Dating : What am I missing? This doesn’t make sense to me.
I’ve been hanging out with a girl for about a month now and we spend hours each day either hanging out or talking on the phone. When we’re not around each other, we miss each other. She has told me that she finds me attractive and we’ve had sex. I have told her all my insecurities and she has been very reassuring about how they’re all in my head (with solid reasoning).
Still, she recently told me that she doesn’t feel that « extra thing » between us that she’s felt with other men in the past. She has assured me that it’s not because of anything about me, but literally just that missing thing. I’ve always thought that « extra thing » is the connection, which we seem to have very much of. I believe what I’m actually missing is confidence, and it doesn’t help that I’ve told her all about how I lack it. (To be clear, we’ve been extremely honest about our emotions with each other and have been bettering each other every moment we’re together, that’s how that came up.)
Things are further complicated by the fact that I have been in a position before where I was rejected, only for the girl to catch feelings months later after I’ve moved on. I really don’t want that to happen here.
So where do I go from here? Should I stop talking to her altogether? Should I keep hanging out with her hoping she’ll catch feelings one day?
That « thing » is her fear of losing you. You are to available to her, this give off a very needy vibe.
That extra thing is the dominance and mysterious shit. Females need that to develop a emotional and physical attachment to you….
She will not « catch feelings » if you just « keep hanging out. »
Two options:
1. Dump her. There’s a good chance that you are just a placeholder and once she finds someone with that « extra thing », she’ll get with him and you will be sad and depressed.
2. Become such a badass that she catches feelings and realizes she was wrong about you before.
#1 is easy, #2 is difficult but doable though the exact course of action highly depends on your individual situation.
She is not for you. She wants someone different and there is no use beating yourself up trying to change for her, because then not only are you lying to yourself, you’re lying to her as well. After a while, you will realize that whatever you have is built on lies and resentment when you get tired of pretending to be whoever because you want her in your life.
You should be you. Unapologetically and 100% honest about who you are. If you want to change, then do so, but only do it for you. There are people who won’t like you like that because they simply aren’t attracted to you, and that’s ok. Find someone who likes you for you and not who you could be.
In the mean time, maybe you two should spend less time together and agree to be friends or less. She isn’t into you like that and has made that clear. Time to move on.
Your not being dominant sexually for sure. Your being too easy when you vent to her you suppose to stay mysterious. And your boring because your so available. So basically she liked you but you dried her pussy up…
It just means you weren’t meant to be together, because the one that is right for you will be able to handle the weaknesses and the strengths that you have.
and don’t worry about months later, just worry about now, which is that she said she’s not interested.
Okay. People here are advising you to be more dominating and mysterious, and to quit being so « available. » I can agree with that. Perhaps that’s the « extra thing » that you’re missing.
A word of advice, though?
If you go too far down that path, you might give off the impression that you don’t care about her anymore. Not saying that’ll definitely happen, but it’s something to watch out for. Obviously, she trusts in you to some extent, in that she told you about her own emotions and struggles. And yeah, you guys have had sex before, so…I’d say that’s a good sign lol.
Be strong for her, be a man (for lack of a better term), but don’t lose touch with your emotions deep down.
Sounds like you may need to be more assertive. Nothing wrong with not being a dominant man all the time, showing women emotional vulnerability is healthy and helps the connection. But A) dumping your insecurities on someone early on can kill the mood, and B) never balancing your vulnerability with masculine assertiveness will leave most women cold. Lots of women really like sensitive men, but they don’t like wet napkins. They want a man who is confident, takes charge, knows what he wants and makes what he wants known, is firm, etc. Try doing more of that.