just me idk.
> So is everyone less promiscuous than other people think? Is everyone tired of dating around? Clearly not, since the system works and stereotypes continue to exist. What do you think?
I think a lot of people are telling lies.
Some European actress recently mentioned this. She said you date one person in Europe and see how that works. Women and men seem to date many people in the US and then decide if ONE will work. It works for women because they get many free meals and trips. And a lot of attention from many men..it’s called online dating. A lot of the women were probably lying to you. Many our online for attention but some are also known as ‘MEALHOES ». Tons of 1st dates for meals and drinks but no sex.
For guys specifically, there is a sort of ‘bro culture ‘ that promotes inflating the numbers and looking for hookups.
Les différences culturelles avec la France et même le Québec au niveau du dating sont fascinantes.
I learned rapidly about this difference while dating expats here coming over to study/work.
I never noticed the trend you mentionned in Québec, guys seems generally aware that talking about their number of sexual partners might make them look like they are showing off and ladies on the other end seem comfortable since with the recent rise of a stronger equality it can be seen as a form of empowerment(and it truly is). I do think a lot of projection happen and men do indeed believe that women sleep around way more than they do, especially here since the gender roles are less traditionnal and it could be perceived as if women freed from old conservative value will enjoy sexuality more freely and not be slowed them by the old perception of them being slutty, but simply enjoying themselves. I don’t think peope are tired of dating around, this system is excellent for consumption and getting a lot of fun and experiences from the casual dating aspect and ons, but on the more serious aspect there would certainly be some issues that could be brought out from such a system that encourages you to check all your possibilities. This way of dating is highly seductive and addictive. People from an outside perceptive will say that the French system sounds amazing but I believe they would miss all the freedom and pleasure they get from getting a little tastes of everything they can and slowing down the process to enjoy themselves more. I do believe both ways have huges advantages and downsides. I’m dating a Bordeaux woman this evening in fact, we will also most likely have a lovely discussion of cultural differences. Always fun for a sociology student like me.
Not all women in America are hooking up left and right. This hook up culture that is brought sounds a little inflated. Studies have shown that the younger generations are actually having less sexual encounters than previous generations.
I (23F) was someone who wasn’t interested in dating at all, nor sleeping around. I was perfectly content to be a single, virgin, crazy cat lady who never had a boyfriend. But funny enough, a friend of mine and I quite naturally developed feelings for each other and we’ve been together for the past three years. He was just like me, not interested in seeking out a relationship. But he’s from the Netherlands, so that doesn’t really count towards what you’re asking. My own impression of American culture is that the majority of both men and women casually date and hook up. That’s what I was seeing, especially in university, living near Los Angeles. While there are both men and women who are strictly romantic monogamists, and I’ve seen them post on reddit too, they seem much more the exception rather than the rule.
It is all American capitalist toxicity.
They tell girls to be princesses, boys to be knights, and then define the roles for each.
Girl must be pampered and adored.
Boy must afford such treatment.
With the modern trend toward independent women the roles are being redefined.
Girls should play the field while focusing on career before family. This will improve their performance and pre-maternal output.
Boys now compete both for career points against each other and now these women. To increase our output we have to show up her now increased number of prospects and her own income.
All of this pays off similar to valentine’s day in corporate greed.
How else can you convince hundreds of thousands of idiots to pay $10-30+ a month for each toxic dating app that does nothing to improve your connectedness with people? And many will pay for more than one.
Then as the few exceptions trickle through where someone did meet a good match, it is used to promote hope in all the other unlucky users. For those whose personality is stronger than their looks, it becomes a decent into depression. This also promotes gym memberships, therapy, medicinal treatment, employee turnover, competitiveness, education, self help books, etc.
Tell us about how you connect with people if not through competitive sexist baiting.
I think at different levels of society there is more promiscuity..I do see that more women are willing to hook up and have sex…no strings attached…I think more women are feeling less shame about talking about sex….as a single m51…I’ve had more offers from late 20 and early 3p yo women…than my age..lol so idk
Your right about pressuring into sex part a bunch of losers can’t seem to try to woo you into sex they rather pressure a girl instead I find it was one of the most unattractive things a man can do.
there is a hookup culture in america
especially while women are younger
most women will sleep with one or two of there guy friends
when they date they rarely commit to one man, and will explain in the beginning or lie about it to the guy later on and make excuses.
as a result mens heart harden and they assume the worst as a emotional defensive mechanism, we start to treat you like pussy meat. unfortunately it back fires on women that actually would’ve cared about us.
Some men just want sex some women just want to be fucked hard by a different guy every night, and because of nature, those women get what they want every god damn time.
when i go on a date with a girl i already tell myself shes fucking a friend and im the guy shes trying to either get to know? and see where it goes? because shes tired of fucking her friend? or shes going to date me until she finds a better deal as soon as it pops up.
last girl i dated fucked all her friends while i thought we were dating, she tells me « oh i thought we were friends and getting to know each other ». i accepted it but lost all respect for her
if you address all of these issues in the being you will find very very few women willing to date monogamously. Remember porn and feminism started in America. New generations of women are entering the dating market with different mentalities than previous generations. there are women that are pure with intention and truly want love and commitment but that is only reserved for the wealthy men that look amazing. above all women just want to be with someone that makes them feel alive for better or worse.
The dating market is skewed (moreso from online dating culture). Basically, you have 100% of men pursuing 10% of women. Their view of women/dating is the experiences of the 10% of women (who can selectively choose the men they want to see, and have a buffet style experience on their dates, doing (literally and figuratively) whatever they want). So the general consensus from the men that participate in that culture is that women are all over the place doing hookups. It’s reinforced when they choose to ignore the experiences of the 90% of women in the market that they « swipe left ». The same truth applies to men too; 90% of them are undesirable to the 10% of women, and they have a significantly smaller pool of hookups as well.
>I’ve had to figure out the whole dating thing, since we don’t have it in France,
So france doesn’t do dating? lol
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but seriously
>But then the American women I’ve talked with tell me a different story. Most of them had the same number of sexual partners I’ve had or way less. Most of them didn’t sleep around not wished to.
this is the lie right here
When you are pregnant, suddenly we all become being less interested and less aggressive toward you. That is how I explain the whole thing and that’s human common sense.
Hey, I am also not American, so, I don’t know american women so well.
There is this hot chick and I am her fitness instructor (for 1.5 months now). She is married. Hot and funny. We just had a flirty conversation today and I wonder if this could be leading somewhere (you know what I’m sayin). That’s the conversation below, tell me what u think, was she really flirting with me and could she be interested in something more?
Me: How did you get so tanned?
Her: I was walking around without a T-shirt.
Me: How could you not invite me to join?
Her: If I did you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night
Me: Why?
Her: Because… Anyways, it was a joke. I only go shirtless when I’m at home.
Me: You go shirtless at home? You’re up for some dangerous things
Her: You have no idea.