Dating : [Venting] Today is day 1 for me. I just got back from the gym, and I’m a bit of an emotional mess.
Today is day 1 for me. I’ve been going to the gym for 3 years, and today after a long time, my past kicked me in the balls all over again. I left the gym wanting to cry.
Growing up, I was the shortest dude in my class, and I’m still short compared to people around me. I was one of the few Indian kids. I also wasn’t very strong. I used to get singled out by the gym teachers in high school to compete with girls, was never allowed to compete with guys on sports events (btw, I don’t think women are weaker than men, or that there is anything wrong with having to compete with women, because hey, I’d love to be as badass as so many women I know). I used to get bullied in so many ways.
« Your mother must be scared to look at you » « Why are you so pidgeon chested » « Don’t worry man, you’ll find someone »
I used to get valentine’s day cards saying « I like the smell of your armpits ». I didn’t have any BO, but people wanted to see me excited, and then watch my face drop.
The girls who asked me to dance at school parties did it because of a dare, and only wanted to make fun of me.
Guys used to push me into girls, and then everyone would call me a creep. As an Indian guy, I’m already very sensitive to girls not feeling safe around me (yes, we have a terrible reputation, and we collectively need to get better). I hated it. I hated being the reason for other people not feeling comfortable.
So I made myself really smart. I got really creative and artistic. I became a student leader. I made myself weirdly popular, respectable, and untouchable just so all of the bullshit would stop. I never got strong, not for lack of trying. I never attracted or genuinely excited anyone.
At the end of college, I experienced heartbreak because the girl I fell in love with after 3 years of knowing her didn’t feel the same way about me, and fell for my best friend. So I graduated, and let myself go completely. The only thing I held on to for dear life was my career.
3 years ago, after a medical emergency, I started getting my act back together again. I started from the bottom of the bottom. I started keeping up with my creative pursuits again. I started doing everything I could to be the best man I can. After 3 years, I’ve only now managed to achieve where most people start. So I’m calling today day 1 with the hopes and dreams that one day I’ll be good enough for someone to appreciate me for just existing, and for that person to accept everything I have to give to them. But I’m also emotional, because I don’t know if I even have the potential anymore, and I’m operating on 0 confidence.
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Tl;dr: I’m trying but don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough to be able to fall in love because of past experiences, and that made me emotional.
Can I go back in time and beat the snot out of your old teachers/bullies?
How short are you?
Yeah you will get better.
Its your first day.
My therapist told me when you first start intense physical exercise it creates the same emotional feeling to anxiety and panic. Reason… our physiological response is connected to emotional feeling and vice verse.
Took me 5 years to control my emotions while working out. I used to do middle distance running and it used to bring everything back.. but.. if you stick to it you’ll feel better because:
A. endorphins
B. Lower stress emotional and physical.
That will make you feel less like shit. My supersets still remind me of bad shit but I grit my teeth and finish them nonetheless.
So yeah there’s a scientific reason you felt the way you did while/ after working out. But.. don’t give up on it.. reduce the intensity and continue till you find that you’ve worked up your way to the intensity giving you nightmares (so to speak) and you’re cool with the emotions involved.
Fellow brown man here. Dealt and still am dealing with some of the issues you posted about. But don’t you worry my dude. I got my act together by being more open to people and being unapologetically me. I cut off a girl and another friend in the process, but I am way better off than I was years ago.
Fitness definitely helped build confidence.
Pictures say a thousand words, so I will show you pictures of my work in progress.
https://i.imgur.com/nTZ2oRJ.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/cvLcLGG.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/LRdsCyW.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/fGBKJEv.jpg
Keep working out. It gets better. I wouldn’t switch my current life out for the previous one for a million dollars. Another thing: My friend introduced me to a quote that has stuck:
##Slowly but surely.
Have some patience. Things will come, things will go. Patience will only help you in the long term. You got this.
I’m really sorry. I was bullied too but not to that extent. In high school I always felt like the bottom of the food chain; anyone could mess with me. A girl used to fool around and say she had a crush on me to mess with me. I was pushed around and called racial slurs too. I’m 5’6 too. things changed for me after college. I started dressing up and paying attention to my style and i started going on dates. I would go on omegle and argue with people to boost my confidence.
Youre taking a good step. feel free to message me
I feel you man. I grew up in much the same way. I was small, weak, and got made fun of brutally for it. I finally grew in high school, hitting about 5’9″. Some people laid off me, others didnt. By my junior year of high school I was just fed up with everyone’s shit, so I started being a dick. I just put on a kind of « don’t fuck with me or I will put you down » front. One day I lost my shit and socked a kid in the face, and then shoved another kid aside, he ended slamming into the lockers. Then I went home, to prevent further damage,because I realized I wasn’t in good control of myself. I expected everyone to think I was a psychopath after that, but, suprisingly, people started leaving me alone. About time. I even made some new friends. Even The Bigger Guys steered clear.
I don’t know. Turning into a dick for a year was the best bad decision I’ve made. It wasn’t a great approach, I wish I could have done things differently, but, it did work. I dealt with minimal bullying after that.
Look I’m not saying be a dick, I’m just trying to say that I know how you feel man. Best of luck, keep your head up.
Your self esteem has really been knocked a lot!
You need to surround yourself with people who share the same interests so that’s your focus. Rather than peers who you feel you’re competing with.
In time you’ll get your mojo back. Maybe look into doing a contact sport such as karate. That’ll boost your confidence too.
I just wanted to say you should never feel like you are undeserving of a date based on height. There are a lot of people who are judgmental about that, but they don’t matter.
Also, you don’t have to be « good enough » to fall in love…you ARE good enough! People who fall in love are not better or more deserving than anyone else. Focus on taking care of yourself and the rest will follow.
Hey,
I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. I’m quite a small girl (5ft) and though there may seem like a difference in the importance of height in girls and boys in society, I also felt kinda held back because of it until recently.
But now, it doesn’t matter to me as much because I’m blessed to have a great circle of friends who couldn’t give two craps and truth be told not many people do. Like you, I felt it may hinder the success in dating as tall women with perfect slim legs are as we’re told the ideal standard beauty but if anything it’s a blessing in disguise. Because once you find someone who likes you for you, be it a friend or potential partner, then you know they like you for YOU. What could be better?
Like the other stranger mentioned it’s hard to change your mindset over night but sometimes I like to zoom out of the magnifying glass we see ourselves with sometimes and realise we’re all pretty much the same as cliché as it might sound. From far, were all like ants in this world just tryna find a purpose to fill the 80 or so odd years we have on this planet. Some of us are tall, short, fair, dark, slim, thick, whatever.
And hey height didn’t stop men like Al Pacino or Daniel Radcliffe or the many other men who’ve made it big with smaller frames because it’s probably indifferent to them whether they’re 6ft 1 or 5ft 3. (Check it up, there’s heaps of accomplished people who aren’t 7ft 5)
Sorry for the essay but it’s something I related on. I also want to congratulate you on starting new and starting afresh. It really isn’t easy to say the least and I hope you find the strength to rise and work above all the clever ways life tries to work against us.
Sending a virtual hug from my end. You haven’t had it easy but you’ve taken everything that’s come your way nonetheless with strength and resilience. It’s okay to cry sometimes, it’s okay to let it out. I don’t know how to wrap this up but keep going strong dude, you got this!
I used the Fitbod app on the AppStore. It really helped me diversify my workouts and now I’m decently strong.
Don’t worry buddy, stay true to yourself, stay confident in your strong points, acknowledge your weak points but don’t beat yourself up over it.
When in doubt, be humorous and it will make the ladies hearts melt
frankly everything here is so inspiring, and i hope others find inspiration in your story, too. you sound like you have such a great perspective. i know you said that you’re just now starting where (you perceive) others are much sooner, but do they all have the same mindset you do? i doubt it. sounds to me that you’re going through things so much more intentionally and with more humility. life is a journey.
Much the same story here man. Just do what makes you happy. If you eventually decide to have a partner, you can. But, focus on yourself and don’t worry about external pressures.
This is inspirational, and I’m glad I read it. Good luck, and thank you.
I saw an half-indian with extremely rough childhood beating the former Bellator LHW champion (Attila Végh vs Virgil Zwicker). Take his victory as motivation and be consistent on working on yourself. If you follow the path of self improvement, other aspect of your life will improve too. It’s inevitable.
>Tl;dr: I’m trying but don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough to be able to fall in love because of past experiences, and that made me emotional.
I know that feeling of not being « good enough » to be able to date. I’ve had that feeling for a long time. Part of the reason why it took me so long to date, in addition to having social anxiety, was the feeling that I just wasn’t good enough to try yet. « No point starting until I get a bit fitter/become more interesting/become more accomplished/become more charismatic, » etc.
I’m still going back and forth on whether or not there’s validity to this. On the one hand, the fact that I even got dates when I started trying challenged this notion. On the other, the fact that it’s very hard to get them on the first place, much more to keep anyone interested, reinforces it.
But where I’m at is that, regardless of whether I think I’m good enough, there’s no harm *trying*. If I’m not good enough and I don’t try, I won’t get dates, anyway. How can I get any fewer if I *do* try? I even approach women who I think are objectively out of my league, because why not let *them* reject me instead of taking it upon myself to pre-reject myself?
So, even though self-improvement is important, I’d say not to put attempts to date on hold until you achieve what you think is « good enough » (that standard will always only increase, and you will continually think of new reasons why you still aren’t good enough, anyway). Even if your attempts to date aren’t successful, at worst, if being « good enough » is a valid idea, then your current attempts will serve as practice and experience for when you do reach that standard. And, if the idea of being « good enough » isn’t valid and you’re worthy of dating already, then trying will be the only way to make it happen.
Dating apps privilege only the most handsome men, so don’t rely on them. It’s not unheard of for men not to get matches on that shit. At least supplement its use with meeting people in real life.
I’m so sorry about your experiences. You’ve been through so much cruelty. You are so worthy, of your dreams and ambitions. You are so important as just an individual with his talents and presence. You bring good to the table too, even if its not being appreciated by another in that moment.
Have you tried dating your own people? Not trying to sound racist or anything, but Indian girls are honestly gonna understand you better, connect with you stronger, than any white/asian/latina girl ever could. Muhammad Ali had an interesting take on the subject that even in today’s small world holds true
https://youtu.be/HqiWFLsgVi4
Yo bro.
Great job starting over. Especially picking up your creative pursuits. I’d like to try and help because it reads like you’re still unsure about what to do. You’re on the right path. Here is what I have learned coming out of an 8 year depression (launched after losing a job that defined me) and having started over myself.
Confidence is internal. It’s a glow you get when you are content. No one can give you confidence. You have to earn that. Not from other people, but from yourself. You wil never gain confidence if you use other peoples standards to inform your choices. Just from this short read of you describing your situation I get the impression that other peoples opinions are what inform your choices.
Things like: « I made myself weirdly popular, respectable, and untouchable just so all of the bullshit would stop. »
That you do this is not odd. You are NOT alone. Alot of people struggle and never master the art of self worth. You need to be happy with what you do, and that sought after confidence can arise from anything you do that give you satisfaction. Now as for something practical.
I rediscovered my selfworth through a new hobby. I picked up an electric guitar. This isnt nessecarily the answer to your problems aswel. The guitar works for me, because it requires an extreme amount of effort to master and is a near infinite pool of of learning. The reason it gives confidence is because I’m not learning to play it to impress women or get a job. I do it because, when I play and close my eyes, it feels good. It takes a very long time, but only those pursuits that require real effort inspire confidence.
The gym can serve the exact same function as long as you are there for the right reasons. Self improvement as opposed to approval. You can build up natural confidence by dedicating yourself to a pursuit you find worthy. This is an entirely personal choice, but if you want some help setting that up for the gym time I’d be more then happy to help and offer suggestions. I’m on the cusp of reigniting that pursuit myself and might be able to offer some assistance doing it properly.
Let me know. Hang in there and do you. Ignore people bitching about you wasting your potential. Fuck their expectations. What are yours? If you dont know, maybe we on reddit can help you brain storm. If you do know, and dont pursue them, you know what to do. And if it helps. I appreciate you for just existing and I’m confident you’ll figure this out.
kind regards, t0mmi3
Ps: Racial stereotypes suck, but dont apolegise for other people. It suggests you are partially responsible, and you’re not. Right?
You are good enough! Write that on your mirror and tell yourself everytime you walk by the mirror that you are good enough.
I love this saying.. for every pot there is a perfect lid… You will find your true love but in order to love another you need to love yourself first. Spend this time changing your attitude to be positive. Read positive books. Hang around winners. Be kind to yourself. Everything will work out.
Stick with the exercise! I just listened to Dax Shepherd’s podcast & he recently interviewed a professor who actually teaches a class on happiness. The professor said that exercise provides the same effect as the most powerful antidepressants— I totally agree with him! I exercise 4-5 days a week & I think it’s the only reason I’m not on antidepressants. And believe me, I’m 40 & not married- I have plenty of reason to be depressed.
If someone insults your height— forget them. They are shallow Hals & you would be more unhappy with them than by yourself. Heck, if Prince were alive I’d date him & he’s 2 inches shorter than me!
> So I’m calling today day 1 with the hopes and dreams that one day I’ll be good enough for someone to appreciate me for just existing, and for that person to accept everything I have to give to them.
Start with yourself, man. Do you appreciate your existence? Do you accept everything about yourself and like who you are?
Nobody else ever will until you do so yourself.
lack of self love gotta love self more past is past let it be where it belongs- in the past
Try starting with self love before you worry so much about love with someone else. We are our own worst enemies and we pick at every single thing about us. Constantly remind yourself you can do this, and you will only become stronger and grow better. Start little, hold your head up high and strut your stuff. Pretend to be confident and little by little you should start getting more confident. You are a beautiful person, and don’t let beauty standards tell you that you aren’t. You got this, my friend, don’t lose hope.
I’m half Persian and I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve had a very similar experience growing up. I was slightly overweight, not by much, but even my « friends » would make fun of me calling me names and saying I was fat. Only one girl in HS asked me out to a dance. We actually dated for a bit, until she cheated on me. I developed a huge insecurity that I’m overweight. I’ve been going to the gym now for 11 years, eat healthy and I am in great shape, yet, I still feel like I’m overweight. Dating is a whole other story. Only girls that will even show some type of interest in me are other ethnic girls. And even then, it’s not much. So, I feel ya. It’s crappy world out there. Just do you and do what makes you happy and do your best to ignore all the noise out there.
Listen to Good by Jacko. Video clip on youtube.
Hey dude, I just wanted to say that people are cruel and although I have never experienced what you’ve been through, I have seen people who are short have huge successful careers and beautiful partners. Look at the comedian Kevin Hart. He’s 5’4″. But he’s funny, successful, has a beautiful wife and family. He’s spoken about the bullying he’s been though in his comedy specials but he hasn’t let that define who he is as a person and let that negativity overcome him.
I don’t know the panacea that will help you, but you already have address/acknowledge the issue and you know why it’s effected you so much to become emotional. I personally believe the most important thing you should focus your time and energy towards is building your confidence. I’m 6’0″ and I have always been jealous of how shorter guys can achieve a bulkier/cut and picture perfect physic. Proportionally, you’re arms look bigger and bulky where I feel like a stretched out pencil stick with little to no muscle. But that is my own hangup because in the grand scheme of things it’s not the end of the world that I’m not a picture perfect body builder.
I’m not a professional and I don’t know what exactly you should do but I personally think that you need to get like one or two hobbies that are social, with both gender and have it be physical so you can build a sexy body for you. Not for some imaginary girl you might meet. Not for your friends so you can show off. Do it strictly for yourself so you can look in the mirror and say, « Damn, my shoulders look good with all the muscle fibers bulging out. » or like, » Wow, I have a six pack and I’ve worked hard for this. You’ll be doing two things, working towards a goal like that. 1, Building an attractive figure that you alone are proud about. 2, you’ll be boosting the chemicals in your brain to help boost confidence, battle depression and anxiety and help you become humble for the hard work you’ve accomplished.
If I hear that you say, you’ve tried and it doesn’t help, then you obviously didn’t do it long enough to see these benefits. you could work out for a year and think that you’ll never get there. But that’s just self sabotage and depression tricking you into thinking you’re just the quiet, odd Indian guy who was cursed with being short. Why would any girl want to be responsible for boosting your confidence and self worth. That’s no one’s jobs but your own. This all will be painful, depressing, hard, and your mind will try to trick you into thinking « you’re just made to never be what you really want ». You deserve to be happy. So does the extremely obese 19 yo who feels that it’s just them and there is no « cure ». But until you realize that you create your own happiness and it takes constant practice and effort throughout your hole life, you’ll continue to sabotage yourself. It’s definitely easier said than done but that’s how life is.
I wish you luck and I wish I could practice what I preach but I have my own demons I’m always battling and running from.
I appreciate you for existing. I’m so so sorry all of those horrible people made you lose so much of your confidence and made you believe that you weren’t worthy of finding love because you will find it if you put yourself out there. People are attracted to others who radiate confidence and have a good personality. Stay strong and know that this is only the beginning, you have so much more happiness and life ahead of you. Don’t dwell on the shitty things that have happened to you, recognize how far you’ve come and celebrate your achievements and be excited for even more growth that is ahead of you. Don’t worry, things will look up 🙂
You seem very sweet and not bitter. I just met a guy (tall, handsome, good looking) but he had a few bad experiences with younger girls..(he’s an idiot for trying to date 25 years olds when he’s 31) and he was just so bitter about being used as a “meal ticket” or getting ghosted, ignored or whatever and he treated me like crap bc he thinks I might not be any better.
I’m 27, educated with a career and didn’t give him any indication that I’m any of those things. He let a few bad experiences change him and his behavior towards women..which is pretty YUCK.
The bitterness was so unattractive, I ended it. I was grossed out by it.
Keep being your sweet self and the right girl will respond accordingly. Don’t worry about people that judge. They are shallow and most likely hate themselves.
Bro you need to get redpilled, not like I agree with everything on red pill but you need to have a look it r/theredpill
(btw, I don’t think women are weaker than men, or that there is anything wrong with having to compete with women, because hey, I’d love to be as badass as so many women I know)
There is so much more shit wrong with you.
There are over 500 million women in India… why don’t you try your luck back home?